so its been a few days since ive written i guess i just have nothing to write about or maybe too much i don't no where to start. F being away kinda makes me put that whole ordeal on the back burner and my life w/o him is pretty fuking lame.
I wish i would get motivated and start painting i bought some stuff when the rag shop was going out of business but i have yet to use it. im so lazy or maybe i just dont no what to paint. i envy those people who can just sit down, paint brush in hand and paint.. i have to think about what i want to paint. nothing really comes easy to me maybe i just need to clear my mind and maybe things will have an easier way finding there way out. but how do you do that?
Im proud of my self that ive been goin to the gym every day this week well i didnt go yest. n it felt weird i was just so tired im going to go today thought i have to i feel.....bad.... i need to go i want this to work i want to be happy in my own skin. i think my problem is that i get frustrated and i want it now now now i dont wanna wait. but i have to everything takes time and thats what i always tell F why is it that i can never take my own advice. its so easy to give.
I wish there was something i could do to make money...other then my full time job of course. im actually working 6 days a week now cuz im short employees until i hire some people. but something on the side.... my father ripped up the kitchen tile and saved ALOT of em for me cuz i was painting on them and it was going great my neighbor was gunna pay me like 20 $ for one.. if i just got a bunch of em done and maybe took em to the flea market who knows..its just finding the time to get em done.. i just hate struggling with bills n shit i never have until i met F..seriously i was always fine i always had my savings account full with a nice amount and that got wiped out.... god it sux so much having money saved and doing a good job saving it and then its gone. It's gone from me always spending it on him one way or another to "help" him..on the phone calls when he was away.. lending him money for "fines" i had like 1,200 $ that money came from money i got for my b-day and my tax refund... gone... he took money outta my bank account..and its just all gone.. and its not fair that now IM the one struggling to pay my bills..ughhhh why did i have to get into this it's the past i need to let it go.. the thing is that i no when he gets straight and gets on his feet ill see that money again... its just a matter of TIME...its just these kinds things that r still in the back of my mind and they come to me at times like today when im thinking about what he asked me last night "can you put 15$ in my commissary" (sp) he wants it so he can buy stamps n envelopes..now i dont no if they give you that stuff or what.. so i dont no if i should do it or not...I wish the shit just grew on trees!!!!!! i think to my self.. are you serious.. he is really asking me for money!!! even in jaill!!!! and part of me feels bad and wants to give it to him but part of me wants to say no... not even explain my self cuz he knows about my money situation. i dont no.. i need some advice
4 comments:
In Pa, you get nothing in jail. I have to give him the $$ for everything. The resentments, its normal. We all have them, and they come and go. Forgiveness is a process, a long long process!! Hang in there.
I say no. Don't give the money. Set some boundaries. Like JW?
By the way, what do you do? Job-wise?
I can relate to what you're going through because I have a daughter in a similiar situation. I say NO to giving him any more of your money. She also works hard and is trying to make it but his situation is a huge financial weight that she just can handle but continues to anyway. She's broke with huge debt too. Where is his family?
Hey, can't he work on the block?? Joe does that, so that he doesn't need any money from me. They usually offer that to people. Tell him to check that out.
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