Looooooooong time no see

Ya it's been a WHILE to say the least. Not much to write about anymore regarding F that is and to be honest I don't want to write about him anymore. He's STILL in jail.. been there since Dec 6th.. i heard from his mother that he could be looking at 10 years.. but who knows. Needless to say me and him are no longer and have been pretty much since the day he got taken away from me for the last time. I've moved on greatly, though it was hard, I did it. I had to.
Anyway.... Just signed on don't know why really but... If anyone cared I'm still kickin.
I guess thats all for now.. I don't know when I'll write again, as this blog was for when i was going through F stuff...
We'll see

I hate you

I hate you
I hate you for loving me.. no matter what
I hate you for taking me as I am
I hate you for making me feel special and
I hate you for treating me like gold
I hate you for making me smile and laugh
I hate you for being my best friend and lover
I hate you for becoming a part of my family and
I hate you for making me a part of yours
I hate you for showing me how much you love them and
I hate you for making me fall in love with them
I hate you for the late night talks and walks on the beach
I hate you for making love to me and
I hate you for putting your strong arms around me and holding me all night long
I hate you for making me feel better when I was sick
I hate you for making me appreciate things more
I hate you for being such a big part of my life
I hate you for showing me two sides of you
I hate you for all the long nights alone
I hate you for all the pain in my heart
I hate you for the day to day hurt you put me through and
I hate you for the tears you made me cry
I hate you for the lies and dishonor
I hate you for filling your veins with death
I hate you for feeling the need to compensate life with a substance so evil
I hate you for slowly killing yourself
I hate you for loving heroin more then yourself…

long time no see

I've been really behind on my writting. It's hard when I think of everything so i try not to and reading everyones entries doesnt help much either. I'm trying to move on and it's hard enough when i still talk to F's mom on occasion (i kinda feel obligated to) Also getting letters from him doesnt help either. So i guess thats why I've been so distant from the blog. It's weird cuz it used to help me so much and now i just dont even want to think about things having anything to do with F or what he did or does or w/e. I don't know i just felt i needed to write something...

It's weird too b.c this isnt as hard as i thought it might be, which is good but i guess i have my days.

Good news!

Got some blood work done and im fine!!!!! I'm SO happy everything came back negative. What a HUGE scare this was for me. Looking back i can't believe how nieve i was. Boy did i learn my lesson!!

Friends

I just need to vent about friendships.

I had this friend who was one of the VERY few i could tell things too. I told this person everything from very personal things to every day things. This was someone unlike any of my other friends, I confided in this person, I had a very deep connection with this person. The feelings were mutual and it was a very rare thing for me to have such a close connection with someone. This person helped me through some very rough times and if it wasnt for them i dont think i would have gotten out of it all ok. Well things have changed I'm not sure why, but i really feel like i lost my best friend.

Right now im going through something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I breifly wrote about in my previous blog and i dont want to get into further detail about it just yet. I could possibly be facing that "worst case scenerio". Now is a time when i need support and the one person who i would have confided deeply in is not there for me. I don't even no why im very confused, i feel like in a matter of about a month or so ive lost all communication with them and i dont really know them anymore. I dont know.. im really hurt. Like i said i feel like i lost my bestfriend and it fukin sucks, i feel like i have no one to turn to and i really need it right now.
It's just confusing, everyone is different and thinks differently and deals with things differently and i understand that i just thought this person was different. Maybe they are the same i don't know...... I don't know where or who to turn to and it's the worst most alone feeling ever....

what to do...

