"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children, and that's just the start...
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold...
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in your town...
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and even next door...
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under your own kitchen sink...
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should...
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, HEROIN you choice of test...
My power is awesome,, try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free...
Just try me once, and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your heart and soul...
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to, just to get high...
The crimes you'll commit for my Heroin charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms...
YOU'LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, STEAL FROM YOUR DAD,
WHEN YOU SEE THIER TEARS..YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD...
But you'll forget your morals, how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways...
I'll take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God and separate friends...
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side...
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and you'll be all alone...
I'll take and I'll take, until you have nothing more to give, and when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live...
If you try me be warned this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane...
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul and you'll be all mine...
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,the voices you'll hear from inside your head...
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me...
But then it's too late and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine and we will never part...
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, I didn't come to you...
You knew this would happen, you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold...
You could have said no, and walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say???
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave...
Now that you have met me, what will you do??? Will you keep me or not, it's all up to you...
I can bring you misery than words can tell, take my hand, and I will lead you to hell...!!!

sadness

im so upset right now
i need to write about whats been goin on but i just dont have the words yet.
hopefully soon.

Even Foamy has an oppinion

The truth hurts.

So not all my friends now about F's addiction and i keep it that way b/c not everyone needs to know. Also b/c I know how certain people will react and the things they would probably say and of course i wouldnt want to hear it so I opt not to tell them. Well i have this one friend, he is a pretty good friend i tell him alot, he did not know about F well up untill tonight. I didnt want to tel him b/c he is a very blunt, upfront and honest person. I pretty much knew how he would react but part of me thought maybe he would be understanding. I asked him before i began to tell him to please not judge me and he promised not too. Well this is how the convo went....



ME-He's an addict...
so our relationship has been really rough on me
HIM-are u serious
HIM- u kno better tho
ME-his drug of choice is heroin..
HIM-"love" or not
ME-'amongst other things
but thats the main one
HIM-c,mon alyssa
ME-please...dont pass judgments on me...
ME-there r enough people who have done that
HIM-u kno i wont
ME-ok
this is REALLY hard on me
esp right now
any way he has been in n out of jail and "programs" halfway house bullshit
HIM-thats love
ME-what?
HIM-jus bustin balls go ahead
ME-dont
HIM-so leave him that jus made ur mind up for you
ME- well its not that easy
HIM-y not
ME-cuz its just not it's sad...and its hard to see the person you love..turn into this monster and do awful things and lie to you and hurt everyone around them..and not be able to stop and to think that the only thing that may stop him is death
HIM-well i guess i say u make ur bed u lie in it
ME-yes.
HIM-if my best friend turned into a junkie piece of shit like ur bf id say fuk him
ME-its not like that tho...
not all people who use drugs are junkie and pieces of shit
HIM-ive dumped mad friends b4...a whole group of Friends cuz they were into drugs and i wasnt anymore fuk em
ME- its diff when its someone you love
HIM-he cant stay out of jail so he is a piece of shit
hes lyin to you so he is
HIM-this is not jeopardy he is a a jerk off and u love him
look ur with a loser and im ur friend so i care about u he is trash
ME-u dont even no him
HIM-i dont need to
he is a junkie
thats all i need dont be an idiot
ME-im not an idiot..
HIM-if u stay with him and eventually rot u are an idiot
ull come to ur senses
stay with him and ull be jus like him
HIM-i care about you and i kno ur hurtin but hes a junkie and def not the last boy...or man in the world let him grow up on his own
ME-ok i no this..and its easy for u too say these things...but ive been though alot with him..ive learned alot ive seen alot..and this is not an easy thing to accept
HIM-drop him and let him take his own life and destroy it not urs and everyone elses too
ME-im at that point
HIM-hes a loser and stop carin about him...fuk that lifestyle
ME-i cant just stop caring about sumone..esp when i no they are hurting...putting all the shity stuff he has done aside he is still a human and in pain he had an awful childhood and chose drugs to take away the pain and became addicted..its not an easy thing to over come
and if u do overcome it your lucky
HIM-like i say u will realize the truth soon and i wont be such an asshole

