boo hoo

Not very many of you comment on my posts ;o(
i need feedback people!!

My nerves are shot

i have nothing else to say

ahhhhhhhhh!

I dont know what is wrong with me and its affecting my everyday life. I'm getting headaches alot like everyday, ive been so tierd lately i have absolutely NO motivation none what-so-ever. I'm miserable in my own skin. i'm almost at the point of hating my self, everyone tells me things and i cant seem to see them. "You're a great person" "You're beautiful" "You're not fat!" NO I'm Not No I'm Not YES I AM!!!

I seem to believe that the only thing that will cure me right now is going to the gym and loosing weight. I'm stuck on that but for some reason i dont make it to the gym. I wake up feeling shitty about my self, nothing fits ,i look fatter then usual ,im ugly, look at that pimple!, i hate my hair, blah blah blah i beat my self up every single morning and by the time work is over im tierd and ughhh just dont wanna go to the gym.There is nothing i like about my self right now... nothing. I cant even like my tattoo b/c i think my arm is fat!

Every little thing pisses me off or aggravates me to the point of wanting to slap someone or something. I dont no why im getting so annoyed by dumbass things.. like this morning for example. I'm already in a bad mood b/c of the above listed reasons. Now I'm hot...im running late for work, i get in my car, i blast the AC cuz im so hot and aggravated, I need cool air. Then i NEED a cigg. So i light up as i pull out the driveway. ( i dont smoke alot mainly one in the AM one when i get off work and thats it if i stay home if i go out i smoke more. but im not a heavy smoker. ) so anyway now i have my cigg cuz i needed it so bad and maybe that will make me feel better but its doesnt its just one more thing to annoy me, the smoke is blowing in my eyes, it smells, it makes my throat hurt. your prob thinking so stop smoking, i dont want to, not yet. anyway it's just one stupid little tiny thing after another this alllllll b4 i even make it to work. Even at work customers are annoying me by the dumn questions they ask or by just needing something. I'm noticing im nasty to people who dont even do anything to me. If im driving and someone wants to cross the street i curse at them..im my head of course i havent gone THAT crazy yet. I dont no why im so irritable and this fucking piercing headache is not helping, of course i dont have anything to take for it either so i will suffer. I'm not a mean and nasty person, im really not but just lately i have no tolerance or patients for anything. Every day is like this for me, i dont want to do anything, im lazy, unmotivated and just tierd. I do get a sudden burst of energy once n a while but other then that nothing. I don't no what to do about all this. i dont no if i should go to the doc maybe for blood work or some shit to see if there is a reason why im so tierd and have headaches or are the headaches b.c of smoking, or am i so tired cuz im fat and i need to loose weight. i just need to no what it is so i can fix my self! I'm pretty sure though that if i just go to the gym and eat healthier soon enough i will feel better, but i dont no. and again i cant get motivated to get there. I have just listed all the reasons to go it is a stress reliever too and time alone to just listen to music and zone out. Why do i have such a problem getting there though. F is away prob until the beginning of October so this is the perfect time to work on my self and loose all the weight i can b4 he gets out. I have a goal.. and thats it and b4 you no it like every other goal i set i procrastinate and a month will go by he will be out and i will not have done a damn thing. Thats another prob i have i always think negatively always, i cant help it and i dont no any other way.

maybe i need a vacation. Well i cant take one b/c im broke, i'm short employee wise, and he would have a cow if i went somewhere.

I dont no what this is...what am i going through..it prob seems like nothing but its not its something, maybe its stress? depression? i need help i am humbling my self and saying i need help whether it be a doctor a counselor the gym w/e it is i need IT.

Maybe there is hope

So my relationship with F is pretty much a secret..to everyone.. it has to be my family is to hurt from what he did if they knew i was still with him they would not be too happy i cant risk loosing them so i keep it a secret for now.. it sux and im not a liar and im lying to them and i hate it..
anyway i called F's mom from my house line..and she know's the deal with the secret crap. so i called her she didnt answer a few mins later the phone rang and my dad answered.. i knew it was her calling back.. he deleted the caller ID when he was done . i guess he didnt want me to no she called. She called to talk to me but he answered so they talked.. and im glad. and everything absolutely does happen for a reason and im so glad he answered and got to talk to her.they havent spoken in a few months since all this shit happened.. (F stole money from my dad and got kicked outta my house) so im glad they talked im sure my dad felt better and she told me how the convo went and it sounds like maybe there is hope that someday F will be excepted back in my family with a little hard work and paying back. it made me feel happy.

F you Mr Prison guards!

