New

I decided to change my email address which was also my name on here. I changed it to addictedtono1@yahoo.com So i am now Addicted to no one.I just felt it was time for a change.I began to hate seeing or typing additced to my addict.I once was..when i was devoted to F 100% and did all the crazy things i did for him.But at this point in my life I don't want to be "addicted" to anything or anyone.


ahhh i feel much better!

I noticed something...

I'm not a bitch, I'm not mean and nasty. I think im pretty nice, sometimes too nice for my own good. I realized that being with someone who has a habbit I ABSO-fucking-Lutly can't stand makes me that other person. I turn into "that" girl friend. You know the one who bitches and nags and is mean. That's not me, not even close. But when you're in a sertain situation it can make you behave badly.

When he is clean and doing all the right things (well at least some of them) I'm happy, I'm nice, I'm loving, I'm me. But once i get it in my head that he may be using again go-go gadget attack mode.

I realized this the other day when i cought my self being mean to F, just being a bitch. I sat back and I saw what was happening to me, I'm becoming this horrible person. It's almost as if im being this way towards him because i have so much built up anger and recentment towards him. Whatever the reason it's not right or healthy for either of us and i don't like it one bit.

I think realizing this couldnt have come at a better time. I'm taking this mini Vacation for 2 weeks and im really going to think about things and just soak in the time alone.

any advice?

Change of plans

Well my mom came up with an idea and i liked it so im changing plans a little.
As i mentioned in the post below she is coming her for business, will be going back home on Dec. 9th. and returning back here with my step dad for xmas on the 21rst of Dec.

Her idea is for me to go back with her when she leaves on the 9th stay for the two weeks until they fly back on the 21rst. This will give me a chance to feel it out and make sure i will be comfortable there. There is a huuuuge difference between the east and west coast. Well from where i live to where she lives anyway.

I'm ALOT more comfortable with this idea. I was beginning to panic b/c it was getting SO close to the date id be "moving" I wanted to give more time at work, i needed time to pack and to see all my friends before i went. I was just feeling way too rushed into making a decision and all the things id have to do in such a short period of time. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders now. It's never good to make a decision like that when you are feeling under pressure. I love my mommy ..She's so smart ;o)

I'm leavin on a jet plane dont know when I'll be back again...

You know how sometimes you just wish you could drop everything and run away for a little while? Well i sure as hell know i do and i think i might. Except I'm not quite "running" away from things it will be more of an "extended vacation" (humor me)

My mom lives about 2,500 miles away I'm on the east coast she's on the west. I have the opportunity to go stay with her for a few months. I can go there get serious about getting in shape and getting my self esteem back and just kinda get away from "things" for a little while to clear my head with no distractions. I'll get a job, spend tons of time on art projects I've been wantings to start and finish, I'll work out everyday and start feeling better about myself. I KNOW i can accomplish all these goals while I'm there I've done it before. (about two years ago i stayed with her for 6 months)

I don't really have anything great going on here. I have a pretty damn good job and I'll be sad to leave, although i don't own the store i treat it as if it's mine and i don't really want anyone else "messing" with it. So that will be tough but I'll get over it. I might even see if there is someway i can still be part of the business while I'm gone.

When it comes to F ya i love him but not like i once did. I don't think i even know the real him. It's hard to end relationships, and this one is one unlike any others i have been in. It is the longest and the only one where love and family was really involved. I've delt with things I NEVER in million years thought I'd have to deal with (then again who imagines falling in love with a heroin addict) I've fought hard to keep it strong and going. I've put ALOT of time and alot of my heart into it. I feel that im just going to keep hurting if i don't make a drastic change. This is ALL still new to me like I said things Ive never delt with before. Things you cant imagine untill your in the situation and the only way you can know is through experience. I've been strong..getting weak sometimes but pulling through it and I can't do it anymore.

I've REALLY been thinking about this ALOT lately. Part of me is really excited to go excited to start changing for the better. Part of me is worrying that I'll hate it (she moved to a diff area more in the mountains and in a very small town) I know i can come back and if i don't like it that much ill just have to deal with it for the time. It would be worth it anyway just to get myself back.

