more

while i sit here and cry ..the tears come out and they bring out all the pain and remind me of everything

god i have the worst feeling in my stomch right now
its like my body wants me to just cry and my mind so filled with things..overflowing wont let it

l have no one to call and cry to..to talk to..no one to hold me n tell me its ok...i havent in so long n wen he has he was fuking high or w.e he was n it didnt mean a thng it wasnt the same

i just think about all the nights we'd be in bed and id just want him to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night and he was already passed out sleeping
id be laying there..crying
cuz i knew what he had done
and i was always so alone..even with him right next to me


i cried my self to sleep most nights
sometimes loud enough were youd think the person next to you would hear
but no the high he was on was too strong and had him in another world
i would go from sad to angry
cuz he wouldnt wake up and comfort me
and if he did he would just get mad and ask me why im crying again
or just leave the room

god forbid i would ruin his high
cuz i was upset

there were so many times he would just leave me
leave the house b/c i was crying or upset cuz i knew he was high
and he didnt want to be confronted with that
so he would just leave
leave me standing there crying my eyes out


sometimes he would come back in a few minutes and just lay on the bed like nothing was wrong
he is a monster when he is high he has no emotions no cares

i keep thinking about wut he has said to me.. mean things.. all b/c i was saying it like it is..saying i didnt wanna b around him or didnt want him to use my car and all of a sudden i turned into a bitch.. a dirty whore..w/e u can think of b/c I wanted to protect my self, my things

im still not over that and i havent done anything to deserve that
i dont call names..but im sry if anyone deserves to be called a name its not me

there are so many things that have happend that i think of..and i still want answers to
i still want to no the fuking truth
and i want my things back..
things he took from me from my house and sold
but most of all i want my sanity back
i want this to be over
i want to stop worrying
i want a normal life

I feel

Im going through such a rough time right now, so many different things running through my mind. It's like my brain is one big traffic jam backed up with so much distruction nothing is moving along.

I feel so alone, most of the time. I mean yea, i know i can relate to the people who write their own blogs but its not the same when you cant even really talk to your friends about it and when you have to hide things from your family.

I'm afraid of so many things.

My heart has been through hell over the past year and a 1/2. I've never had SO many ups and downs in such a small amount of time, It really messes with you emotionally.

I feel like a great big ball of emotions.

I feel like screaming What about me!!!??!

I feel like im always doing things for everyone and helping eveyone. When is it my turn?
I feel so left out alot, like it's always somone elses problems or dilemas or w/e. Not mine.....

A co-worker and i were talking the other day about relationships and stuff he had gone threw with his girl and just how im so young but so ready to settle down and how i have an "old soul".
When he asked about my current relationship, its like i cant even answer the questions.
A. b/c he doesnt know anything about F and im not about to spill my guts.
B. b/c with all the stuff ive been threw with F i cant give an answer like i should be able to.

Like he asked me ..if thats what i want with him..to settle down and marry him and all that.
I couldnt even say ..yes! And so he said how when he is asked that question he wants to be able to just say yes and not have to think about it like i did. He makes a wonderfull point. There was a time when i would say YES!!!!! but now i cant. That hurts.

I dont know it just hurts when people who dont really know ask me stuff and i cant even give them an honest answer b/c of all the "shit" that has gone on with F, Shit i cant even give my self an answer.

I also think about how its been so long since he was..NOT using. That i forget what it was like. I almost forget how he REALLY is.

All of this is making me SO sensitive to things. Things people say or do. I take it all the absolute wrong way.

I feel like im demanding attention inside...i dont no..
im not the type of person to need to be in the spot light..actually i hate it
i guess im just tierd of giving all ive got and getting nothing in return.

I day dream

When am i gunna have someone to cook me dinner, take me out to dinner.
Have money to do things with me, and not me being the only one with money and a job and a car and a house.

Im so tierd of it...tierd of taking care.. i need to be taken care of.

disease

I'll take the blame

So you don't have to feel ashamed.

I'll hide your pain

So deep that you won't feel a thing.

as I hold you

I'm drowning too.

I'll hide my tears

To help you through.