So should i have listened to my self and not told him or are these things i need to hear?
I didn't expect him to be all "poor me" and shit but geez have a little compassion. Thats the exact reason why i don't tell people b/c the last thing i need is to be called an idiot and to hear someone call him names , even if some of them are true i still dont wanna hear it this is hard enough. I hear what he's saying and i know he didnt say those things to hurt me but it does hurt.. Is he really a junkie?am i blinded by love?

To tell the truth if i didnt no what i do about addiction i would probably respond in a similar way. The truth really does hurt but is what he said the truth?... or is he just someone on the outside looking in knowing only the bad stuff...

I know i can not be with him right now maybe i will never be able to be with him but to be told by a friend to just stop caring and that he is a junkie..is just a hard thing to hear and that J word sure is strong but is that really what he is? Am i just too hopefully to admit that to my self.

I guess only time can tell
but i defiantly regret telling my friend cuz now im upset with him. But i shouldn't be b/c i know he only cares i just wish he wasn't so harsh....

Safe and sound

I survived the plane ride, or should i say plane rideS. You can never get a direct flight to NM. Oops secrets out, NM as in New Mexico. We stopped in Georgia the layover was 3 hours and most of it was spent running back n forth threw the airport cuz they kept changing the gate, that was seriously annoying. Not to mention i feel like shit and the pressure in the airplane did not help, it was awful actually. Thank god for NyQuil!

So today is day one of my new diet and the start to a new me! I'm hoping to get a lot accomplished in the two weeks I'll be here.

I just hope that for once i can concentrate on myself and not worry about anything else. I think it may be hard tho...I'll explain in the next post

Bye for now!

P.S I took that pic with my phone from the airplane. I love those clouds!

quickie

boy do i have things to write about.
I don't have enough time right now my flight leaves at 12 noon.
We are having a car pick us up at the house how fancy lol.
by us i mean me and my mom... Yea she stayed at my house which is pretty strange
well being as i dont live alone.. i live with my father (her ex hubby) and his new girlfriend. Kinda twisted but w/e it could be worse they could all hate eachother.

I'm fuckin sick...i feel like shit and i have to travel ughhh thank god i have nyquil so i can be all doped up on the plane (prob could have found a better word but o well)

time to finish packing.......expect a long ass blog when i get there.

Where is the OFF button i can't find it

I think the hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I am in love with an addict and that there is nothing I can do but let go. It's hard to think to my self wow.. I am in love with someone who steals people belongings and money only to turn around and buy drugs. I am in love with someone who lies out of his ass. I am in love with someone who i can't trust. I am in love with someone i truly don't even know. I am in love with an addict.

It's so hard to say those words and see them written down. Love doesnt have a button, you can't just turn it off. I hate that i love him so much, but do i even no why i love him. He has nothing to offer me at this point in his life. Is is really possible to love someone just from getting the smallest glimpse of who they really are, cuz thats just about all i've gotten.

I have to accept that he is this way and has this "disease". It's just hard to let go when you love and care about someone and you just want to have them and hold them forver and you want them to be safe and to just STOP. It's sad its painfully sad..

It's hard for me to sit here and think....

i just think how can he turn into such a monster, doing the things he does... how can he lie right to everyone's face. I just want to no how? why? is it really the addiction or is that him.

I am hurting so bad right now just knowing that i have to accepts things that i cannot ever change. I am hurting knowing that for once in my life i was truly in love with someone and it wasnt what i thought it was. I am hurting knowing that i continued to go out of my way for this person to help them have a better life all the while getting lied to.

I am hurting because i still love this person and i wish those feelings would just go away.

The sadness i feel right now is more tremendous then ever before because i realize i have to let him go.