MissUnderstandings

Looooooooong time no see

2008-08-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

Ya it's been a WHILE to say the least. Not much to write about anymore regarding F that is and to be honest I don't want to write about him anymore. He's STILL in jail.. been there since Dec 6th.. i heard from his mother that he could be looking at 10 years.. but who knows. Needless to say me and him are no longer and have been pretty much since the day he got taken away from me for the last time. I've moved on greatly, though it was hard, I did it. I had to.
Anyway.... Just signed on don't know why really but... If anyone cared I'm still kickin.
I guess thats all for now.. I don't know when I'll write again, as this blog was for when i was going through F stuff...
We'll see

I hate you

2008-04-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

I hate you
I hate you for loving me.. no matter what
I hate you for taking me as I am
I hate you for making me feel special and
I hate you for treating me like gold
I hate you for making me smile and laugh
I hate you for being my best friend and lover
I hate you for becoming a part of my family and
I hate you for making me a part of yours
I hate you for showing me how much you love them and
I hate you for making me fall in love with them
I hate you for the late night talks and walks on the beach
I hate you for making love to me and
I hate you for putting your strong arms around me and holding me all night long
I hate you for making me feel better when I was sick
I hate you for making me appreciate things more
I hate you for being such a big part of my life
I hate you for showing me two sides of you
I hate you for all the long nights alone
I hate you for all the pain in my heart
I hate you for the day to day hurt you put me through and
I hate you for the tears you made me cry
I hate you for the lies and dishonor
I hate you for filling your veins with death
I hate you for feeling the need to compensate life with a substance so evil
I hate you for slowly killing yourself
I hate you for loving heroin more then yourself…

long time no see

2008-02-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

I've been really behind on my writting. It's hard when I think of everything so i try not to and reading everyones entries doesnt help much either. I'm trying to move on and it's hard enough when i still talk to F's mom on occasion (i kinda feel obligated to) Also getting letters from him doesnt help either. So i guess thats why I've been so distant from the blog. It's weird cuz it used to help me so much and now i just dont even want to think about things having anything to do with F or what he did or does or w/e. I don't know i just felt i needed to write something...

It's weird too b.c this isnt as hard as i thought it might be, which is good but i guess i have my days.

Good news!

2008-01-31T08:33:00.000-08:00

Got some blood work done and im fine!!!!! I'm SO happy everything came back negative. What a HUGE scare this was for me. Looking back i can't believe how nieve i was. Boy did i learn my lesson!!

Friends

2008-01-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

I just need to vent about friendships.

I had this friend who was one of the VERY few i could tell things too. I told this person everything from very personal things to every day things. This was someone unlike any of my other friends, I confided in this person, I had a very deep connection with this person. The feelings were mutual and it was a very rare thing for me to have such a close connection with someone. This person helped me through some very rough times and if it wasnt for them i dont think i would have gotten out of it all ok. Well things have changed I'm not sure why, but i really feel like i lost my best friend.

Right now im going through something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I breifly wrote about in my previous blog and i dont want to get into further detail about it just yet. I could possibly be facing that "worst case scenerio". Now is a time when i need support and the one person who i would have confided deeply in is not there for me. I don't even no why im very confused, i feel like in a matter of about a month or so ive lost all communication with them and i dont really know them anymore. I dont know.. im really hurt. Like i said i feel like i lost my bestfriend and it fukin sucks, i feel like i have no one to turn to and i really need it right now.
It's just confusing, everyone is different and thinks differently and deals with things differently and i understand that i just thought this person was different. Maybe they are the same i don't know...... I don't know where or who to turn to and it's the worst most alone feeling ever....

what to do...

