I think the hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I am in love with an addict and that there is nothing I can do but let go. It's hard to think to my self wow.. I am in love with someone who steals people belongings and money only to turn around and buy drugs. I am in love with someone who lies out of his ass. I am in love with someone who i can't trust. I am in love with someone i truly don't even know. I am in love with an addict.
It's so hard to say those words and see them written down. Love doesnt have a button, you can't just turn it off. I hate that i love him so much, but do i even no why i love him. He has nothing to offer me at this point in his life. Is is really possible to love someone just from getting the smallest glimpse of who they really are, cuz thats just about all i've gotten.
I have to accept that he is this way and has this "disease". It's just hard to let go when you love and care about someone and you just want to have them and hold them forver and you want them to be safe and to just STOP. It's sad its painfully sad..
It's hard for me to sit here and think....
i just think how can he turn into such a monster, doing the things he does... how can he lie right to everyone's face. I just want to no how? why? is it really the addiction or is that him.
I am hurting so bad right now just knowing that i have to accepts things that i cannot ever change. I am hurting knowing that for once in my life i was truly in love with someone and it wasnt what i thought it was. I am hurting knowing that i continued to go out of my way for this person to help them have a better life all the while getting lied to.
I am hurting because i still love this person and i wish those feelings would just go away.
The sadness i feel right now is more tremendous then ever before because i realize i have to let him go.
2 comments:
It's so hard to watch the ones we love self destruct. It's beyond our capability to understand why someone would do that to themselves, let alone why they would hurt the ones who love them. This is the power of the disease of addiction. It takes a hold of someone we love and transforms them into someone we barely recognize. I hope you find a way to remain strong and remember that there is nothing we can do to change an addict or their behavior. This is something that they must do on their own, when they are ready. It's nothing personal, it's not that as an addict we don't love the people around us, it's the power of the addiction that drives us to do things we would never consider as sober individuals. You are bright, young, and stronger than you give yourself credit for. Take the time on your vacation to reflect on yourself, and try to remember F as the person he was, not the person he has become. Lean on your friends, your family, and you will make it through this.
You are at a very difficult place in your life. However, I can tell you from experience that once you do let go you will feel better. They call it detaching with love. You can love a person but detach from their disease. As a matter of fact, it is the only way to save your own sanity. I love my son and make a point to be there for him. However, I cannot live with him nor do I accept unacceptable behavior. You need to focus on yourself and take that focus away from him. This is by no means easy and you will probably need to make a conscious effort each and every day to do this. I know you love him. You may always love him. But, love does not mean you have to put up with his lying or stealing or any other vice he uses as a result of his disease. Remember the three C's of Al-Anon, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. This is all up to him. The person High is not the same person straight. Keep that in mind when he starts with the sorry bullshit stories and remember you do not have to take it. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you often.
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