F you Mr Prison guards!

So i saw F yest. I love seeing him but i hate the circumstances. i had to wait in line for an hour and a 1/2 just so i could make it in the first visit. thank god it wasn't too hot. So they finally let us in and its my turn to show my ID and like an idiot i brought my purse which had my ciggs in it so i had to go put em in my car.. by the time i got back up there enough people had gotten in front of me so that i missed the first group so i had to sit there with screaming babies and dirty smelly people for like 45 minutes until it was my turn.

Of course the second i saw his face all my frustrations went away. The visits are 30 minutes. but its 30 minutes of yelling "What, i can't hear you?!" and crouching over so your back hurts when its over. i think its more stressful than anything.

So he signed his things over to me so i can pick em up. I asked one of the guards where i pick up property and he said around back. ..ok that doesn't tell me much so i ask someone else..."around back" Fuck it i'll find it my self so i drive around back... and theres all these gates and i don't no where the F im supposed to go so i go back to the front of the building this time i went in a diff entrance of course there was a speaker so i had to push a button and wait for someone to respond they tell me to talk threw the phone that is bak there. i remembered seeing a phone so i went back again and the guy said i could go through.. i stood there and thought to my self.. ok where... where do i go now.. so he waves me over now im at a gate.. no handle or anything.. he buzzez me in and i cant figure out how to open to stupid thing well i finally realized how and i opened it. now im in the middle of more gates so he buzzez another one (the sound is like a scary zapping noise..i didnt like it) Now im a big lot with gates and barbed wire all around i hear that noise again an assume its coming from the door on my right so i pushed it open. now im finally inside the jail in a little room with like 4 doors leading all diff places so now im really confused there is no one around and i dont no where to go now...i hear the buzing noise and try the first door on my left..bingo!!! now its just a long dark hallway.. i felt like i was in a F'ing dungeon or a prisoner my self... so i walked down the hallway and turned into the first room with an open door it was the room for paying bails or picking someone up.. im the only person in there so i go to the window and of course the guys back is to me and hes on the comp... im knocking on the glass yelling hello... at this point im aggravated and i just want to get the F outta there. he finally turns around and i tell him what im there for and he informs me that i can only pick it up mon-fri. I left slamming doors behind me.. if the first damn person i talked to about this had told me i couldn't get it on a Sunday i wouldn't of have to go through all that shit . I HATE jails i hate everything about going there. I dont even want to go back to visit him.. but i have to i need to see him and its only like 4 more times. ill just have to make sure i dont bring my ciggs with me next time.


It's good to vent.

it could be worse

so its been a few days since ive written i guess i just have nothing to write about or maybe too much i don't no where to start. F being away kinda makes me put that whole ordeal on the back burner and my life w/o him is pretty fuking lame.

I wish i would get motivated and start painting i bought some stuff when the rag shop was going out of business but i have yet to use it. im so lazy or maybe i just dont no what to paint. i envy those people who can just sit down, paint brush in hand and paint.. i have to think about what i want to paint. nothing really comes easy to me maybe i just need to clear my mind and maybe things will have an easier way finding there way out. but how do you do that?

Im proud of my self that ive been goin to the gym every day this week well i didnt go yest. n it felt weird i was just so tired im going to go today thought i have to i feel.....bad.... i need to go i want this to work i want to be happy in my own skin. i think my problem is that i get frustrated and i want it now now now i dont wanna wait. but i have to everything takes time and thats what i always tell F why is it that i can never take my own advice. its so easy to give.

I wish there was something i could do to make money...other then my full time job of course. im actually working 6 days a week now cuz im short employees until i hire some people. but something on the side.... my father ripped up the kitchen tile and saved ALOT of em for me cuz i was painting on them and it was going great my neighbor was gunna pay me like 20 $ for one.. if i just got a bunch of em done and maybe took em to the flea market who knows..its just finding the time to get em done.. i just hate struggling with bills n shit i never have until i met F..seriously i was always fine i always had my savings account full with a nice amount and that got wiped out.... god it sux so much having money saved and doing a good job saving it and then its gone. It's gone from me always spending it on him one way or another to "help" him..on the phone calls when he was away.. lending him money for "fines" i had like 1,200 $ that money came from money i got for my b-day and my tax refund... gone... he took money outta my bank account..and its just all gone.. and its not fair that now IM the one struggling to pay my bills..ughhhh why did i have to get into this it's the past i need to let it go.. the thing is that i no when he gets straight and gets on his feet ill see that money again... its just a matter of TIME...its just these kinds things that r still in the back of my mind and they come to me at times like today when im thinking about what he asked me last night "can you put 15$ in my commissary" (sp) he wants it so he can buy stamps n envelopes..now i dont no if they give you that stuff or what.. so i dont no if i should do it or not...I wish the shit just grew on trees!!!!!! i think to my self.. are you serious.. he is really asking me for money!!! even in jaill!!!! and part of me feels bad and wants to give it to him but part of me wants to say no... not even explain my self cuz he knows about my money situation. i dont no.. i need some advice