2008-01-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

so to say im angry is an understatement. Apparently F wrote me a letter and sent it to my house which pisses me off to begin with. What pisses me off more is that my younger brother took it upon him self to intercept the letter and hide it from me. I found out about it b/c his g/f told me she heard my brother n my father arguing about a letter from F to me. SO i confronted my dad n brother and they both lied about it. I Finally got it outta my dad and after a few harsh words from my brother he handed over the letter to me. The letter pretty much said how he would die with out me and doesnt want to live life if im not with him. At the end of the letter he mentioned that he got blood work done at the jail and the results were not good at all and that we needed to talk about that. Now i dont no if he is being his usual self and saying that to get me to worry so much that i break down and go see him or talk to him, or if he is serious. The thought makes me so sick to my stomach. I dont know what to do. I think i should go get tested again to be safe and if it comes out fine then i have nothing to worry about. I cant worry about him and i cant let what he is saying about wanting to kill him self upset me. I just can't deal with this shit anymore i want it all to be over.

you fool

2008-01-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke,
have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Now they call you Prince Charming
Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes
Say you'll be all right come tomorrow
But tomorrow might not be here for you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Hey, you're a fool you Stick them needles in your arm I know I been there before
One little problem that confronts you
Got a monkey on your back
Just one more fix, Lord might do the trick
One hell of a price for you to get your kicks
The smell of death surrounds you

New years

2008-01-04T06:28:00.000-08:00

So I brought the New Year in with friends. Some of which i totally pushed to the side while i was with F. What i did was wrong in every way possible. I mean these people were good friends. I wouldn't have blamed any of them for not wanting to be my friend after that. But they welcomed me back and it was as if I had never left the "group". Those are true friends.

I had a good time but of course I often had that image of the man i "love-d?" wearing an orange jump suit sitting in the corner of a cold jail cell. Even though those images came and went i didn't let that ruin the night and i was OK with that. I'm alot more "ok" then i thought i would be. After ever thing i've been through im raw now... I feel like i have no emotions towards what has happend AGAIN. I can't cry about it, I'm all out of tears. I think im just OK. I know that things will get better and as time goes on i'll be more and more OK. I mean i get sad at times and i think about it more sometimes then others but i think thats normal. I think I'm most sad for him. It's a little hard to say that but i am. When it comes down to it even after all the awfull things he has done i am still sad for him. It's like reading a sad book and you feel like you know the person and by the time youre done reading it and its all over you are kind of left with this empty feeling in your gut. I dont know maybe it's just me I'm very empathetic as you can tell. Maybe thats why i care so much... too much.

My friends mom did a tea reading on me about a week ago and she said that in the bottom of the cup there was a face, just two eyes and a mean frown for the face, she told me that this was the face of a "mean" man in my life and he was the center of my cup....my life. She said I am running in all kinds of directions and i often start things but don't finish them and that it's time to do so. She also said that this person is whats holding me back in life. I knew right away who she was talking about and it's true. He was the center of my life for so long everything i did or didnt do revolved around him and it's time to let it go.

It's time to start living my life and accomplishing things. I HAVE to do this or i will be stuck in this rut for a long time. I need to see what i want and just do it. No more giving up. I've let so many things pass me by b/c of that and i can't do it anymore, I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained now and it's hard.

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

2007-12-29T07:38:00.000-08:00

"To Addicts Who Won't Listen"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart, I take your children, and that's just the start...
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold...
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in your town...
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and even next door...
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under your own kitchen sink...
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, if this scares you to death, well it certainly should...
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, HEROIN you choice of test...
My power is awesome,, try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free...
Just try me once, and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your heart and soul...
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you do what you have to, just to get high...
The crimes you'll commit for my Heroin charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms...
YOU'LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, STEAL FROM YOUR DAD,
WHEN YOU SEE THIER TEARS..YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD...
But you'll forget your morals, how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways...
I'll take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God and separate friends...
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side...
You'll give up everything, your family, your home, your friends, your money, and you'll be all alone...
I'll take and I'll take, until you have nothing more to give, and when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live...
If you try me be warned this is no game, if given the chance I'll drive you insane...
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul and you'll be all mine...
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,the voices you'll hear from inside your head...
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me...
But then it's too late and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine and we will never part...
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, I didn't come to you...
You knew this would happen, you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold...
You could have said no, and walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say???
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave...
Now that you have met me, what will you do??? Will you keep me or not, it's all up to you...
I can bring you misery than words can tell, take my hand, and I will lead you to hell...!!!

sadness

2007-12-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

im so upset right now
i need to write about whats been goin on but i just dont have the words yet.
hopefully soon.