So i saw F yest. I love seeing him but i hate the circumstances. i had to wait in line for an hour and a 1/2 just so i could make it in the first visit. thank god it wasn't too hot. So they finally let us in and its my turn to show my ID and like an idiot i brought my purse which had my ciggs in it so i had to go put em in my car.. by the time i got back up there enough people had gotten in front of me so that i missed the first group so i had to sit there with screaming babies and dirty smelly people for like 45 minutes until it was my turn.

Of course the second i saw his face all my frustrations went away. The visits are 30 minutes. but its 30 minutes of yelling "What, i can't hear you?!" and crouching over so your back hurts when its over. i think its more stressful than anything.

So he signed his things over to me so i can pick em up. I asked one of the guards where i pick up property and he said around back. ..ok that doesn't tell me much so i ask someone else..."around back" Fuck it i'll find it my self so i drive around back... and theres all these gates and i don't no where the F im supposed to go so i go back to the front of the building this time i went in a diff entrance of course there was a speaker so i had to push a button and wait for someone to respond they tell me to talk threw the phone that is bak there. i remembered seeing a phone so i went back again and the guy said i could go through.. i stood there and thought to my self.. ok where... where do i go now.. so he waves me over now im at a gate.. no handle or anything.. he buzzez me in and i cant figure out how to open to stupid thing well i finally realized how and i opened it. now im in the middle of more gates so he buzzez another one (the sound is like a scary zapping noise..i didnt like it) Now im a big lot with gates and barbed wire all around i hear that noise again an assume its coming from the door on my right so i pushed it open. now im finally inside the jail in a little room with like 4 doors leading all diff places so now im really confused there is no one around and i dont no where to go now...i hear the buzing noise and try the first door on my left..bingo!!! now its just a long dark hallway.. i felt like i was in a F'ing dungeon or a prisoner my self... so i walked down the hallway and turned into the first room with an open door it was the room for paying bails or picking someone up.. im the only person in there so i go to the window and of course the guys back is to me and hes on the comp... im knocking on the glass yelling hello... at this point im aggravated and i just want to get the F outta there. he finally turns around and i tell him what im there for and he informs me that i can only pick it up mon-fri. I left slamming doors behind me.. if the first damn person i talked to about this had told me i couldn't get it on a Sunday i wouldn't of have to go through all that shit . I HATE jails i hate everything about going there. I dont even want to go back to visit him.. but i have to i need to see him and its only like 4 more times. ill just have to make sure i dont bring my ciggs with me next time.


It's good to vent.

Tag

I have been tagged by Inmates Wife : 8 random things about me.

1. I also despise of feet.. i don't mind babies feet but i hate hate hate feet otherwise!
2. I'm a germ freak i prob wash my hands 900 times a day
3. i like to cook
4. i always make a wish when i look at the clock and its 11:11
5. i looooove horses but I'm kinda scared of them at the same time (prob due to the fact that I've been thrown off a couple times)
6. i love scary movies
7. i always look at peoples eyes they fascinate me
8. i have a faerie collection

EJ. Married to an Addict and The Junkies wife Tag Your IT !

whew... its there im just impatient i guess it had a brain fart or sumthing and took a while to show up....o well so ignore the post below

it could be worse

so its been a few days since ive written i guess i just have nothing to write about or maybe too much i don't no where to start. F being away kinda makes me put that whole ordeal on the back burner and my life w/o him is pretty fuking lame.

I wish i would get motivated and start painting i bought some stuff when the rag shop was going out of business but i have yet to use it. im so lazy or maybe i just dont no what to paint. i envy those people who can just sit down, paint brush in hand and paint.. i have to think about what i want to paint. nothing really comes easy to me maybe i just need to clear my mind and maybe things will have an easier way finding there way out. but how do you do that?

Im proud of my self that ive been goin to the gym every day this week well i didnt go yest. n it felt weird i was just so tired im going to go today thought i have to i feel.....bad.... i need to go i want this to work i want to be happy in my own skin. i think my problem is that i get frustrated and i want it now now now i dont wanna wait. but i have to everything takes time and thats what i always tell F why is it that i can never take my own advice. its so easy to give.

