AHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

He asked to barrow my car!


NO
Did i mention...NO?

The guys may want to stay away from this one ;o)

I'm now on a misson to find this man!!!

anyone wanna help?!

Must be nice

Why is it that people are so willing to help F
and in says i hate them for it....well not hate but...
Some guy who is in NA apparently bought him a pre-paid phone today
and this same guy also has $200.00 for F to help him get into an oxford house.

Like whats the deal..it fucking annoys me for me some reason
Shouldn't i be happy he has people to help him
and also happy for the fact that its not me..

well for some reason it makes me..kinda mad..
Maybe its almost jealousy... im not sure
He fucks up..goes away for a lil while
Comes back and theres someone giving him things already
It's like geeez if i start doing drugs and going to jail are people gunna be buying me cells phones and diner and shit..

I know thats a totally stupid thing to say
and i don't really feel that way
idk it's just weird..
i wish people would give him chance to get these things on his house instead of handing it to him

Might as well throw money at him

Like when we were engaged my dad gave him (us) like $900.00 for a truck for F
I was PISSED
I wish my dad had talked to me about if before offering that kinda money up
I was mad b/c i guess i knew he was using on and off
and i didnt want my dad to make that mistake
but he did anyway
and the truck is gone and yada yada yada

I just believe that giving him everything is not showing him anything except
"Hey i can just keep getting into trouble b/c i know there will be someone to give me shit when im out of jail"
He needs to live without those things until he can earn them on his own.

idk i just had to vent a little but im done
for now

PARAMORE: Pressure

I havent written in a while
and when i have it's either been a song or lyrics.
I just have so much on my mind right now and getting it out in song form seems like the only way i can express my self right now...


Ok well i stared at the screen for a while and...nothing
I'll try again another day

Flyleaf - there for you

Please forgive me

His get out of jail song....but it never seems to last

Calm down... calm down... Baby just calm down...
She use to tell me to... calm down...
Moms use to tell me to... calm down...
Baby just calm down...
She use to tell me to... calm down...
(She would pray that I would) Baby just calm down... Calm down...

Look, I was such a lost soul, just wanted to be down with something
Look at your son now mommy I amounted to something
You couldn't figure out, what I had messed with the streets for
Cause you saw my genius without a SAT score
I took drugs and laced it with things
But you a addict yourself,
For you I was people, places and things
Angeldust use to have me in the hallways twurked
I tried to hide it, but Visine didn't always work
I needed someone to blame in my mind
I thought if you and dad never used dope I would a came out fine
And so I hit you hard when you threw in advice
Like what I want to talk to you about you ruined my life
You the reason why I ended up a con and I knew it
The reason I filled my body with embomin fluid, mommy
You the reason that my life's gone illegal
The reason I'm kinda different, don't think like normal people, not calm

baby just calm down... You gotta hold your head up cause we gone make it
She use to tell me to... calm down...
Moms use to tell me to... calm down... (You got to understand what I was going through)
Baby just calm down... Everything's gonna be alright
She use to tell me to... calm down...

Listen... ain't shit like seeing your moms crying on the floor
Knowing you the reason why she ain't alright no more
But so young, I was like whatever
You use to chase me through the house with the knife like get your life together
Fucking drugs, how could I ever amp on you
And what made me think that I could lay my hands on you
I'm not surprised that you mad at me
Much as you hated my father, your youngest son is just like his daddy
Mommy I live life rude, how could you not understand it
On the same note I'm just like you
I got moms sensitivity, my fathers balls
His humor, his g, and my heart is yours
Fuck school, cause I had my major
Come to grips that it ain't so much the drugs, it's the addict behavior
(no)Was it the dic charge, the cut that came with it
Wasn't really the smoking, but the rush that came with it

I felt so alone, I had a crew, but so what
Then when Angela stabbed me guess who showed up
And when people said I‘d always be ill and twisted
And when the therapist had told us that the pills would fix it
Was sick of being sick, I was finally hurt
With all the praying that you did ma, it finally worked
God gave you a son back, I won't offend you again
Won't let the disease turn me against you again
Use to be high as ever, (but I) Joey Jr. got his life together
As a result, now we tighter than ever
So blessed, so grateful to be seeing tomorrow (see the whole world)
That's why I can't take a drink, not if even a swallow
I can't picture me twisted, like what I'm a do now
Haters I can't stop yet, my mothers to proud
Secure now, don't need to be down with nothing
Look at your son now mommy, I amounted to something
I'm so calm

Calm down... Calm down...
You gotta hold your head up cause we gone make it y'all
They said I wouldn't reach 21 y'all... I'm still standing
Calm down... Thanks ma...
I couldn't do it without you
Calm down... Calm down... You are appreciated
It's a slow process
One day at a time though... to get beautiful

I DONT KNOW!!

So it's Friday and i feel like this is my last "free" couple of days. I have to pick up F on tuesday and im worried that from then on my life will be hectic n crazy like b4. I'm stressin it bad.

I already know things are..HAVE TO BE different when he comes out and the only reason i know i will be able to stick to my words this time is b/c of this blog and all you wonderfull people who have helped me. This time i have a backbone..a support group to back me up.

I just don't want to deal with him and all his crap i can't and i won't put up with it but im still gunna have to deal with it.

Like he has no car, no phone, no this no that and i know thats not my problem and im not gunna make it my problem.

HE has to deal with it..
im not giving him money so he can call me from a pay phone
im not buying him ciggaretts
im not waking up an hour early to drive across 3 towns to pick him up n bring him to work
im not rushing to his call when i get out of work or at all
im not paying to stay at a hotel with him

these are all things i used to do and i cant and i wont do it anymore he has to learn that im not doing things for him and that if he wants to talk to me or hangout with me or w/e he is going to have to put forth the effort get an F'in job or two, get money and support himself.

I just have this feeling that when i tell him how its going to be he is gunna freak out.. turn the story around and make me feel guilty.. i CANT let that happen but i dont no if im strong enough... I can say one thing though..knowing that i have this blog to come home to i know it is going to help ALOT.

I'm just fearing things...like...

him expecting me to go to him wherever he is when i get out of work and his reaction when i tell him I'm not or something..

i dont know i cant even get my thoughts out straight to make sense..

i just dont want to deal with the response i get from him when he finds out it's not going to be the same as it has been all the other times..

like i used to go to him everyday after work hang out..drive around waist gas go home late go to work n do it all over again..and thats jsut one more thing..gas..its not cheap and since he has been gone i havent been spending nearly as much money on it as i was b4. I know if he has a job he would give me money but that never seems to happen..it never gets that far..


idk i just need to stop worrying about things and let them happen.. I'm going to tell him what i want and what IM going to do THIS time and if he doesnt like it then oh well.. cuz i am not living my life the way i did b4...pretty much living outta my car, never going home..giving my dad the cold shoulder.. im not doing it again..

ugghhhh all i can say is I DON'T KNOW

i dont know how it is going to be when he gets out
i dont know how he will react to the change
i dont how I will react to it either...
i dont no how to feel right now..
i just dont know
so its better to not think about it so much and just let it happen

Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come

This song is GREAT!!

Thnx tjw for the help ;o)