I'm not a bitch, I'm not mean and nasty. I think im pretty nice, sometimes too nice for my own good. I realized that being with someone who has a habbit I ABSO-fucking-Lutly can't stand makes me that other person. I turn into "that" girl friend. You know the one who bitches and nags and is mean. That's not me, not even close. But when you're in a sertain situation it can make you behave badly.
When he is clean and doing all the right things (well at least some of them) I'm happy, I'm nice, I'm loving, I'm me. But once i get it in my head that he may be using again go-go gadget attack mode.
I realized this the other day when i cought my self being mean to F, just being a bitch. I sat back and I saw what was happening to me, I'm becoming this horrible person. It's almost as if im being this way towards him because i have so much built up anger and recentment towards him. Whatever the reason it's not right or healthy for either of us and i don't like it one bit.
I think realizing this couldnt have come at a better time. I'm taking this mini Vacation for 2 weeks and im really going to think about things and just soak in the time alone.
any advice?
3 comments:
I used to be that girl. When I was with my ex-husband. I became her, and I hated her. Use this vacation to just sit back and look. Really LOOK, at him, at you, at how HIS being-acting-using-life- affects you. Step back, go outside of the relationship, and look deep in. You will see and know what you need to do for you. I am very happy you are able to have this time. Does he know you are leaving??
I became that girl the second my ex-husband disclosed his raging sex addiction to me. And just like all the rest of us co-de's, on the one hand I hate her with a passion but on the other, she's so comfortable & familiar & that makes me feel so good (it's part of my own addiction).
Unfortunately even after our divorce that girl STILL wants to come out to play whenever he's around (he's not in any type of recovery).
I have a couple of observations from my own life if you don't mind.
1) I'm still getting something out of the relationship or I would not continue to stir up my own drama around him.
2) When we were still together, I used to try my best to push him away (mostly by being a bitch) in an effort to prove I wasn't worthy of love. To expound upon, if he would leave as a result of my bitchiness, then I could say, "See. I knew you didn't have it in you. I knew you would leave just like everyone else in my life!!"
3) The hurt & anger I have surrounding him is old, unresolved hurt & anger from my past.
Not sure if any of those observations make sense or fit for you. Just something to think about...
You can find me at:
http://crossingmybridge.blogspot.com/
I am the addict but have been on the end, you are going through. I left my husband, back in the 80's because of his addictions. Then, I managed to surpass his level of addiction and became a pill hound and then on to a heroin junky. Boy did I learn my Empathy the hard way.
While you may try to be understanding, concerning his addiction, you must never bend when it comes to standing your ground, as to how you feel about the drug, not the person. The drug owns you, you've seen this. But if you bend, the junky feels it, knows it and uses it against you. There's nothing wrong with being an assertive Bitch, you almost have to be. The junky can smell weakness and uses it as license to do their self-will run riot. No, it comes down to a study of the one you love and how to deal with their addiction. Do not nag but learn a different approach by saying that you have a right to happiness and you this person, in that equation but they must make a constant effort to improve. You must have a foothold in your values and beliefs and state your needs., remembering that you do have the right to be happy. Never be a martyr for his cause but demand that he must do everything possible, to abstain and take it serious. I did it for 9 years but it only came once "I" chose to see and give it up. Meaning that he can not do it for you as it only harbors resentment. No, he must look in the mirror and see himself for who he truly is. He must ask himself, if this is the man he really wants to be? Does he like appearing weak and selfish? As he stands in that mirror, he must ask himself if he is really a man or a slave to a drug? All the while, you must never nag but assert what you MUST have for your own existence. It's actually a life study. I'm here for you, if you need another two sided opinion.
mzbabz@optonline.net
BTW, I thank you for the link and will reciprocate. I wasn't even aware until I googled myself, looking for a comment I'd left somewhere.
Hang in there and know you are not alone, ok?
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