So it's Friday and i feel like this is my last "free" couple of days. I have to pick up F on tuesday and im worried that from then on my life will be hectic n crazy like b4. I'm stressin it bad.
I already know things are..HAVE TO BE different when he comes out and the only reason i know i will be able to stick to my words this time is b/c of this blog and all you wonderfull people who have helped me. This time i have a backbone..a support group to back me up.
I just don't want to deal with him and all his crap i can't and i won't put up with it but im still gunna have to deal with it.
Like he has no car, no phone, no this no that and i know thats not my problem and im not gunna make it my problem.
HE has to deal with it..
im not giving him money so he can call me from a pay phone
im not buying him ciggaretts
im not waking up an hour early to drive across 3 towns to pick him up n bring him to work
im not rushing to his call when i get out of work or at all
im not paying to stay at a hotel with him
these are all things i used to do and i cant and i wont do it anymore he has to learn that im not doing things for him and that if he wants to talk to me or hangout with me or w/e he is going to have to put forth the effort get an F'in job or two, get money and support himself.
I just have this feeling that when i tell him how its going to be he is gunna freak out.. turn the story around and make me feel guilty.. i CANT let that happen but i dont no if im strong enough... I can say one thing though..knowing that i have this blog to come home to i know it is going to help ALOT.
I'm just fearing things...like...
him expecting me to go to him wherever he is when i get out of work and his reaction when i tell him I'm not or something..
i dont know i cant even get my thoughts out straight to make sense..
i just dont want to deal with the response i get from him when he finds out it's not going to be the same as it has been all the other times..
like i used to go to him everyday after work hang out..drive around waist gas go home late go to work n do it all over again..and thats jsut one more thing..gas..its not cheap and since he has been gone i havent been spending nearly as much money on it as i was b4. I know if he has a job he would give me money but that never seems to happen..it never gets that far..
idk i just need to stop worrying about things and let them happen.. I'm going to tell him what i want and what IM going to do THIS time and if he doesnt like it then oh well.. cuz i am not living my life the way i did b4...pretty much living outta my car, never going home..giving my dad the cold shoulder.. im not doing it again..
ugghhhh all i can say is I DON'T KNOW
i dont know how it is going to be when he gets out
i dont know how he will react to the change
i dont how I will react to it either...
i dont no how to feel right now..
i just dont know
so its better to not think about it so much and just let it happen
Friday, October 5, 2007
I DONT KNOW!!
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3 comments:
I think you have all the right ideas, the determination not to let him dictate your life and ultimately to end his ability to use you. It's scary to tell someone it's time for some tough love, that you aren't going to enable him to continue his lifestyle. You don't know how he will react. Ultimately if he loves you, he will eventually understand, and hopefully begin to change. No matter what, I think that what is important is that you come first; your needs, your feelings, and your peace of mind.
You have lots of friends here, and more that you will meet along the way. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone who has been where you are now.
Hang in there. Hugs.
Hey Gurl,
Stay in today. That is the best piece of advice I can give you. Today you are strong, that is what matters.
I really think, we HAVE to learn to take care of ourselves, only then can we begin to take care of eachother.
How have your talks with him been at visits? Has he sounded like he has changed? Have you discussed this with him there?
I am curious, if you have done this, what is his responce to you? I think if we try to predict how anothers reactions will be, we worry about things we can not controll, or things that may not even happen.
Email me. Anytime. We can talk more in depth then. Hang in gurl, I am here for you. You stay strong, for today. Let tomorrow wait.
Hugs to you
Nic
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