But inside I'm screaming for some healing,

Never felt so empty and I'm telling you it's slowly killing me

Pleading for some meaning

I need to know there's something more to living than this horrible disease.

I'll block it out,

The screams that fill my mind with doubt.

Pleas quiet down,

I need you to be calm, not shout.

Calm wash it down,

to help you take it easy,

To keep your heart from freezingJust for now.

Screaming for some healing,

Never felt so empty and I'm telling you it's slowly killing me.

Pleading for some meaning,

I need to know there's something more to living than this horrible disease

pardon me

A decade ago, I never thought I would be. At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me
But I guess that it goes with the territory.
Anonymous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take And exploding seems like a definite possibility To me

So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me.
I'll never be the same.

Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D
And thinking so much differently.
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame Pardon me, pardon me.
I'll never be the same.

isnt this just the strangest looking thing,,,

mmmm rain

what a wonderfull rainy day it is. I cant wait to go home light some candles clean up my room and just relax, maybe take a lil nap, bubble bath, maybe make a phone call ;o).

idk what it is about a rainy day, i just love them, the sound the rain makes when it hits the window. There even better with a lil thunder and lightening and someone to cuddle with!

feelin good..feelin real good

ive been doing good with the exercise things. I think my problem is that i dont see progress in 2 days and thats what makes me want to give up im so impatient! i have to realize that it takes more then 2 days to see progress! So i cant wait until next Monday that will be one week of working out everyday and eating healthier i no i will see some progress then and i know that will make me want to continue.

other then that everything is the same old crap nothing new to talk about F comes home in like 2 1/2 weeks i cant wait! for more then one reason! ;o)

well i have looooots to do at work today so i will post more when i have something interesting to talk about!

Doesnt it hurt

When you stick that needle in your arm, don't you feel the pain?
Is it worth it, to hurt your self only to look like a fool
What do you gain?Spoons, syringes, razor blades, mirrors..
Things to you that are nothing but a tool

Why would someone want to intentionally cause himself pain
I know it hurts you, It has to
What could you possibly gain?
I could ask you until my face was blue
You are too numb to even answer

You are not the only one who's feels this pain
The lies you tell, the things you steal
You have nothing to gain!
The life you live, it isn't real

Doesn't it hurt...

Can you keep on living causing pain?
Every where you go it follows
What do you have to gain?
Is your heart really that hollow

Your life is dark and decrepit filled with nothing but pain
You walk down a road to nowhere
What could you possibly have to gain?
Your face is nothing but a blank stare

You are not the only one who feels this pain
If you continue on this path, there will be nothing left
You have nothing to gain!
Soon your family will put you to rest

Doesn't it hurt....

He makes me hate things

people, places and things. I hate going to certain places or driving by certain stores and seeing certain faces. I hate remembering times we've had together, things that should be happy memories but for me they are not. My happy memories are fuzzy, so hard to find sometimes.

I'm one to save things that mean something to me, like movie tickets or cards or flowers. It really hit me the other day. I was cleaning my room and i did something i usually would never do I threw out tickets from a comedy show we had went to. We went to see bob sagget live, the show was weird and it was pretty twisted to see a man who for all my years growing up was known as the dad of Full House, talk about fking animals and making fun of fat people. Even though the show sucked if he wasn't in opiate heaven nodding off and scratching the whole time i probably would of had a 1/2 decent time, It could have been a nice night out. But now to me that is just another bad memory a place i hate now and id prob cringe if i drove by it. I don't even want to remember things. There are very few things we've done with out him being high that i can remember, It's sad cause I'm a pretty sentimental person. I just cant face some things though, i threw those tickets out with out second guessing the thought or even looking at them. I threw other things out that i wouldn't normally throw out, i just don't want to remember somethings.

Even going in some stores bothers me. I just think of the times we were there and he was embarassing me b/c he was acting like an adict.

