while i sit here and cry ..the tears come out and they bring out all the pain and remind me of everything
god i have the worst feeling in my stomch right now
its like my body wants me to just cry and my mind so filled with things..overflowing wont let it
l have no one to call and cry to..to talk to..no one to hold me n tell me its ok...i havent in so long n wen he has he was fuking high or w.e he was n it didnt mean a thng it wasnt the same
i just think about all the nights we'd be in bed and id just want him to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night and he was already passed out sleeping
id be laying there..crying
cuz i knew what he had done
and i was always so alone..even with him right next to me
i cried my self to sleep most nights
sometimes loud enough were youd think the person next to you would hear
but no the high he was on was too strong and had him in another world
i would go from sad to angry
cuz he wouldnt wake up and comfort me
and if he did he would just get mad and ask me why im crying again
or just leave the room
god forbid i would ruin his high
cuz i was upset
there were so many times he would just leave me
leave the house b/c i was crying or upset cuz i knew he was high
and he didnt want to be confronted with that
so he would just leave
leave me standing there crying my eyes out
sometimes he would come back in a few minutes and just lay on the bed like nothing was wrong
he is a monster when he is high he has no emotions no cares
i keep thinking about wut he has said to me.. mean things.. all b/c i was saying it like it is..saying i didnt wanna b around him or didnt want him to use my car and all of a sudden i turned into a bitch.. a dirty whore..w/e u can think of b/c I wanted to protect my self, my things
im still not over that and i havent done anything to deserve that
i dont call names..but im sry if anyone deserves to be called a name its not me
there are so many things that have happend that i think of..and i still want answers to
i still want to no the fuking truth
and i want my things back..
things he took from me from my house and sold
but most of all i want my sanity back
i want this to be over
i want to stop worrying
i want a normal life
Thursday, September 27, 2007
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3 comments:
You are not alone. We who care are out here. We listen through your writing and we send hugs through cyber space. Take care.
There is so much I want to say to you, but most of all, I understand. I have been there, am there, and I know the lonliness you feel. It doesnt help much to know we are here, we care, we listen, because we are not there. We can not dry your tears, lend a shoulder. I do understand. Please, drop me an email, ANYTIME. Know that you are not alone.
What helps me when I'm in this space is to go to live meetings. I get a lot of support here in cyberspace, but there is something about having live people in front of you experiencing the same things I am and feeling the same things. Is there naranon where you are? If not, Codependents Anonymous is another good place to find people with similar experiences. Alanon's another resource. Hang in there.
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