Now I haven't made my mind up 100% yet but if i decide to go i have a few options. My mom is coming over this way for business in about 2 1/2 weeks. She wants me to bring my car so one option would be to drive back there with her around Dec 9th when she goes home. IF i do that she is also planning to come back for Christmas. Id have to fork up about $200.00 for the plane ticket to come back here with them. If i wait and just go when they go back home AFTER Christmas that will be another 6 weeks I'd have to stay here. I really don't want to waist 6 more weeks.. I can accomplish ALOT over there in 6 weeks and once i make my mind up I'm not going to want to wait. So i think id rather just pay the $200.00 and go sooner then later.

I just think getting away for a while may be what i need right now. Apparently I don't have the strength to do somethings on my own right now, and maybe i just need a little help. I know i need help and im not getting it here. I also miss the old lady and I've seen ALOT and been through even more over the past 2 years and realized just how short life really is.

decisions.. decisions...

I'm a cunt now

b/c i called him out on being high

I can't take it anymore...

I think the main problem is that he doesnt understand what it's like to be on the other side of this whole mess. He doesnt really know what it's like for "us". He ALWAYS tells me im living in the past and to "get over it" and stop bringing things up, but it's alot harder then he thinks. For example...yesterday.
He is painting his sister walls inside the house so he was there yest. Well i called and his sister answerd and said she had no idea where he was, it was as if he just went the bathroom or something, front door unlocked, shed unlocked, paint on the floor,no note nothing. He doesnt have a cell phone (well now he does but ill get to that later) so no one had anyway of reaching him. Automaticlly i went in panic mode once he wasnt back in like 10 minutes.. so obviously he didnt just go across the street to 711 or anything. So anyway his mom called me she was pretty frantic wondering why he left, where he went and why he left everything open. So a few mintues later his sister called me and told me that he is back and that he went to get lunch. So im a little annoyed that he didnt call me,,ya no.. why did his sister call me to tell me that,, idk but thats a tiny tiny part of this all... so he gets on the phone and i said something along the lines of "what is wrong with you?" and he replies with "I'm not fucking doing this im going bye" and he hangs up. So i just stood there like wtf. Now maybe i shouldnt have said that, i prob should have just let him explain. so admitt that was the wrong way of approaching it but sometimes esp when i was paniking before its hard for me to be calm..( i need to work on this i know) so anyway i called back..or did he.. i dont remember but when he called back he was trying to explain he told me he went out to lunch with a friend and he was a little calmer and i just told him i was worried..we all were. i just told him that maybe next time at least a note or something that would prevent this from happening.. i dont expect him to check in with every move he makes for chirsts sake but knowing the circumstances and knowing he had no cell phone.. it would be nice if it seemed like he cared about anyone elses feeling but his own...

oh while dealing with him being M.I.A i had a little ordeal at work..An older man had a heart attack i think and died.. so i was all frantic about that..finding a dead guy on the floor isnt exactlly my cup of tea. so i was dealing with all the questions from the detectives and these people in and out and i was a lil shookin up from seeing that. So thats why i was calling him to tell him about that. So i was goin nuts dealing with all these things at once.

oh also..something that made me a lil sceptical..was his voice... you know.. that scratchy, groggy, slow speach with the occasional 1/2 fake cough sounding thing. So with that..it made it kinda hard to think straight..i didn't dare ask anyquesitons b/c i didnt want to accuse him and i knew if he had doens somthign he wouldnt tell me anyway.

He proceeds to tell me he bought a cell phone with the $40.00 his brother in law gave him yest. Now keep in mind.. he has a pre-paid phone..it has no minutes.. but they make these things called PHONE CARDS. Well as soon as he said he bought a phone i wanted to explode and scream at him .. but i tried to keep my cool as long as i could.

I was mad he bough it b/c, He has a phone, thats all the money he's got to his name...literally, He owes TWO towns money and if he doesnt pay them they will put out a warrent.. so instead of taking that money and paying $5.00 to each,Ya know showing some kind of reasponsibility he goes out and buys a friggin phone. He complains he needs shoes and that he has no money for ciggs or to take a bus to find a JOB and he gets money and he blows it!!! He did the last time he got a little money also.

Yes it is his money, it's his life he can do what he wants and if he doesnt pay his fines n ends up back in jail it's on him. But it's just hard when he is supposed to be "proving" him self to..himself mainly and he isnt doing anything to do so.
I try so hard not to come like im his mom or w/e believe me thats the last things i want. but he is just so damn thick headed and never seems to get it.