so to say im angry is an understatement. Apparently F wrote me a letter and sent it to my house which pisses me off to begin with. What pisses me off more is that my younger brother took it upon him self to intercept the letter and hide it from me. I found out about it b/c his g/f told me she heard my brother n my father arguing about a letter from F to me. SO i confronted my dad n brother and they both lied about it. I Finally got it outta my dad and after a few harsh words from my brother he handed over the letter to me. The letter pretty much said how he would die with out me and doesnt want to live life if im not with him. At the end of the letter he mentioned that he got blood work done at the jail and the results were not good at all and that we needed to talk about that. Now i dont no if he is being his usual self and saying that to get me to worry so much that i break down and go see him or talk to him, or if he is serious. The thought makes me so sick to my stomach. I dont know what to do. I think i should go get tested again to be safe and if it comes out fine then i have nothing to worry about. I cant worry about him and i cant let what he is saying about wanting to kill him self upset me. I just can't deal with this shit anymore i want it all to be over.

you fool

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke,
have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Now they call you Prince Charming
Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes
Say you'll be all right come tomorrow
But tomorrow might not be here for you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Hey, you're a fool you Stick them needles in your arm I know I been there before
One little problem that confronts you
Got a monkey on your back
Just one more fix, Lord might do the trick
One hell of a price for you to get your kicks
The smell of death surrounds you

New years

So I brought the New Year in with friends. Some of which i totally pushed to the side while i was with F. What i did was wrong in every way possible. I mean these people were good friends. I wouldn't have blamed any of them for not wanting to be my friend after that. But they welcomed me back and it was as if I had never left the "group". Those are true friends.

I had a good time but of course I often had that image of the man i "love-d?" wearing an orange jump suit sitting in the corner of a cold jail cell. Even though those images came and went i didn't let that ruin the night and i was OK with that. I'm alot more "ok" then i thought i would be. After ever thing i've been through im raw now... I feel like i have no emotions towards what has happend AGAIN. I can't cry about it, I'm all out of tears. I think im just OK. I know that things will get better and as time goes on i'll be more and more OK. I mean i get sad at times and i think about it more sometimes then others but i think thats normal. I think I'm most sad for him. It's a little hard to say that but i am. When it comes down to it even after all the awfull things he has done i am still sad for him. It's like reading a sad book and you feel like you know the person and by the time youre done reading it and its all over you are kind of left with this empty feeling in your gut. I dont know maybe it's just me I'm very empathetic as you can tell. Maybe thats why i care so much... too much.

My friends mom did a tea reading on me about a week ago and she said that in the bottom of the cup there was a face, just two eyes and a mean frown for the face, she told me that this was the face of a "mean" man in my life and he was the center of my cup....my life. She said I am running in all kinds of directions and i often start things but don't finish them and that it's time to do so. She also said that this person is whats holding me back in life. I knew right away who she was talking about and it's true. He was the center of my life for so long everything i did or didnt do revolved around him and it's time to let it go.

It's time to start living my life and accomplishing things. I HAVE to do this or i will be stuck in this rut for a long time. I need to see what i want and just do it. No more giving up. I've let so many things pass me by b/c of that and i can't do it anymore, I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained now and it's hard.

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children, and that's just the start...
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold...
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in your town...
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and even next door...
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under your own kitchen sink...
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should...
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, HEROIN you choice of test...
My power is awesome,, try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free...
Just try me once, and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your heart and soul...
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to, just to get high...
The crimes you'll commit for my Heroin charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms...
YOU'LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, STEAL FROM YOUR DAD,
WHEN YOU SEE THIER TEARS..YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD...
But you'll forget your morals, how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways...
I'll take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God and separate friends...
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side...
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and you'll be all alone...
I'll take and I'll take, until you have nothing more to give, and when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live...
If you try me be warned this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane...
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul and you'll be all mine...
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,the voices you'll hear from inside your head...
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me...
But then it's too late and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine and we will never part...
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, I didn't come to you...
You knew this would happen, you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold...
You could have said no, and walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say???
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave...
Now that you have met me, what will you do??? Will you keep me or not, it's all up to you...
I can bring you misery than words can tell, take my hand, and I will lead you to hell...!!!

sadness

im so upset right now
i need to write about whats been goin on but i just dont have the words yet.
hopefully soon.