Even Foamy has an oppinion

2007-12-12T19:59:00.001-08:00

The truth hurts.

2007-12-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

So not all my friends now about F's addiction and i keep it that way b/c not everyone needs to know. Also b/c I know how certain people will react and the things they would probably say and of course i wouldnt want to hear it so I opt not to tell them. Well i have this one friend, he is a pretty good friend i tell him alot, he did not know about F well up untill tonight. I didnt want to tel him b/c he is a very blunt, upfront and honest person. I pretty much knew how he would react but part of me thought maybe he would be understanding. I asked him before i began to tell him to please not judge me and he promised not too. Well this is how the convo went....

ME-He's an addict...
so our relationship has been really rough on me
HIM-are u serious
HIM- u kno better tho
ME-his drug of choice is heroin..
HIM-"love" or not
ME-'amongst other things
but thats the main one
HIM-c,mon alyssa
ME-please...dont pass judgments on me...
ME-there r enough people who have done that
HIM-u kno i wont
ME-ok
this is REALLY hard on me
esp right now
any way he has been in n out of jail and "programs" halfway house bullshit
HIM-thats love
ME-what?
HIM-jus bustin balls go ahead
ME-dont
HIM-so leave him that jus made ur mind up for you
ME- well its not that easy
HIM-y not
ME-cuz its just not it's sad...and its hard to see the person you love..turn into this monster and do awful things and lie to you and hurt everyone around them..and not be able to stop and to think that the only thing that may stop him is death
HIM-well i guess i say u make ur bed u lie in it
ME-yes.
HIM-if my best friend turned into a junkie piece of shit like ur bf id say fuk him
ME-its not like that tho...
not all people who use drugs are junkie and pieces of shit
HIM-ive dumped mad friends b4...a whole group of Friends cuz they were into drugs and i wasnt anymore fuk em
ME- its diff when its someone you love
HIM-he cant stay out of jail so he is a piece of shit
hes lyin to you so he is
HIM-this is not jeopardy he is a a jerk off and u love him
look ur with a loser and im ur friend so i care about u he is trash
ME-u dont even no him
HIM-i dont need to
he is a junkie
thats all i need dont be an idiot
ME-im not an idiot..
HIM-if u stay with him and eventually rot u are an idiot
ull come to ur senses
stay with him and ull be jus like him
HIM-i care about you and i kno ur hurtin but hes a junkie and def not the last boy...or man in the world let him grow up on his own
ME-ok i no this..and its easy for u too say these things...but ive been though alot with him..ive learned alot ive seen alot..and this is not an easy thing to accept
HIM-drop him and let him take his own life and destroy it not urs and everyone elses too
ME-im at that point
HIM-hes a loser and stop carin about him...fuk that lifestyle
ME-i cant just stop caring about sumone..esp when i no they are hurting...putting all the shity stuff he has done aside he is still a human and in pain he had an awful childhood and chose drugs to take away the pain and became addicted..its not an easy thing to over come
and if u do overcome it your lucky
HIM-like i say u will realize the truth soon and i wont be such an asshole

So should i have listened to my self and not told him or are these things i need to hear?
I didn't expect him to be all "poor me" and shit but geez have a little compassion. Thats the exact reason why i don't tell people b/c the last thing i need is to be called an idiot and to hear someone call him names , even if some of them are true i still dont wanna hear it this is hard enough. I hear what he's saying and i know he didnt say those things to hurt me but it does hurt.. Is he really a junkie?am i blinded by love?

