it could be worse

so its been a few days since ive written i guess i just have nothing to write about or maybe too much i don't no where to start. F being away kinda makes me put that whole ordeal on the back burner and my life w/o him is pretty fuking lame.

I wish i would get motivated and start painting i bought some stuff when the rag shop was going out of business but i have yet to use it. im so lazy or maybe i just dont no what to paint. i envy those people who can just sit down, paint brush in hand and paint.. i have to think about what i want to paint. nothing really comes easy to me maybe i just need to clear my mind and maybe things will have an easier way finding there way out. but how do you do that?

Im proud of my self that ive been goin to the gym every day this week well i didnt go yest. n it felt weird i was just so tired im going to go today thought i have to i feel.....bad.... i need to go i want this to work i want to be happy in my own skin. i think my problem is that i get frustrated and i want it now now now i dont wanna wait. but i have to everything takes time and thats what i always tell F why is it that i can never take my own advice. its so easy to give.

I wish there was something i could do to make money...other then my full time job of course. im actually working 6 days a week now cuz im short employees until i hire some people. but something on the side.... my father ripped up the kitchen tile and saved ALOT of em for me cuz i was painting on them and it was going great my neighbor was gunna pay me like 20 $ for one.. if i just got a bunch of em done and maybe took em to the flea market who knows..its just finding the time to get em done.. i just hate struggling with bills n shit i never have until i met F..seriously i was always fine i always had my savings account full with a nice amount and that got wiped out.... god it sux so much having money saved and doing a good job saving it and then its gone. It's gone from me always spending it on him one way or another to "help" him..on the phone calls when he was away.. lending him money for "fines" i had like 1,200 $ that money came from money i got for my b-day and my tax refund... gone... he took money outta my bank account..and its just all gone.. and its not fair that now IM the one struggling to pay my bills..ughhhh why did i have to get into this it's the past i need to let it go.. the thing is that i no when he gets straight and gets on his feet ill see that money again... its just a matter of TIME...its just these kinds things that r still in the back of my mind and they come to me at times like today when im thinking about what he asked me last night "can you put 15$ in my commissary" (sp) he wants it so he can buy stamps n envelopes..now i dont no if they give you that stuff or what.. so i dont no if i should do it or not...I wish the shit just grew on trees!!!!!! i think to my self.. are you serious.. he is really asking me for money!!! even in jaill!!!! and part of me feels bad and wants to give it to him but part of me wants to say no... not even explain my self cuz he knows about my money situation. i dont no.. i need some advice

cant think of a title

So i just got done writing down 4 songs for F he wants me to mail him the lyrics He told me to d/l the song "undeniable" by mat kearney( he's kinda sexy too!) b/c it reminds him of me he told me to d/l it the morning he went to jail b4 he even knew he was going so i did and i love it and i love alllll his other songs everyone should d/l them esp trainwreck. the lyrics im gunns send him are to "poor boy" "wait" "nothing lef to lose" "wont back down" i always did this for him when he was away the other times. im too tierd now to write him a letter that was alot of writing. So i think he's gunna b in there for about a month im not mad.. it will be good i think i hope he can have a CONTACT visit this weekend..that would be nicey nice. Sooooo i went to the gym today AND yesterday go me! planning on tomorrow also. I have $60 to my name until next week how shitty is that. I have an emergency credit card so im not sweatin it TO bad. any who its time for bed im tierd and my feet hurt good night online diary ;o)

Gym

Well my friend and i joined a gym on monday. We only worked out for like 20 minutes cuz she felt dizzy. I drove so I had to drive her to her car. Yest i was planning on going all day and then 5:00 came i was tierd..stressed..and just didnt feel like going to the gym. So i didn't she wasnt going anyway. So here we are.. its wednesday I am fighting with my friend i joined the gym with over guess who..... the addict... she calls me dumb and says im a liar just b/c i have things to do that dont involve her. so i should really still go alone...i just dont have the motivation. i dont no y... going to the gym loosing weight and feeling better about my self will help this situation SO much. Im not gunna go to the gym that i paid $55 for just b/c she is being a child...??? am i serious... I just wish i could get more motivated.. i spend too much time worrying about him about what he's doing and where he is.. if he is ok... i know i need to do me.. but its hard ecpesially when i never do.. its always everyone else.. i give n give n give.. n what do i get back.. nothing... it makes me so sad to have these arguments with my friend... it really hurts when she calls me dumb and stupid.. i no were she is comming from tho... cuz she knows whut he has done n how he as and continues to hurt me.. i dont no anymore.. i dont no wut to do..