Even Foamy has an oppinion

The truth hurts.

So not all my friends now about F's addiction and i keep it that way b/c not everyone needs to know. Also b/c I know how certain people will react and the things they would probably say and of course i wouldnt want to hear it so I opt not to tell them. Well i have this one friend, he is a pretty good friend i tell him alot, he did not know about F well up untill tonight. I didnt want to tel him b/c he is a very blunt, upfront and honest person. I pretty much knew how he would react but part of me thought maybe he would be understanding. I asked him before i began to tell him to please not judge me and he promised not too. Well this is how the convo went....



ME-He's an addict...
so our relationship has been really rough on me
HIM-are u serious
HIM- u kno better tho
ME-his drug of choice is heroin..
HIM-"love" or not
ME-'amongst other things
but thats the main one
HIM-c,mon alyssa
ME-please...dont pass judgments on me...
ME-there r enough people who have done that
HIM-u kno i wont
ME-ok
this is REALLY hard on me
esp right now
any way he has been in n out of jail and "programs" halfway house bullshit
HIM-thats love
ME-what?
HIM-jus bustin balls go ahead
ME-dont
HIM-so leave him that jus made ur mind up for you
ME- well its not that easy
HIM-y not
ME-cuz its just not it's sad...and its hard to see the person you love..turn into this monster and do awful things and lie to you and hurt everyone around them..and not be able to stop and to think that the only thing that may stop him is death
HIM-well i guess i say u make ur bed u lie in it
ME-yes.
HIM-if my best friend turned into a junkie piece of shit like ur bf id say fuk him
ME-its not like that tho...
not all people who use drugs are junkie and pieces of shit
HIM-ive dumped mad friends b4...a whole group of Friends cuz they were into drugs and i wasnt anymore fuk em
ME- its diff when its someone you love
HIM-he cant stay out of jail so he is a piece of shit
hes lyin to you so he is
HIM-this is not jeopardy he is a a jerk off and u love him
look ur with a loser and im ur friend so i care about u he is trash
ME-u dont even no him
HIM-i dont need to
he is a junkie
thats all i need dont be an idiot
ME-im not an idiot..
HIM-if u stay with him and eventually rot u are an idiot
ull come to ur senses
stay with him and ull be jus like him
HIM-i care about you and i kno ur hurtin but hes a junkie and def not the last boy...or man in the world let him grow up on his own
ME-ok i no this..and its easy for u too say these things...but ive been though alot with him..ive learned alot ive seen alot..and this is not an easy thing to accept
HIM-drop him and let him take his own life and destroy it not urs and everyone elses too
ME-im at that point
HIM-hes a loser and stop carin about him...fuk that lifestyle
ME-i cant just stop caring about sumone..esp when i no they are hurting...putting all the shity stuff he has done aside he is still a human and in pain he had an awful childhood and chose drugs to take away the pain and became addicted..its not an easy thing to over come
and if u do overcome it your lucky
HIM-like i say u will realize the truth soon and i wont be such an asshole

So should i have listened to my self and not told him or are these things i need to hear?
I didn't expect him to be all "poor me" and shit but geez have a little compassion. Thats the exact reason why i don't tell people b/c the last thing i need is to be called an idiot and to hear someone call him names , even if some of them are true i still dont wanna hear it this is hard enough. I hear what he's saying and i know he didnt say those things to hurt me but it does hurt.. Is he really a junkie?am i blinded by love?

To tell the truth if i didnt no what i do about addiction i would probably respond in a similar way. The truth really does hurt but is what he said the truth?... or is he just someone on the outside looking in knowing only the bad stuff...

I know i can not be with him right now maybe i will never be able to be with him but to be told by a friend to just stop caring and that he is a junkie..is just a hard thing to hear and that J word sure is strong but is that really what he is? Am i just too hopefully to admit that to my self.

I guess only time can tell
but i defiantly regret telling my friend cuz now im upset with him. But i shouldn't be b/c i know he only cares i just wish he wasn't so harsh....

