I think the main problem is that he doesnt understand what it's like to be on the other side of this whole mess. He doesnt really know what it's like for "us". He ALWAYS tells me im living in the past and to "get over it" and stop bringing things up, but it's alot harder then he thinks. For example...yesterday.
He is painting his sister walls inside the house so he was there yest. Well i called and his sister answerd and said she had no idea where he was, it was as if he just went the bathroom or something, front door unlocked, shed unlocked, paint on the floor,no note nothing. He doesnt have a cell phone (well now he does but ill get to that later) so no one had anyway of reaching him. Automaticlly i went in panic mode once he wasnt back in like 10 minutes.. so obviously he didnt just go across the street to 711 or anything. So anyway his mom called me she was pretty frantic wondering why he left, where he went and why he left everything open. So a few mintues later his sister called me and told me that he is back and that he went to get lunch. So im a little annoyed that he didnt call me,,ya no.. why did his sister call me to tell me that,, idk but thats a tiny tiny part of this all... so he gets on the phone and i said something along the lines of "what is wrong with you?" and he replies with "I'm not fucking doing this im going bye" and he hangs up. So i just stood there like wtf. Now maybe i shouldnt have said that, i prob should have just let him explain. so admitt that was the wrong way of approaching it but sometimes esp when i was paniking before its hard for me to be calm..( i need to work on this i know) so anyway i called back..or did he.. i dont remember but when he called back he was trying to explain he told me he went out to lunch with a friend and he was a little calmer and i just told him i was worried..we all were. i just told him that maybe next time at least a note or something that would prevent this from happening.. i dont expect him to check in with every move he makes for chirsts sake but knowing the circumstances and knowing he had no cell phone.. it would be nice if it seemed like he cared about anyone elses feeling but his own...
oh while dealing with him being M.I.A i had a little ordeal at work..An older man had a heart attack i think and died.. so i was all frantic about that..finding a dead guy on the floor isnt exactlly my cup of tea. so i was dealing with all the questions from the detectives and these people in and out and i was a lil shookin up from seeing that. So thats why i was calling him to tell him about that. So i was goin nuts dealing with all these things at once.
oh also..something that made me a lil sceptical..was his voice... you know.. that scratchy, groggy, slow speach with the occasional 1/2 fake cough sounding thing. So with that..it made it kinda hard to think straight..i didn't dare ask anyquesitons b/c i didnt want to accuse him and i knew if he had doens somthign he wouldnt tell me anyway.
He proceeds to tell me he bought a cell phone with the $40.00 his brother in law gave him yest. Now keep in mind.. he has a pre-paid phone..it has no minutes.. but they make these things called PHONE CARDS. Well as soon as he said he bought a phone i wanted to explode and scream at him .. but i tried to keep my cool as long as i could.
I was mad he bough it b/c, He has a phone, thats all the money he's got to his name...literally, He owes TWO towns money and if he doesnt pay them they will put out a warrent.. so instead of taking that money and paying $5.00 to each,Ya know showing some kind of reasponsibility he goes out and buys a friggin phone. He complains he needs shoes and that he has no money for ciggs or to take a bus to find a JOB and he gets money and he blows it!!! He did the last time he got a little money also.
Yes it is his money, it's his life he can do what he wants and if he doesnt pay his fines n ends up back in jail it's on him. But it's just hard when he is supposed to be "proving" him self to..himself mainly and he isnt doing anything to do so.
I try so hard not to come like im his mom or w/e believe me thats the last things i want. but he is just so damn thick headed and never seems to get it.
We just CAN'T communicate.. i try VERY hard to be in his shoes and i feel for him i really really do but it seems he cant do that.. and all he ever has to say is "you need to get over it" Im SO sick of hearing those words he doesnt realize i am scard from some of the things he has done and it takes a long time to get over somethings. I dont no if he will ever see this. He just cant deal with the damage he has caused.. and be here for me when i need the support..but yet i was always there for him and gave him my all.. and he can't do the same...