To tell the truth if i didnt no what i do about addiction i would probably respond in a similar way. The truth really does hurt but is what he said the truth?... or is he just someone on the outside looking in knowing only the bad stuff...

I know i can not be with him right now maybe i will never be able to be with him but to be told by a friend to just stop caring and that he is a junkie..is just a hard thing to hear and that J word sure is strong but is that really what he is? Am i just too hopefully to admit that to my self.

I guess only time can tell
but i defiantly regret telling my friend cuz now im upset with him. But i shouldn't be b/c i know he only cares i just wish he wasn't so harsh....

Safe and sound

2007-12-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

I survived the plane ride, or should i say plane rideS. You can never get a direct flight to NM. Oops secrets out, NM as in New Mexico. We stopped in Georgia the layover was 3 hours and most of it was spent running back n forth threw the airport cuz they kept changing the gate, that was seriously annoying. Not to mention i feel like shit and the pressure in the airplane did not help, it was awful actually. Thank god for NyQuil!

So today is day one of my new diet and the start to a new me! I'm hoping to get a lot accomplished in the two weeks I'll be here.

I just hope that for once i can concentrate on myself and not worry about anything else. I think it may be hard tho...I'll explain in the next post

Bye for now!

P.S I took that pic with my phone from the airplane. I love those clouds!

quickie

2007-12-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

boy do i have things to write about.
I don't have enough time right now my flight leaves at 12 noon.
We are having a car pick us up at the house how fancy lol.
by us i mean me and my mom... Yea she stayed at my house which is pretty strange
well being as i dont live alone.. i live with my father (her ex hubby) and his new girlfriend. Kinda twisted but w/e it could be worse they could all hate eachother.

I'm fuckin sick...i feel like shit and i have to travel ughhh thank god i have nyquil so i can be all doped up on the plane (prob could have found a better word but o well)

time to finish packing.......expect a long ass blog when i get there.

Where is the OFF button i can't find it

2007-12-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

I think the hardest part of this whole thing is realizing that I am in love with an addict and that there is nothing I can do but let go. It's hard to think to my self wow.. I am in love with someone who steals people belongings and money only to turn around and buy drugs. I am in love with someone who lies out of his ass. I am in love with someone who i can't trust. I am in love with someone i truly don't even know. I am in love with an addict.

It's so hard to say those words and see them written down. Love doesnt have a button, you can't just turn it off. I hate that i love him so much, but do i even no why i love him. He has nothing to offer me at this point in his life. Is is really possible to love someone just from getting the smallest glimpse of who they really are, cuz thats just about all i've gotten.

I have to accept that he is this way and has this "disease". It's just hard to let go when you love and care about someone and you just want to have them and hold them forver and you want them to be safe and to just STOP. It's sad its painfully sad..

It's hard for me to sit here and think....

i just think how can he turn into such a monster, doing the things he does... how can he lie right to everyone's face. I just want to no how? why? is it really the addiction or is that him.

I am hurting so bad right now just knowing that i have to accepts things that i cannot ever change. I am hurting knowing that for once in my life i was truly in love with someone and it wasnt what i thought it was. I am hurting knowing that i continued to go out of my way for this person to help them have a better life all the while getting lied to.

I am hurting because i still love this person and i wish those feelings would just go away.

The sadness i feel right now is more tremendous then ever before because i realize i have to let him go.

New

2007-11-29T10:30:00.001-08:00

I decided to change my email address which was also my name on here. I changed it to addictedtono1@yahoo.com So i am now Addicted to no one.I just felt it was time for a change.I began to hate seeing or typing additced to my addict.I once was..when i was devoted to F 100% and did all the crazy things i did for him.But at this point in my life I don't want to be "addicted" to anything or anyone.

ahhh i feel much better!

I noticed something...

