i thought it was time for an update

I'm not really sure why i havent been writting so much.. i guess b/c nothing exciting has really happend same ol' shit.

But to update..
I've been goin to the gym and spending time with my friends.
He's been going to meetings...from what i hear..... (there i go again doubting him, will it ever
stop?)
He still hasn't found a job.. i mean c'mon he's been out now for almost a month ...
he has done some work with friends n shit but enough he needs to get a job like everyone else
i wish i knew what his problem was.. he's not lazy and he's hardworking..when he works.
i hope he's not falling again

Our relationship has changed so much from the way it was in the beginning.
I feel like we are drifting apart, like im unhappy most of the time
and this has nothing to do with the drugs like it did before
I feel like i come second to..alot
i know his recovery comes first but like he will offer to help people out with w.e it is they need help with on a day when we are supposed to spend together.
I think its great that he wants to help people but it would be nice if i could have his un-divided attention for once...like i used to

I feel like im not getting the things i need from him
The things i used to look for in a boyfriend
from sexual things to the little things boyfriends do
things i USED to get from him
but not anymore
I'm left feeling unsatisfied most of the time

We have been fighting so much its insane
and the sick thing is that we only see each other like twice a week usually on the weekend
wouldn't you think after not seeing one another for a several days you'd be excited to them...
well i don't get that from him...
and he's been finding someway each time we are finally together to be a dick and fuck it up
which usually results in me leaving.
I'm not putting up with his shit
and im not gunna sit there and allow him to be a dick to me

i just don't no what his problem is.
he needs to get over himself and stop thinking that everyone thinks he ows them something...
he needs to start showing he is grateful for all things he has been given.
and you no what he does owe me something.. he owes me the respect i deserve and to be ther for me how i was for him.

ughhh!!! i dont no its soooo aggravating.. i dont no what to do
i dont have it in me to keep trying to make this work esp if it doesnt seem he is trying
i often feel like i dont even no him when he acts certain ways..
i dont no if the reasons i have are reasons to leave him
or if thats what i want

im so confused and hurt at the same time b/c ive invested SO much into this relationship
I've learned things from him ive gotten closer to my family from him he has shown me alot im a part of his family...it was all so perfect everything i wanted and now it seems its not there anymore..and like i said i dont no if i want it there..

I'm also having alot of issues with myself..
im not happy with myself
there used to be things i liked about my self
and now it seems i cant find one damn things.
and i feel like that is holding me back from alot
my self esteem or lack there of is holding me back from doing what I truly want
does that sound ridiculous? i dont know
but it is...
I feel like.. if i was content with who i am.. then i wouldn't hold onto certain things..
id be able to live more for myself then other people.
Its so bad to let that get in the way but it is
and im taking steps in the right direction
im going to the gym..i think once i start to see come progress things will just start getting better and better....

i dont no i just wonder if this is just a phase
or if its just gunna keep down hill from here
i mean i no he lives with his moms.. so somethngs are limited and stuff like that
and he has no car yada yada yada
but is this shit ever gunna change....
i dont no if i want to wait and find out..