Safe and sound

I survived the plane ride, or should i say plane rideS. You can never get a direct flight to NM. Oops secrets out, NM as in New Mexico. We stopped in Georgia the layover was 3 hours and most of it was spent running back n forth threw the airport cuz they kept changing the gate, that was seriously annoying. Not to mention i feel like shit and the pressure in the airplane did not help, it was awful actually. Thank god for NyQuil!

So today is day one of my new diet and the start to a new me! I'm hoping to get a lot accomplished in the two weeks I'll be here.

I just hope that for once i can concentrate on myself and not worry about anything else. I think it may be hard tho...I'll explain in the next post

Bye for now!

P.S I took that pic with my phone from the airplane. I love those clouds!

quickie

boy do i have things to write about.
I don't have enough time right now my flight leaves at 12 noon.
We are having a car pick us up at the house how fancy lol.
by us i mean me and my mom... Yea she stayed at my house which is pretty strange
well being as i dont live alone.. i live with my father (her ex hubby) and his new girlfriend. Kinda twisted but w/e it could be worse they could all hate eachother.

I'm fuckin sick...i feel like shit and i have to travel ughhh thank god i have nyquil so i can be all doped up on the plane (prob could have found a better word but o well)

time to finish packing.......expect a long ass blog when i get there.

Where is the OFF button i can't find it

I think the hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I am in love with an addict and that there is nothing I can do but let go. It's hard to think to my self wow.. I am in love with someone who steals people belongings and money only to turn around and buy drugs. I am in love with someone who lies out of his ass. I am in love with someone who i can't trust. I am in love with someone i truly don't even know. I am in love with an addict.

It's so hard to say those words and see them written down. Love doesnt have a button, you can't just turn it off. I hate that i love him so much, but do i even no why i love him. He has nothing to offer me at this point in his life. Is is really possible to love someone just from getting the smallest glimpse of who they really are, cuz thats just about all i've gotten.

I have to accept that he is this way and has this "disease". It's just hard to let go when you love and care about someone and you just want to have them and hold them forver and you want them to be safe and to just STOP. It's sad its painfully sad..

It's hard for me to sit here and think....

i just think how can he turn into such a monster, doing the things he does... how can he lie right to everyone's face. I just want to no how? why? is it really the addiction or is that him.

I am hurting so bad right now just knowing that i have to accepts things that i cannot ever change. I am hurting knowing that for once in my life i was truly in love with someone and it wasnt what i thought it was. I am hurting knowing that i continued to go out of my way for this person to help them have a better life all the while getting lied to.

I am hurting because i still love this person and i wish those feelings would just go away.

The sadness i feel right now is more tremendous then ever before because i realize i have to let him go.

New

I decided to change my email address which was also my name on here. I changed it to addictedtono1@yahoo.com So i am now Addicted to no one.I just felt it was time for a change.I began to hate seeing or typing additced to my addict.I once was..when i was devoted to F 100% and did all the crazy things i did for him.But at this point in my life I don't want to be "addicted" to anything or anyone.


ahhh i feel much better!

I noticed something...

I'm not a bitch, I'm not mean and nasty. I think im pretty nice, sometimes too nice for my own good. I realized that being with someone who has a habbit I ABSO-fucking-Lutly can't stand makes me that other person. I turn into "that" girl friend. You know the one who bitches and nags and is mean. That's not me, not even close. But when you're in a sertain situation it can make you behave badly.

When he is clean and doing all the right things (well at least some of them) I'm happy, I'm nice, I'm loving, I'm me. But once i get it in my head that he may be using again go-go gadget attack mode.

I realized this the other day when i cought my self being mean to F, just being a bitch. I sat back and I saw what was happening to me, I'm becoming this horrible person. It's almost as if im being this way towards him because i have so much built up anger and recentment towards him. Whatever the reason it's not right or healthy for either of us and i don't like it one bit.