2007-11-20T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not a bitch, I'm not mean and nasty. I think im pretty nice, sometimes too nice for my own good. I realized that being with someone who has a habbit I ABSO-fucking-Lutly can't stand makes me that other person. I turn into "that" girl friend. You know the one who bitches and nags and is mean. That's not me, not even close. But when you're in a sertain situation it can make you behave badly.

When he is clean and doing all the right things (well at least some of them) I'm happy, I'm nice, I'm loving, I'm me. But once i get it in my head that he may be using again go-go gadget attack mode.

I realized this the other day when i cought my self being mean to F, just being a bitch. I sat back and I saw what was happening to me, I'm becoming this horrible person. It's almost as if im being this way towards him because i have so much built up anger and recentment towards him. Whatever the reason it's not right or healthy for either of us and i don't like it one bit.

I think realizing this couldnt have come at a better time. I'm taking this mini Vacation for 2 weeks and im really going to think about things and just soak in the time alone.

any advice?

Change of plans

2007-11-19T09:25:00.001-08:00

Well my mom came up with an idea and i liked it so im changing plans a little.
As i mentioned in the post below she is coming her for business, will be going back home on Dec. 9th. and returning back here with my step dad for xmas on the 21rst of Dec.

Her idea is for me to go back with her when she leaves on the 9th stay for the two weeks until they fly back on the 21rst. This will give me a chance to feel it out and make sure i will be comfortable there. There is a huuuuge difference between the east and west coast. Well from where i live to where she lives anyway.

I'm ALOT more comfortable with this idea. I was beginning to panic b/c it was getting SO close to the date id be "moving" I wanted to give more time at work, i needed time to pack and to see all my friends before i went. I was just feeling way too rushed into making a decision and all the things id have to do in such a short period of time. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders now. It's never good to make a decision like that when you are feeling under pressure. I love my mommy ..She's so smart ;o)

I'm leavin on a jet plane dont know when I'll be back again...

2007-11-16T05:59:00.001-08:00

You know how sometimes you just wish you could drop everything and run away for a little while? Well i sure as hell know i do and i think i might. Except I'm not quite "running" away from things it will be more of an "extended vacation" (humor me)

My mom lives about 2,500 miles away I'm on the east coast she's on the west. I have the opportunity to go stay with her for a few months. I can go there get serious about getting in shape and getting my self esteem back and just kinda get away from "things" for a little while to clear my head with no distractions. I'll get a job, spend tons of time on art projects I've been wantings to start and finish, I'll work out everyday and start feeling better about myself. I KNOW i can accomplish all these goals while I'm there I've done it before. (about two years ago i stayed with her for 6 months)

I don't really have anything great going on here. I have a pretty damn good job and I'll be sad to leave, although i don't own the store i treat it as if it's mine and i don't really want anyone else "messing" with it. So that will be tough but I'll get over it. I might even see if there is someway i can still be part of the business while I'm gone.

When it comes to F ya i love him but not like i once did. I don't think i even know the real him. It's hard to end relationships, and this one is one unlike any others i have been in. It is the longest and the only one where love and family was really involved. I've delt with things I NEVER in million years thought I'd have to deal with (then again who imagines falling in love with a heroin addict) I've fought hard to keep it strong and going. I've put ALOT of time and alot of my heart into it. I feel that im just going to keep hurting if i don't make a drastic change. This is ALL still new to me like I said things Ive never delt with before. Things you cant imagine untill your in the situation and the only way you can know is through experience. I've been strong..getting weak sometimes but pulling through it and I can't do it anymore.

I've REALLY been thinking about this ALOT lately. Part of me is really excited to go excited to start changing for the better. Part of me is worrying that I'll hate it (she moved to a diff area more in the mountains and in a very small town) I know i can come back and if i don't like it that much ill just have to deal with it for the time. It would be worth it anyway just to get myself back.

