people, places and things. I hate going to certain places or driving by certain stores and seeing certain faces. I hate remembering times we've had together, things that should be happy memories but for me they are not. My happy memories are fuzzy, so hard to find sometimes.
I'm one to save things that mean something to me, like movie tickets or cards or flowers. It really hit me the other day. I was cleaning my room and i did something i usually would never do I threw out tickets from a comedy show we had went to. We went to see bob sagget live, the show was weird and it was pretty twisted to see a man who for all my years growing up was known as the dad of Full House, talk about fking animals and making fun of fat people. Even though the show sucked if he wasn't in opiate heaven nodding off and scratching the whole time i probably would of had a 1/2 decent time, It could have been a nice night out. But now to me that is just another bad memory a place i hate now and id prob cringe if i drove by it. I don't even want to remember things. There are very few things we've done with out him being high that i can remember, It's sad cause I'm a pretty sentimental person. I just cant face some things though, i threw those tickets out with out second guessing the thought or even looking at them. I threw other things out that i wouldn't normally throw out, i just don't want to remember somethings.
Even going in some stores bothers me. I just think of the times we were there and he was embarassing me b/c he was acting like an adict.
He had been going to a christian church. Now im not a very religious person and im catholic. Being the wonderfull girlfriend that i am i told him i would go to the christian church with him. It took alot for me to go i really didnt want to but i did it for him, i did it to support him and hey...maybe i would like it. So we went one sunday and surprise can you guess who was passed out? head on shoulder every time i looked over at him. I kept knudging him to wake up and he said that that is just how he listens ( i was born at night but it wasnt last night) well i was getting mader and mader by the minute finaly i just said i wanted to leave and i got up and walked out. Here i was in a place that was very unfamiliar and very strange for me, i felt very uncomfortable but i was still willing to wait it out and see what happens and he had the nerve to go there like that! I was livid to say the least. Talk about going back there when he gets out has come up from him lately and its going to be very hard for me to go again after the fist episode.
It hurts alot to think about these things, it really bothers me and i havent mentioned this to him yet. I will tell him when he gets out, i need to, he needs to no.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
He makes me hate things
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2 comments:
During the past 4 years, I have thrown many many things away, that I would have never gotten rid of before. I find it part of the forgiveness process. At first, it was out of pain, but then I conciously switched it, into a "cleaning out" so to speak.
It is very hard to forgive and to get past the pain. Pain is not something you can hold physically. However, things that reminded me of a painful time, that I could get rid of,I did throw out,and in turn, threw out the hurtful feelings, the pain, the anger, the embarrasment, the resentments, and the feeling of loss. In doing this, I was able to forgive my Joe, and allow the past to stay in the past.
Maybe this will help you get through this time. When things come up and hit you in the face like that, it hurts worse then if remembered on your own. the pain is real, and it is something that needs to be worked through, or it has a way of preventing you from enjoying and embracing the love, which is what really matters in the end.
Best of luck with this. I hope it helps a little.
Thoughts and prayers,
Nic
This sleeping in church thing ... could have been Chris.
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