He had been going to a christian church. Now im not a very religious person and im catholic. Being the wonderfull girlfriend that i am i told him i would go to the christian church with him. It took alot for me to go i really didnt want to but i did it for him, i did it to support him and hey...maybe i would like it. So we went one sunday and surprise can you guess who was passed out? head on shoulder every time i looked over at him. I kept knudging him to wake up and he said that that is just how he listens ( i was born at night but it wasnt last night) well i was getting mader and mader by the minute finaly i just said i wanted to leave and i got up and walked out. Here i was in a place that was very unfamiliar and very strange for me, i felt very uncomfortable but i was still willing to wait it out and see what happens and he had the nerve to go there like that! I was livid to say the least. Talk about going back there when he gets out has come up from him lately and its going to be very hard for me to go again after the fist episode.

It hurts alot to think about these things, it really bothers me and i havent mentioned this to him yet. I will tell him when he gets out, i need to, he needs to no.

This cant be normal

My back hurts. If i sit up straight it hurts even more then when i slouch. I think i need to go to a chiropractor..Ive never been I'm scared their gunna hurt me. It's not even just one part is the whole thing. This is getting out of control though its killing me to the point sometimes where i just don't no whether to sit, stand, lay, or just cry from aggravation.

I realized..

Nothing is ever enough for me i always want more...

i have to go to the gym.

So i havent been to the gym since that one week i did good.
i have around a month untill F comes home and if i wait any longer i wont be able to make good progress b4 he gets back. My goal is to work out and eat right until he gets home and see what i can do within that time. ( i will continue when he's out but its just a lil goal) i think its a good goal and a month is a decent amount of time.

why am i trying to talk my self into going!!! why not just go!?!!
grrrr i still dont no what my prob is.. ive already waisted 3 weeks. he has been gone 3 weeks and i didnt do anything!

i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.
i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.
i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.

oh, my poor jail bird

So Being as inpatient as the next person in jail F has been bugging me about calling all these diff people and places to find out his release date. Now i can only imagine how boring it is in there and all you do all day is think so im sure he just wants to know so he can kinda count down. Ive called these people, so has his mom. We havent gotten an exact date but its gunna be somewhere around the 4th of Oct. So i told him just start counting down to Oct.1 and know that it will only be days after that or maybe even before. Well thats not enough and this morning he asked me to call this one lady in the parol dept. I'm at work... i hate making those calls at work its not proffesional and i dont need people hearing me talk about those things here. I asked his mom to call, all she does all day is sit on her ass, so i thought id ask her even though she has called b4 also. Well. her response was " Tell him to stop and to relax, I'm not calling, i already called and they told me the 4th bla blah blah" So of course being the overdramatic that i can be it felt like she was yelling this at me and therefor i felt like a fool for even asking the bitch.. tho she does have a point we have called several times and its time to just let it go. I called this lady at the jail anyway and she couldnt talk to me ..confidentiality blah blah blah shit and she wasnt the nicest. So now i kinda feel crappy for even making the calls i knew what was going to happen and i shouldnt have called, once again i allowed him to control me. Well when i talk to him again im telling him thats it! no more phone calls.

Before that convo we were talking about how his moms bday is comming up and i mentioned that one of my friends bday is also comming at the end of the month. I told him how she invited me to go on some party bus with other people into NY for the night.. bar hoping and sillyness i guess. Well b4 i told F about it i told her i couldnt go, for a few reasons. I cant afford a present AND the 50$ to go on this thing ,plus food plus drinks yada yada.. oh yea i forgot "i dont drink anymore" ( thats something i gave up b/c of F i tend to forget sumtimes) also its on a mon night and i have work the next day so i sed i cant make it.. When i mentioned it to F this AM he said "your not going" b4 i even got to tell him i already told her i wasnt going. He was serious though, he didnt want me to go and he prob would have been mader then mad if i went. I can understand where he is comming from i woudlnt really want him goin on sum party bus into NY with out me either... yea im a control freak just like him lol So yea he is the main reason why im not going.. plus i dont drink...or im not supposed to and i really really dont have the money to spend so i guess it is a combo of a few things. Then i mentioned that i told her id take her out to eat just me n her either b4 or after her bday and his reaction was "After! so i can come!" In my head im thinking didnt you hear Just ME and HER. I havent hung out with her in so long and she is the best of the bests, I wouldnt care if he came another time, he would get along with her b/f so it would b cool. Not this time though..we need some girl time anyway.

