So I brought the New Year in with friends. Some of which i totally pushed to the side while i was with F. What i did was wrong in every way possible. I mean these people were good friends. I wouldn't have blamed any of them for not wanting to be my friend after that. But they welcomed me back and it was as if I had never left the "group". Those are true friends.
I had a good time but of course I often had that image of the man i "love-d?" wearing an orange jump suit sitting in the corner of a cold jail cell. Even though those images came and went i didn't let that ruin the night and i was OK with that. I'm alot more "ok" then i thought i would be. After ever thing i've been through im raw now... I feel like i have no emotions towards what has happend AGAIN. I can't cry about it, I'm all out of tears. I think im just OK. I know that things will get better and as time goes on i'll be more and more OK. I mean i get sad at times and i think about it more sometimes then others but i think thats normal. I think I'm most sad for him. It's a little hard to say that but i am. When it comes down to it even after all the awfull things he has done i am still sad for him. It's like reading a sad book and you feel like you know the person and by the time youre done reading it and its all over you are kind of left with this empty feeling in your gut. I dont know maybe it's just me I'm very empathetic as you can tell. Maybe thats why i care so much... too much.
My friends mom did a tea reading on me about a week ago and she said that in the bottom of the cup there was a face, just two eyes and a mean frown for the face, she told me that this was the face of a "mean" man in my life and he was the center of my cup....my life. She said I am running in all kinds of directions and i often start things but don't finish them and that it's time to do so. She also said that this person is whats holding me back in life. I knew right away who she was talking about and it's true. He was the center of my life for so long everything i did or didnt do revolved around him and it's time to let it go.
It's time to start living my life and accomplishing things. I HAVE to do this or i will be stuck in this rut for a long time. I need to see what i want and just do it. No more giving up. I've let so many things pass me by b/c of that and i can't do it anymore, I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained now and it's hard.
Friday, January 4, 2008
New years
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2 comments:
I am sorry for the hard time you are going through. Take the time you need to take care of yourself. You have to come first. He is putting himself first, by getting himself put back in there. You know all of this. Just take the time you need, you deserve it.
Hugs for you girl!!
It is so great that your friends are still there for you. I remember when my bff told me that she was going to step back, b/c she was not going to watch me throw my life away with "him". I was stunned but I knew she was right, eventually.
The thing that has saved my butt and helped me to eventually get a better view of what really IS, has been either thinking about the situation and asking myself what I would say if it was a FRIEND of mine going through it, or else I just tune out my emotions for a minute and listen ONLY to what my mind says. A wise old lady told me:
"Feelings aren't facts". Just b/c I feel like it's somehow my fault, does NOT mean that it IS...
Keep your head up, grrl.
He's a big boy, and it was HIS own choices hat got him where he is now. You can begin to make different choices for YOU. (You deserve GOOD stuff, ya know!)
:o)
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