Looooooooong time no see

Ya it's been a WHILE to say the least. Not much to write about anymore regarding F that is and to be honest I don't want to write about him anymore. He's STILL in jail.. been there since Dec 6th.. i heard from his mother that he could be looking at 10 years.. but who knows. Needless to say me and him are no longer and have been pretty much since the day he got taken away from me for the last time. I've moved on greatly, though it was hard, I did it. I had to.
Anyway.... Just signed on don't know why really but... If anyone cared I'm still kickin.
I guess thats all for now.. I don't know when I'll write again, as this blog was for when i was going through F stuff...
We'll see

I hate you

I hate you
I hate you for loving me.. no matter what
I hate you for taking me as I am
I hate you for making me feel special and
I hate you for treating me like gold
I hate you for making me smile and laugh
I hate you for being my best friend and lover
I hate you for becoming a part of my family and
I hate you for making me a part of yours
I hate you for showing me how much you love them and
I hate you for making me fall in love with them
I hate you for the late night talks and walks on the beach
I hate you for making love to me and
I hate you for putting your strong arms around me and holding me all night long
I hate you for making me feel better when I was sick
I hate you for making me appreciate things more
I hate you for being such a big part of my life
I hate you for showing me two sides of you
I hate you for all the long nights alone
I hate you for all the pain in my heart
I hate you for the day to day hurt you put me through and
I hate you for the tears you made me cry
I hate you for the lies and dishonor
I hate you for filling your veins with death
I hate you for feeling the need to compensate life with a substance so evil
I hate you for slowly killing yourself
I hate you for loving heroin more then yourself…

long time no see

I've been really behind on my writting. It's hard when I think of everything so i try not to and reading everyones entries doesnt help much either. I'm trying to move on and it's hard enough when i still talk to F's mom on occasion (i kinda feel obligated to) Also getting letters from him doesnt help either. So i guess thats why I've been so distant from the blog. It's weird cuz it used to help me so much and now i just dont even want to think about things having anything to do with F or what he did or does or w/e. I don't know i just felt i needed to write something...

It's weird too b.c this isnt as hard as i thought it might be, which is good but i guess i have my days.

Good news!

Got some blood work done and im fine!!!!! I'm SO happy everything came back negative. What a HUGE scare this was for me. Looking back i can't believe how nieve i was. Boy did i learn my lesson!!

Friends

I just need to vent about friendships.

I had this friend who was one of the VERY few i could tell things too. I told this person everything from very personal things to every day things. This was someone unlike any of my other friends, I confided in this person, I had a very deep connection with this person. The feelings were mutual and it was a very rare thing for me to have such a close connection with someone. This person helped me through some very rough times and if it wasnt for them i dont think i would have gotten out of it all ok. Well things have changed I'm not sure why, but i really feel like i lost my best friend.

Right now im going through something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I breifly wrote about in my previous blog and i dont want to get into further detail about it just yet. I could possibly be facing that "worst case scenerio". Now is a time when i need support and the one person who i would have confided deeply in is not there for me. I don't even no why im very confused, i feel like in a matter of about a month or so ive lost all communication with them and i dont really know them anymore. I dont know.. im really hurt. Like i said i feel like i lost my bestfriend and it fukin sucks, i feel like i have no one to turn to and i really need it right now.
It's just confusing, everyone is different and thinks differently and deals with things differently and i understand that i just thought this person was different. Maybe they are the same i don't know...... I don't know where or who to turn to and it's the worst most alone feeling ever....

what to do...

so to say im angry is an understatement. Apparently F wrote me a letter and sent it to my house which pisses me off to begin with. What pisses me off more is that my younger brother took it upon him self to intercept the letter and hide it from me. I found out about it b/c his g/f told me she heard my brother n my father arguing about a letter from F to me. SO i confronted my dad n brother and they both lied about it. I Finally got it outta my dad and after a few harsh words from my brother he handed over the letter to me. The letter pretty much said how he would die with out me and doesnt want to live life if im not with him. At the end of the letter he mentioned that he got blood work done at the jail and the results were not good at all and that we needed to talk about that. Now i dont no if he is being his usual self and saying that to get me to worry so much that i break down and go see him or talk to him, or if he is serious. The thought makes me so sick to my stomach. I dont know what to do. I think i should go get tested again to be safe and if it comes out fine then i have nothing to worry about. I cant worry about him and i cant let what he is saying about wanting to kill him self upset me. I just can't deal with this shit anymore i want it all to be over.

you fool

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke,
have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Now they call you Prince Charming
Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes
Say you'll be all right come tomorrow
But tomorrow might not be here for you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Hey, you're a fool you Stick them needles in your arm I know I been there before
One little problem that confronts you
Got a monkey on your back
Just one more fix, Lord might do the trick
One hell of a price for you to get your kicks
The smell of death surrounds you