Also lately..we have been breaking up everyother day it seems..or at least every weekend.. how fking highschool is that?
When something doesnt go his way or if we are arguing he will just say things like "i think our relationship is over" Did i EVER say shit like that when you pulled all your crazy stunts. He did it yest. with the whole phone thing and him missing. and quite frankly im just like OK then.. cuz im not gunna feed into that bull shit.
Maybe i should just face the facts that this isnt going to work..not right now anyway, Maybe we do need to go our seperate ways and see what happens after that. I cant stand by and watch him go down the same path he went down all the other times. I can stand and watch him continue to be irreasponsible. I can't be broken up with every friggin week cuz he doesnt no how to deal with life. I cant do it. i dont need that stress.
I need some insight, I think i know what to do and that is to just not be with him right now. I dont think im in the right state of mind for a boyfriend right now anyway, im too unhappy with my self and i think if i work on me i can have a clear mind.
i dunno help me O wise ones pleeeease
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I can't take it anymore...
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7 comments:
Follow your gut, your instinct. That little voice inside of you is screaming at you, so listen. You will be ok, know that. You are so strong, you will get through this.And you are not alone, you have friends here who will help you.
It sounds like you are being held hostage by his sickness- like many addicts, especially young ones, you were there for him and he hasn't the slightest clue what that took, what it means- and his only job is to stay straight.
Does he have the capacity to treat you like you, as a human, should be treated? Take care of you. All else will fall into place naturally.
If you are unhappy with yourself, or if you do not love yourself, it makes it extremely difficult to find happiness and love in another. Often times when we feel like this we seek validation from the person we love, when this person is unwilling or unable to give us that validation, then we are left in a very scary position of not knowing what to do. It does sound like perhaps the best thing for you is to take a break for yourself. Take a break and work on the things you think will help you feel better about yourself. If things are meant to be, then you can split, he can work on his recovery, you can work on yourself, and sometime in the future you can work together on your relationship. But it sounds as if personal recovery and personal health should come before anything.
I agree with Mantramine! I totally relate with what you're going through. Addicts in early recovery just don't get it! I'm not sure that addicts in "late recovery" get it and ever understand what it's like to be on the other side. WAIT A MINUTE! I do know ... You know when I got it... when I was on the other side of it! I never fully realized what I put others through and what my addict behavior was like to deal with until I was on the otherside!
Straight out of rehab and even a year into recovery I had NO CLUE what my friends and family went through and put up with for me! I was too busy taking responsibility for my own recovery, and daring them to say they helped!
Sometimes you have to know when to walk away and sometimes you have to realize you're codependent and do something about it. I'm doing something about my codependency now... SLOWLY ... for me I didn't have to do this but I can tell you this... if it were not for 3 children and the fact that he's in recovery I would be SO GONE right now.. taking a huge break to show him exactly what his life would be like without me to hold him up when he needs it! Ultimately you have to follow that gut instinct... you'll know when it's time to go or stay!
Good luck to you and know you have people here if you need us!
Time to take the focus away from HIM and place it on you. What do you want? Be honest with yourself.
It is so f-ing annoying when they say "get over it." How the hell do they know anything about it at all? They don't know OUR aspect of the story or our feelings AT ALL.
It is time to work on you. Next time he tries to "take a break" or even sooner, say fine, and be done with it. At least for now.
WOW!
This is my first time here and my first post. I read the other post you made about being a cunt but this was a lil more detailed you know :P
From the sounds of things seems like your VERY fucking fustrated as well you should be.
Seems like hes out there doing his thing and he doesnt really have any regaurds for you or your feelings huny.
Now did you actually see the new cell he bought?
All these problems are not yours if he doesnt want to be with you.
If he wants to go then let him go, take a break and see what happens.
I KNOW this is harder done then said.
I know you love and feel for him but sometimes when you stay there, they take advantage, and think that they can fall and you will be right there to pick them up.
I going to keep on reading, feel free to stop by my spot.
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