I have never done anything to make him not trust me, not even the smallest thing. He should be happy that i dont go out on friday or sat nights with me friends (while he is in jail) and me going out to eat with a good friend for her bday should not EVEN be an issue.

Ive put up with so much shit from him and i waited around for him for so long i deserve this! I understand he is lonely in there and jealous that i can go out and he cant (he told me ) But he needs to see that HE put him self there no one else. Maybe THIS time he is in there for silly reasons like missing a parol meetting or w/e and its not sumthing more serious like giving a dirty urine but still if he wasnt doing the wrong thing at some point he wouldnt be there.

It's just stressfull. I wish he would just say ..go have a good time. Thats all i dont ask for much .
The whole going out thing is hard. I dont want to make him jealous or to make him worry about who im with and what im doing. So If i did go out with a friend ( by go out i mean go shopping or out to eat, not out out) i would opt not to tell him. Id rather not tell him then have to listen to him complain about it or to get a million phone calls during my outage.

I'm going out to eat with her for her bday he is not going to stop me. I cant put my life on hold comletly while he is gone and he is just going to have to understand that, besides im not doing anything wrong! its completly innocent!

Candels make me cry

So I've come to realize that i can only hold in my tears for so long before they come pouring out. Sometimes it takes physical pain for me to let go and cry. I had a pretty good day today, i had just gotten outta the shower and i was about to paint my toe nails when i bumped into my TV which had a huge 5 wick candle on it, down it went and it landed right on my back. Despite the fact that it hurt like hell i just sat on my bed and cried. I cried like a little baby for a good ten minutes, and it wasn't even because of the physical pain. I didn't and still don't really not why i was crying, but i couldn't stop and i just felt sad after. On my way to F's moms house i was just kinda in a daze..a sad..daze. I snapped out of it now but, it made me realize i hold in my emotions sometimes. Not always but sometimes and i guess i just needed a good cry. It just made me think of all kinds of things. On my ride here i just looked at all the "happy" people, the people in the restaurant and the couple riding their bikes and i just wished that was us and thought to my self that i want that, i just want a normal life.

It's the weekend!

It's saturday and im at work again, ever since i let the bitch go ive been working 6 days a week. Monday is labor day and of course we're not closed we never are so im opening from 10am-10pm im supposed to work 10-4. Well i get payed 8 hours wether im here or not paid holidays rock! AND i get paid for any hours im phyisically here. So with that said and in a time of needing money i think im gunna work the whole 12 hours! I might as well there are only 3 "holidays" i get paid for the 8 hours plus what i work (except xmas thanksgiving and new yrs but we r closed so they dont count) so its 4th of july , memorial day and labor day so i might as well us em for all their money. Nice fat paycheck here i come!!





Tomarrow is sunday, thats usually what comes after saturday. Time to go back to jail, not literally of course. I get to see my sexy mans sexy face ;o) and sexy body ;o) and i cant touch ;o(


Thats the worst part i leave there all hot n botherd. Damn and im goin with his mom its ok i can contain myself. I can't wait until he gets out im gunna run and jump and not get down. Sex is not by any means the most important thing in a relationship F and i both agree about this, infact we never talk about it when he is away. but god i cant help not to think about when and where the next time will be! and how it will be.. i tend to worry that maybe it will be uncomfortable since its been like a month and when he gets out it will be over 2 months. It's usually not..it's as if we never stopped.. ok sory to whoever is reading this ive just been feeling a little...lets say..lonely lately lol



So i made eggplant parm last night omg it was soooooo good. Like so good that i cant stop thinking about it..im such a fat ass.. but it was really good and pretty i should have taken a pic. i love to cook and i dont that much anymore cuz im lazy i guess.. and b4 F went away i was alwayss with him n never home so i never could. But i owe it to my dad so im doing alot of cooking for him while im around, cuz im nice like that!

ok i have to get back to work less than 3 hours till i go home waaaahooo!!! and im staying at his moms house tonight in his old bed ;o) im excited!