I wish there was something i could do to make money...other then my full time job of course. im actually working 6 days a week now cuz im short employees until i hire some people. but something on the side.... my father ripped up the kitchen tile and saved ALOT of em for me cuz i was painting on them and it was going great my neighbor was gunna pay me like 20 $ for one.. if i just got a bunch of em done and maybe took em to the flea market who knows..its just finding the time to get em done.. i just hate struggling with bills n shit i never have until i met F..seriously i was always fine i always had my savings account full with a nice amount and that got wiped out.... god it sux so much having money saved and doing a good job saving it and then its gone. It's gone from me always spending it on him one way or another to "help" him..on the phone calls when he was away.. lending him money for "fines" i had like 1,200 $ that money came from money i got for my b-day and my tax refund... gone... he took money outta my bank account..and its just all gone.. and its not fair that now IM the one struggling to pay my bills..ughhhh why did i have to get into this it's the past i need to let it go.. the thing is that i no when he gets straight and gets on his feet ill see that money again... its just a matter of TIME...its just these kinds things that r still in the back of my mind and they come to me at times like today when im thinking about what he asked me last night "can you put 15$ in my commissary" (sp) he wants it so he can buy stamps n envelopes..now i dont no if they give you that stuff or what.. so i dont no if i should do it or not...I wish the shit just grew on trees!!!!!! i think to my self.. are you serious.. he is really asking me for money!!! even in jaill!!!! and part of me feels bad and wants to give it to him but part of me wants to say no... not even explain my self cuz he knows about my money situation. i dont no.. i need some advice

cant think of a title

So i just got done writing down 4 songs for F he wants me to mail him the lyrics He told me to d/l the song "undeniable" by mat kearney( he's kinda sexy too!) b/c it reminds him of me he told me to d/l it the morning he went to jail b4 he even knew he was going so i did and i love it and i love alllll his other songs everyone should d/l them esp trainwreck. the lyrics im gunns send him are to "poor boy" "wait" "nothing lef to lose" "wont back down" i always did this for him when he was away the other times. im too tierd now to write him a letter that was alot of writing. So i think he's gunna b in there for about a month im not mad.. it will be good i think i hope he can have a CONTACT visit this weekend..that would be nicey nice. Sooooo i went to the gym today AND yesterday go me! planning on tomorrow also. I have $60 to my name until next week how shitty is that. I have an emergency credit card so im not sweatin it TO bad. any who its time for bed im tierd and my feet hurt good night online diary ;o)

update

I ended up spending the night at a friends last night i left b4 i got to write.

So its monday and yesterday like i said i went to see F... God he looks so %$^^$!#@!# hotttttt in that green jump suit mmmm i dont no what it is but when ever i have gone to see him in jail or in any kind of program i just want to jump through the glass and ..you no.. idk maybe b/c i havent seen him.. or touched him in a while. I guess he just looks good.. he is clean.. he is happy that he is gunna max out for parole and when he comes out he will be free of that. I guess he is in there cuz they got sick of his shit.. sick of him missing appointment and shit.. idk is that a reason to put a person in jail?.... but everything happens for a reason. The only thing im worried about is i dont no where he will go when he gets out cuz i guess me and his mom will clean out the motel room maybe one day this week and then that will be gone b/c social services pays for it so idk if they will do it again for him.. im not gunna stress over it though he will be fine he always is and its not my problem. This is good in a way cuz i can get some time to my self and know he is safe (i hope... he's in one of the worst jails) now i should really re-join the gym n actually get my ass there.. i really should take advantage of him being away for a bit.. i could loose a few pounds b4 he comes out. ..hey hey...

i should really do somthing i am at work after all

until next time

p.s. did i mention i looooooove rain

Locked up

This A.M. i get a phone call from the dept of corrections and it was F telling me they are putting him in jail ( he is on parole) All he said was he didnt no why...and that it wasnt cuz of a dirty urine this time. and his parol officer got on the phone to confirm that..... he maxes out on the 12th of oct. so his parole offic. said he will stay there for a month or so and then be done with parole.. but i still wanna no why the fuk they are lockin him up AGAIN obviously he violated one way or another but i wanna no!

I cant believe this tho...jail...again.... . Whatever though.. nothing i can do about it.. ihave no idea when i will talk to him again.. he cant call me work collect.. or my cell or his moms house.. and deff cant call my house..i guess ill just have to find out when i can go there to see him..

i just cant believe it.. i can though...

Maids are sexy

So it's 10:52 pm ..im up...bright eyed and bushy tailed..i cant believe it im such an old lady i go to bed so early usually.. im happy though i accomplished some things today that have been on my mind lately. first i cleaned my car.. to say it was disgusting would be an understatement.. i cleaned it and i cleaned it and i cleaned it some more.. inside AND out..by the time i was done with the inside it was dark but that didn't stop me..can you believe i washed my car in the drk..with the bugs..ughh i hate bugs i made my dad come outside to turn the hose on n off for me.. its behind a bush n i was scared there would be a big black spider.. i despise of them...im such a pu&&y. SO after that i took a shower and i Finally cleaned my room... its so nice to be sitting on my bed typing away in my favorite blog (my only blog) and to look around and actually be able to see my floor.. and my bed... ive been sleeping on the couch and on occasion coming up to my room and sleeping on top of w/e was on my bed. im so lazy.. i just cant get motivated for shit lately. im glad i did today though those things needed to be done big time.