I think realizing this couldnt have come at a better time. I'm taking this mini Vacation for 2 weeks and im really going to think about things and just soak in the time alone.

any advice?

Change of plans

Well my mom came up with an idea and i liked it so im changing plans a little.
As i mentioned in the post below she is coming her for business, will be going back home on Dec. 9th. and returning back here with my step dad for xmas on the 21rst of Dec.

Her idea is for me to go back with her when she leaves on the 9th stay for the two weeks until they fly back on the 21rst. This will give me a chance to feel it out and make sure i will be comfortable there. There is a huuuuge difference between the east and west coast. Well from where i live to where she lives anyway.

I'm ALOT more comfortable with this idea. I was beginning to panic b/c it was getting SO close to the date id be "moving" I wanted to give more time at work, i needed time to pack and to see all my friends before i went. I was just feeling way too rushed into making a decision and all the things id have to do in such a short period of time. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders now. It's never good to make a decision like that when you are feeling under pressure. I love my mommy ..She's so smart ;o)

I'm leavin on a jet plane dont know when I'll be back again...

You know how sometimes you just wish you could drop everything and run away for a little while? Well i sure as hell know i do and i think i might. Except I'm not quite "running" away from things it will be more of an "extended vacation" (humor me)

My mom lives about 2,500 miles away I'm on the east coast she's on the west. I have the opportunity to go stay with her for a few months. I can go there get serious about getting in shape and getting my self esteem back and just kinda get away from "things" for a little while to clear my head with no distractions. I'll get a job, spend tons of time on art projects I've been wantings to start and finish, I'll work out everyday and start feeling better about myself. I KNOW i can accomplish all these goals while I'm there I've done it before. (about two years ago i stayed with her for 6 months)

I don't really have anything great going on here. I have a pretty damn good job and I'll be sad to leave, although i don't own the store i treat it as if it's mine and i don't really want anyone else "messing" with it. So that will be tough but I'll get over it. I might even see if there is someway i can still be part of the business while I'm gone.

When it comes to F ya i love him but not like i once did. I don't think i even know the real him. It's hard to end relationships, and this one is one unlike any others i have been in. It is the longest and the only one where love and family was really involved. I've delt with things I NEVER in million years thought I'd have to deal with (then again who imagines falling in love with a heroin addict) I've fought hard to keep it strong and going. I've put ALOT of time and alot of my heart into it. I feel that im just going to keep hurting if i don't make a drastic change. This is ALL still new to me like I said things Ive never delt with before. Things you cant imagine untill your in the situation and the only way you can know is through experience. I've been strong..getting weak sometimes but pulling through it and I can't do it anymore.

I've REALLY been thinking about this ALOT lately. Part of me is really excited to go excited to start changing for the better. Part of me is worrying that I'll hate it (she moved to a diff area more in the mountains and in a very small town) I know i can come back and if i don't like it that much ill just have to deal with it for the time. It would be worth it anyway just to get myself back.

Now I haven't made my mind up 100% yet but if i decide to go i have a few options. My mom is coming over this way for business in about 2 1/2 weeks. She wants me to bring my car so one option would be to drive back there with her around Dec 9th when she goes home. IF i do that she is also planning to come back for Christmas. Id have to fork up about $200.00 for the plane ticket to come back here with them. If i wait and just go when they go back home AFTER Christmas that will be another 6 weeks I'd have to stay here. I really don't want to waist 6 more weeks.. I can accomplish ALOT over there in 6 weeks and once i make my mind up I'm not going to want to wait. So i think id rather just pay the $200.00 and go sooner then later.

I just think getting away for a while may be what i need right now. Apparently I don't have the strength to do somethings on my own right now, and maybe i just need a little help. I know i need help and im not getting it here. I also miss the old lady and I've seen ALOT and been through even more over the past 2 years and realized just how short life really is.

decisions.. decisions...

I'm a cunt now

b/c i called him out on being high