ahhhhhhhhh!

I dont know what is wrong with me and its affecting my everyday life. I'm getting headaches alot like everyday, ive been so tierd lately i have absolutely NO motivation none what-so-ever. I'm miserable in my own skin. i'm almost at the point of hating my self, everyone tells me things and i cant seem to see them. "You're a great person" "You're beautiful" "You're not fat!" NO I'm Not No I'm Not YES I AM!!!

I seem to believe that the only thing that will cure me right now is going to the gym and loosing weight. I'm stuck on that but for some reason i dont make it to the gym. I wake up feeling shitty about my self, nothing fits ,i look fatter then usual ,im ugly, look at that pimple!, i hate my hair, blah blah blah i beat my self up every single morning and by the time work is over im tierd and ughhh just dont wanna go to the gym.There is nothing i like about my self right now... nothing. I cant even like my tattoo b/c i think my arm is fat!

Every little thing pisses me off or aggravates me to the point of wanting to slap someone or something. I dont no why im getting so annoyed by dumbass things.. like this morning for example. I'm already in a bad mood b/c of the above listed reasons. Now I'm hot...im running late for work, i get in my car, i blast the AC cuz im so hot and aggravated, I need cool air. Then i NEED a cigg. So i light up as i pull out the driveway. ( i dont smoke alot mainly one in the AM one when i get off work and thats it if i stay home if i go out i smoke more. but im not a heavy smoker. ) so anyway now i have my cigg cuz i needed it so bad and maybe that will make me feel better but its doesnt its just one more thing to annoy me, the smoke is blowing in my eyes, it smells, it makes my throat hurt. your prob thinking so stop smoking, i dont want to, not yet. anyway it's just one stupid little tiny thing after another this alllllll b4 i even make it to work. Even at work customers are annoying me by the dumn questions they ask or by just needing something. I'm noticing im nasty to people who dont even do anything to me. If im driving and someone wants to cross the street i curse at them..im my head of course i havent gone THAT crazy yet. I dont no why im so irritable and this fucking piercing headache is not helping, of course i dont have anything to take for it either so i will suffer. I'm not a mean and nasty person, im really not but just lately i have no tolerance or patients for anything. Every day is like this for me, i dont want to do anything, im lazy, unmotivated and just tierd. I do get a sudden burst of energy once n a while but other then that nothing. I don't no what to do about all this. i dont no if i should go to the doc maybe for blood work or some shit to see if there is a reason why im so tierd and have headaches or are the headaches b.c of smoking, or am i so tired cuz im fat and i need to loose weight. i just need to no what it is so i can fix my self! I'm pretty sure though that if i just go to the gym and eat healthier soon enough i will feel better, but i dont no. and again i cant get motivated to get there. I have just listed all the reasons to go it is a stress reliever too and time alone to just listen to music and zone out. Why do i have such a problem getting there though. F is away prob until the beginning of October so this is the perfect time to work on my self and loose all the weight i can b4 he gets out. I have a goal.. and thats it and b4 you no it like every other goal i set i procrastinate and a month will go by he will be out and i will not have done a damn thing. Thats another prob i have i always think negatively always, i cant help it and i dont no any other way.

maybe i need a vacation. Well i cant take one b/c im broke, i'm short employee wise, and he would have a cow if i went somewhere.

I dont no what this is...what am i going through..it prob seems like nothing but its not its something, maybe its stress? depression? i need help i am humbling my self and saying i need help whether it be a doctor a counselor the gym w/e it is i need IT.