Tomorrow i have to wake up a lil earlier ..i have an 8:00 apt. to get an estimate for my car.. yea......... i was rear-ended last week, i think it just needs a new bumper cover.. the kid is paying for it.. and i just got that damn bumper in may when someone else rear-ended me.. i swear im not a bad driver!! it wasnt even my fault and F was driving the first time.

oh yea F... so he gets out tomorrow.. he went from the hosp to this short stay rehab place.. he frequents this place often well about 4 times in the past...year.. less than a year.... so all his tests came up fine.. they said the reason his white blood cell count was so high was due to his stiches (he cut his hand the other week) or his lip ring(he just got that done last weekend,,he took it out) so idk it doesn't make sense cuz they got us al worried saying it was at a leukemia level... and then they just release him...doctors suck with communication!. So i'm goin to pick him up 2marrow wheni get outta work and from what he told me.. it looks like were goin to his moms for dinner... i havent talked to her yet. it's so weird..im excited to see him....why? he took pills and lied to me less than a week ago.... this emotional roller coaster better come to and end soon or im guna jump off.

so i was just looking for a picture of a maid to include with the post...and almost 60% of the pic's were dirty... tis tis tis..like really dirty...full on action shots... geeez i guess maids are associated with sex....i opted for a feather duster..

nighty night

home is where the heart is

I just wanted to say... i love comming here.. it feels like home

I cant think of anything write at the present moment.. hopefully tomarrow. i need to give an up date on what happend with F anyway

untill then

I hope he will be ok

Yesterday the second i talked to F on the phone i new somthing was up, even more so when i saw him. To make a long story short he used yest.. he took 3 painkillers. we went on hours of arguing over the fact that i knew he was high and him barely holding his head up and his eyes open telling me.... im not high!! He had his first appt for counseling yest at 7.. we were on our way there when we got into a lil fender bender.. he was freaking out about how he wasnt going to make it there on time.. so he found sum random guy in the parking lot to bring him there.. it was just right up the street. While waiting for the cops to arrive ..about 20 minutes later he comes strolling back.. and tells me they kicked him out b.c he was late.. I thought to my self... yea ok.. u must think im PRETTY dumb..huh...So we wrapped up the accident crap and i told him i wanted to get a test..hey... if ur not high u have nothing to worry about..right? well he refused.. so he decided he needed to go to the hosp... he was very depressed yada yada yada.. so i took him there..around 11:30 i get a call from him..and his mom.. apparently.. his white blood cell count his very high.there is an infection in his body... so they are doing a bunch of tests on him to see what the prob is... So now im scared.. what could it be? if he hadn't taken those pills.. and gone to hosp.. we would never no something is seriously wrong with him.. not saying..im glad he took em... but..everything happens for a reasons.. Im glad he got there.. b4 hopefully its not too late and they can fix w/e the prob is...

This kid needs help though.. he is so unstable.. always saying he'd b better off dead...he doesn't no how to live.. or survive on his own.. i believe he suffers from severe depression... he's gotta kick this habit and get some psychological help for real.. enough is enough

Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh my!!

This weekend i went up to my aunt and uncles with my cousin. There was a fair going on so we went for a bit on sat.. i'm not gunna lie i had fun.. gatta love funnel cake and carnival rides. We went on the bumper cars felt sooo good to smash into all the poor defenseless people. I had plenty of built up anger inside of me that needed to come..they shoulda been warned b4 hand. If only it really were only 25 cents.... after the fair we went to this restaurant literally in the woods.. in the middle of no where. It was awesome though cuz the whole back of the restaurant was glass windows.. they put corn outside so deer will come. Well this time there were no deer..can you guess why????? cuz there was a bear!!!!!! it was soooo cool... right in front of our window too.

Sunday me n my cousin went horseback riding, my aunt chickened out she had never been on a horse b4. it was prob better cuz the trail was very rocky and pretty much either up or down hill right at the edge of cliffs.. she prob woulda $#%^ herself.