We just CAN'T communicate.. i try VERY hard to be in his shoes and i feel for him i really really do but it seems he cant do that.. and all he ever has to say is "you need to get over it" Im SO sick of hearing those words he doesnt realize i am scard from some of the things he has done and it takes a long time to get over somethings. I dont no if he will ever see this. He just cant deal with the damage he has caused.. and be here for me when i need the support..but yet i was always there for him and gave him my all.. and he can't do the same...

Also lately..we have been breaking up everyother day it seems..or at least every weekend.. how fking highschool is that?
When something doesnt go his way or if we are arguing he will just say things like "i think our relationship is over" Did i EVER say shit like that when you pulled all your crazy stunts. He did it yest. with the whole phone thing and him missing. and quite frankly im just like OK then.. cuz im not gunna feed into that bull shit.

Maybe i should just face the facts that this isnt going to work..not right now anyway, Maybe we do need to go our seperate ways and see what happens after that. I cant stand by and watch him go down the same path he went down all the other times. I can stand and watch him continue to be irreasponsible. I can't be broken up with every friggin week cuz he doesnt no how to deal with life. I cant do it. i dont need that stress.

I need some insight, I think i know what to do and that is to just not be with him right now. I dont think im in the right state of mind for a boyfriend right now anyway, im too unhappy with my self and i think if i work on me i can have a clear mind.

i dunno help me O wise ones pleeeease

i thought it was time for an update

I'm not really sure why i havent been writting so much.. i guess b/c nothing exciting has really happend same ol' shit.

But to update..
I've been goin to the gym and spending time with my friends.
He's been going to meetings...from what i hear..... (there i go again doubting him, will it ever
stop?)
He still hasn't found a job.. i mean c'mon he's been out now for almost a month ...
he has done some work with friends n shit but enough he needs to get a job like everyone else
i wish i knew what his problem was.. he's not lazy and he's hardworking..when he works.
i hope he's not falling again

Our relationship has changed so much from the way it was in the beginning.
I feel like we are drifting apart, like im unhappy most of the time
and this has nothing to do with the drugs like it did before
I feel like i come second to..alot
i know his recovery comes first but like he will offer to help people out with w.e it is they need help with on a day when we are supposed to spend together.
I think its great that he wants to help people but it would be nice if i could have his un-divided attention for once...like i used to

I feel like im not getting the things i need from him
The things i used to look for in a boyfriend
from sexual things to the little things boyfriends do
things i USED to get from him
but not anymore
I'm left feeling unsatisfied most of the time

We have been fighting so much its insane
and the sick thing is that we only see each other like twice a week usually on the weekend
wouldn't you think after not seeing one another for a several days you'd be excited to them...
well i don't get that from him...
and he's been finding someway each time we are finally together to be a dick and fuck it up
which usually results in me leaving.
I'm not putting up with his shit
and im not gunna sit there and allow him to be a dick to me

i just don't no what his problem is.
he needs to get over himself and stop thinking that everyone thinks he ows them something...
he needs to start showing he is grateful for all things he has been given.
and you no what he does owe me something.. he owes me the respect i deserve and to be ther for me how i was for him.

ughhh!!! i dont no its soooo aggravating.. i dont no what to do
i dont have it in me to keep trying to make this work esp if it doesnt seem he is trying
i often feel like i dont even no him when he acts certain ways..
i dont no if the reasons i have are reasons to leave him
or if thats what i want

im so confused and hurt at the same time b/c ive invested SO much into this relationship
I've learned things from him ive gotten closer to my family from him he has shown me alot im a part of his family...it was all so perfect everything i wanted and now it seems its not there anymore..and like i said i dont no if i want it there..

I'm also having alot of issues with myself..
im not happy with myself
there used to be things i liked about my self
and now it seems i cant find one damn things.
and i feel like that is holding me back from alot
my self esteem or lack there of is holding me back from doing what I truly want
does that sound ridiculous? i dont know
but it is...
I feel like.. if i was content with who i am.. then i wouldn't hold onto certain things..
id be able to live more for myself then other people.
Its so bad to let that get in the way but it is
and im taking steps in the right direction
im going to the gym..i think once i start to see come progress things will just start getting better and better....

i dont no i just wonder if this is just a phase
or if its just gunna keep down hill from here
i mean i no he lives with his moms.. so somethngs are limited and stuff like that
and he has no car yada yada yada
but is this shit ever gunna change....
i dont no if i want to wait and find out..