Im going through such a rough time right now, so many different things running through my mind. It's like my brain is one big traffic jam backed up with so much distruction nothing is moving along.
I feel so alone, most of the time. I mean yea, i know i can relate to the people who write their own blogs but its not the same when you cant even really talk to your friends about it and when you have to hide things from your family.
I'm afraid of so many things.
My heart has been through hell over the past year and a 1/2. I've never had SO many ups and downs in such a small amount of time, It really messes with you emotionally.
I feel like a great big ball of emotions.
I feel like screaming What about me!!!??!
I feel like im always doing things for everyone and helping eveyone. When is it my turn?
I feel so left out alot, like it's always somone elses problems or dilemas or w/e. Not mine.....
A co-worker and i were talking the other day about relationships and stuff he had gone threw with his girl and just how im so young but so ready to settle down and how i have an "old soul".
When he asked about my current relationship, its like i cant even answer the questions.
A. b/c he doesnt know anything about F and im not about to spill my guts.
B. b/c with all the stuff ive been threw with F i cant give an answer like i should be able to.
Like he asked me ..if thats what i want with him..to settle down and marry him and all that.
I couldnt even say ..yes! And so he said how when he is asked that question he wants to be able to just say yes and not have to think about it like i did. He makes a wonderfull point. There was a time when i would say YES!!!!! but now i cant. That hurts.
I dont know it just hurts when people who dont really know ask me stuff and i cant even give them an honest answer b/c of all the "shit" that has gone on with F, Shit i cant even give my self an answer.
I also think about how its been so long since he was..NOT using. That i forget what it was like. I almost forget how he REALLY is.
All of this is making me SO sensitive to things. Things people say or do. I take it all the absolute wrong way.
I feel like im demanding attention inside...i dont no..
im not the type of person to need to be in the spot light..actually i hate it
i guess im just tierd of giving all ive got and getting nothing in return.
I day dream
When am i gunna have someone to cook me dinner, take me out to dinner.
Have money to do things with me, and not me being the only one with money and a job and a car and a house.
Im so tierd of it...tierd of taking care.. i need to be taken care of.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I feel
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I also think about how its been so long since he was..NOT using. That i forget what it was like. I almost forget how he REALLY is.
This struck a cord in me when i read this. (When my husband was in active addiction.) I know exactly what you mean. I remember telling him one time that I felt like I was cheating on him with him!
It took me awhile emotionally, but i had to learn to seperate my husband, who was the most honest & caring person you would ever meet, to the bastard of a man he turned into while he was in active addiction. I told him once that he used to be the kind of person who i totally trusted, the kind of man who would die for me. But then he turned into the kind of man who would sell me (not literally) for his next rock. That feeling still hurts and he's in recovery! But I have been able to forgive him..it wasn't him. It was his DOC.
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