So that was my weekend.. it was nice.. got a lil break from you no who and thats about it...dont feel like typing anymore...gunna make a CD

until next time

Ok so maybe i overreacted

i always overreact... i have a problem with that.. im sooo f'in sensitive to things this littlest things hurt my feelings.. its SO easy for me to go from being happy to sad .... So he called me back about an hour later ..happy.. like nothing happend.. im still sour about the whole hanging up thing n wut he said.. but to him it was nothing.. why was it such a biiiiiig deal to me.. y can i just be like eww and go on with my life.. why must i dwell on the small things.... i get my self all upset.. i do this alot.. i think soooooo far outside of the box that im driving my self nuts.. I'm sure.. when he said "can you put up the 20$ so u can bring me to work" he didnt mean it the way i took it... i took it as.. i dont want to see you.. i dont like you... i just need a ride to work..i want to use you... why do i think this way.... at least i notice it and notice there is a problem.. god im gunna end up having 15 blogs a day by the looks of it..

I wound up NOT going to the gym yest... im'a bad girl i know.. i did have the worst headache tho. i think it was a migrain i couldnt stand anykind of noise or the sun... anyway that was the main reason i didnt go.. and here we are its 3:16 less than 2 hours of work to go and ill be faced with the gym. idk why certaint things r so hard for me.. i am SO codependent its not funny.. i need to learn how to be independant.. i care WAY too much about what ppl think or will say.. and that is something that is not very easy for me to admitt... it all boils down to my huuuuuge lack in selfconfidence... which comes from the way i feel about my self. im not happy with my self and i know what can fix it.. mainly going to the gym.. working out.. loosing weight. and eventually feeling better about my self and being able to no give a damn about anyone and wut they say.. that shouldnt be a reason tho... my friend had a similat prob... but it was her boobs... she is very pretty thin.. the hole 9.. well 8....she was a little lacking in the bra dept. and this kept her from wearing certain things and going certain places.. so she went n got her self a lil boobjob.. now she wears certain shirts like its her business and go wherever she wants.. its similar cuz tho i cant fix my prob with plastic surgery (well i can but im not EVEN gunna go there) they are alike in the way that she fixed her insecurities and now is happier.. may sound silly but certain things really bother ppl to a certain point where serious measures need to be taken.. anyway i know i can do this cuz i have done it b4..i lost a bunch of weight felt great looked great got hit on by every guy and his brother... then i met F and got depressed and shit went down hill..so now im back at square one... i can do this!! i will do this!!!

so this blog went from talking about how im a crazy drama queen to how i need to suck it up n get one the damn tredmill.... thats just how speratic my mind is lately..

p.s how perfect is that pic.... they just had to be moking Dairy Queen lol







until next time...

His way or the highway

GRRRR i hate him!!! i hate him sometimes... He makes a good day bad in just 4 mintues. He calls me and im so excited to hear his voice. He wants me to stay at hotel with him tongith which would mean me paying $20.( if your staying there and the state is paying for it you have to pay 20$ as a visiter to stay there..which i undestand..). but the way he asks me is "Can you put up the $20 so you can bring me to work tomarrow?" geeee thanks that really makes me feel good... why dont you just say .. i dont want to spend time with you hunny i just want a ride to work.. well i said no.. i dont have the money for that... and sertainly not when he asks me like that.. so now i feel like shit.. but i cant let that ruin my whole day its only 1:41. It just sux... and the he hung up on me! and i hate that so much.. and i cant even call him back cuz he is worken at sum guys house n he snuck the phone for a sec. grrrrr he makes me so mad.. when ever he doesnt get his way he is such a #$#%$# baby!! its not fair...;o(

Gym

Well my friend and i joined a gym on monday. We only worked out for like 20 minutes cuz she felt dizzy. I drove so I had to drive her to her car. Yest i was planning on going all day and then 5:00 came i was tierd..stressed..and just didnt feel like going to the gym. So i didn't she wasnt going anyway. So here we are.. its wednesday I am fighting with my friend i joined the gym with over guess who..... the addict... she calls me dumb and says im a liar just b/c i have things to do that dont involve her. so i should really still go alone...i just dont have the motivation. i dont no y... going to the gym loosing weight and feeling better about my self will help this situation SO much. Im not gunna go to the gym that i paid $55 for just b/c she is being a child...??? am i serious... I just wish i could get more motivated.. i spend too much time worrying about him about what he's doing and where he is.. if he is ok... i know i need to do me.. but its hard ecpesially when i never do.. its always everyone else.. i give n give n give.. n what do i get back.. nothing... it makes me so sad to have these arguments with my friend... it really hurts when she calls me dumb and stupid.. i no were she is comming from tho... cuz she knows whut he has done n how he as and continues to hurt me.. i dont no anymore.. i dont no wut to do..