long time no see

I've been really behind on my writting. It's hard when I think of everything so i try not to and reading everyones entries doesnt help much either. I'm trying to move on and it's hard enough when i still talk to F's mom on occasion (i kinda feel obligated to) Also getting letters from him doesnt help either. So i guess thats why I've been so distant from the blog. It's weird cuz it used to help me so much and now i just dont even want to think about things having anything to do with F or what he did or does or w/e. I don't know i just felt i needed to write something...

It's weird too b.c this isnt as hard as i thought it might be, which is good but i guess i have my days.

Good news!

Got some blood work done and im fine!!!!! I'm SO happy everything came back negative. What a HUGE scare this was for me. Looking back i can't believe how nieve i was. Boy did i learn my lesson!!

Friends

I just need to vent about friendships.

I had this friend who was one of the VERY few i could tell things too. I told this person everything from very personal things to every day things. This was someone unlike any of my other friends, I confided in this person, I had a very deep connection with this person. The feelings were mutual and it was a very rare thing for me to have such a close connection with someone. This person helped me through some very rough times and if it wasnt for them i dont think i would have gotten out of it all ok. Well things have changed I'm not sure why, but i really feel like i lost my best friend.

Right now im going through something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I breifly wrote about in my previous blog and i dont want to get into further detail about it just yet. I could possibly be facing that "worst case scenerio". Now is a time when i need support and the one person who i would have confided deeply in is not there for me. I don't even no why im very confused, i feel like in a matter of about a month or so ive lost all communication with them and i dont really know them anymore. I dont know.. im really hurt. Like i said i feel like i lost my bestfriend and it fukin sucks, i feel like i have no one to turn to and i really need it right now.
It's just confusing, everyone is different and thinks differently and deals with things differently and i understand that i just thought this person was different. Maybe they are the same i don't know...... I don't know where or who to turn to and it's the worst most alone feeling ever....

what to do...

so to say im angry is an understatement. Apparently F wrote me a letter and sent it to my house which pisses me off to begin with. What pisses me off more is that my younger brother took it upon him self to intercept the letter and hide it from me. I found out about it b/c his g/f told me she heard my brother n my father arguing about a letter from F to me. SO i confronted my dad n brother and they both lied about it. I Finally got it outta my dad and after a few harsh words from my brother he handed over the letter to me. The letter pretty much said how he would die with out me and doesnt want to live life if im not with him. At the end of the letter he mentioned that he got blood work done at the jail and the results were not good at all and that we needed to talk about that. Now i dont no if he is being his usual self and saying that to get me to worry so much that i break down and go see him or talk to him, or if he is serious. The thought makes me so sick to my stomach. I dont know what to do. I think i should go get tested again to be safe and if it comes out fine then i have nothing to worry about. I cant worry about him and i cant let what he is saying about wanting to kill him self upset me. I just can't deal with this shit anymore i want it all to be over.

you fool

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke,
have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Now they call you Prince Charming
Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes
Say you'll be all right come tomorrow
But tomorrow might not be here for you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Hey, you're a fool you Stick them needles in your arm I know I been there before
One little problem that confronts you
Got a monkey on your back
Just one more fix, Lord might do the trick
One hell of a price for you to get your kicks
The smell of death surrounds you

New years

So I brought the New Year in with friends. Some of which i totally pushed to the side while i was with F. What i did was wrong in every way possible. I mean these people were good friends. I wouldn't have blamed any of them for not wanting to be my friend after that. But they welcomed me back and it was as if I had never left the "group". Those are true friends.

I had a good time but of course I often had that image of the man i "love-d?" wearing an orange jump suit sitting in the corner of a cold jail cell. Even though those images came and went i didn't let that ruin the night and i was OK with that. I'm alot more "ok" then i thought i would be. After ever thing i've been through im raw now... I feel like i have no emotions towards what has happend AGAIN. I can't cry about it, I'm all out of tears. I think im just OK. I know that things will get better and as time goes on i'll be more and more OK. I mean i get sad at times and i think about it more sometimes then others but i think thats normal. I think I'm most sad for him. It's a little hard to say that but i am. When it comes down to it even after all the awfull things he has done i am still sad for him. It's like reading a sad book and you feel like you know the person and by the time youre done reading it and its all over you are kind of left with this empty feeling in your gut. I dont know maybe it's just me I'm very empathetic as you can tell. Maybe thats why i care so much... too much.

My friends mom did a tea reading on me about a week ago and she said that in the bottom of the cup there was a face, just two eyes and a mean frown for the face, she told me that this was the face of a "mean" man in my life and he was the center of my cup....my life. She said I am running in all kinds of directions and i often start things but don't finish them and that it's time to do so. She also said that this person is whats holding me back in life. I knew right away who she was talking about and it's true. He was the center of my life for so long everything i did or didnt do revolved around him and it's time to let it go.

It's time to start living my life and accomplishing things. I HAVE to do this or i will be stuck in this rut for a long time. I need to see what i want and just do it. No more giving up. I've let so many things pass me by b/c of that and i can't do it anymore, I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained now and it's hard.

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children, and that's just the start...
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold...
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in your town...
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and even next door...
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under your own kitchen sink...
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should...
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, HEROIN you choice of test...
My power is awesome,, try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free...
Just try me once, and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your heart and soul...
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to, just to get high...
The crimes you'll commit for my Heroin charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms...
YOU'LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, STEAL FROM YOUR DAD,
WHEN YOU SEE THIER TEARS..YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD...
But you'll forget your morals, how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways...
I'll take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God and separate friends...
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side...
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and you'll be all alone...
I'll take and I'll take, until you have nothing more to give, and when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live...
If you try me be warned this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane...
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul and you'll be all mine...
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,the voices you'll hear from inside your head...
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me...
But then it's too late and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine and we will never part...
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, I didn't come to you...
You knew this would happen, you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold...
You could have said no, and walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say???
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave...
Now that you have met me, what will you do??? Will you keep me or not, it's all up to you...
I can bring you misery than words can tell, take my hand, and I will lead you to hell...!!!