Now I haven't made my mind up 100% yet but if i decide to go i have a few options. My mom is coming over this way for business in about 2 1/2 weeks. She wants me to bring my car so one option would be to drive back there with her around Dec 9th when she goes home. IF i do that she is also planning to come back for Christmas. Id have to fork up about $200.00 for the plane ticket to come back here with them. If i wait and just go when they go back home AFTER Christmas that will be another 6 weeks I'd have to stay here. I really don't want to waist 6 more weeks.. I can accomplish ALOT over there in 6 weeks and once i make my mind up I'm not going to want to wait. So i think id rather just pay the $200.00 and go sooner then later.

I just think getting away for a while may be what i need right now. Apparently I don't have the strength to do somethings on my own right now, and maybe i just need a little help. I know i need help and im not getting it here. I also miss the old lady and I've seen ALOT and been through even more over the past 2 years and realized just how short life really is.

decisions.. decisions...

I'm a cunt now

2007-11-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

b/c i called him out on being high

I can't take it anymore...

2007-11-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

I think the main problem is that he doesnt understand what it's like to be on the other side of this whole mess. He doesnt really know what it's like for "us". He ALWAYS tells me im living in the past and to "get over it" and stop bringing things up, but it's alot harder then he thinks. For example...yesterday.
He is painting his sister walls inside the house so he was there yest. Well i called and his sister answerd and said she had no idea where he was, it was as if he just went the bathroom or something, front door unlocked, shed unlocked, paint on the floor,no note nothing. He doesnt have a cell phone (well now he does but ill get to that later) so no one had anyway of reaching him. Automaticlly i went in panic mode once he wasnt back in like 10 minutes.. so obviously he didnt just go across the street to 711 or anything. So anyway his mom called me she was pretty frantic wondering why he left, where he went and why he left everything open. So a few mintues later his sister called me and told me that he is back and that he went to get lunch. So im a little annoyed that he didnt call me,,ya no.. why did his sister call me to tell me that,, idk but thats a tiny tiny part of this all... so he gets on the phone and i said something along the lines of "what is wrong with you?" and he replies with "I'm not fucking doing this im going bye" and he hangs up. So i just stood there like wtf. Now maybe i shouldnt have said that, i prob should have just let him explain. so admitt that was the wrong way of approaching it but sometimes esp when i was paniking before its hard for me to be calm..( i need to work on this i know) so anyway i called back..or did he.. i dont remember but when he called back he was trying to explain he told me he went out to lunch with a friend and he was a little calmer and i just told him i was worried..we all were. i just told him that maybe next time at least a note or something that would prevent this from happening.. i dont expect him to check in with every move he makes for chirsts sake but knowing the circumstances and knowing he had no cell phone.. it would be nice if it seemed like he cared about anyone elses feeling but his own...

oh while dealing with him being M.I.A i had a little ordeal at work..An older man had a heart attack i think and died.. so i was all frantic about that..finding a dead guy on the floor isnt exactlly my cup of tea. so i was dealing with all the questions from the detectives and these people in and out and i was a lil shookin up from seeing that. So thats why i was calling him to tell him about that. So i was goin nuts dealing with all these things at once.

oh also..something that made me a lil sceptical..was his voice... you know.. that scratchy, groggy, slow speach with the occasional 1/2 fake cough sounding thing. So with that..it made it kinda hard to think straight..i didn't dare ask anyquesitons b/c i didnt want to accuse him and i knew if he had doens somthign he wouldnt tell me anyway.

He proceeds to tell me he bought a cell phone with the $40.00 his brother in law gave him yest. Now keep in mind.. he has a pre-paid phone..it has no minutes.. but they make these things called PHONE CARDS. Well as soon as he said he bought a phone i wanted to explode and scream at him .. but i tried to keep my cool as long as i could.

I was mad he bough it b/c, He has a phone, thats all the money he's got to his name...literally, He owes TWO towns money and if he doesnt pay them they will put out a warrent.. so instead of taking that money and paying $5.00 to each,Ya know showing some kind of reasponsibility he goes out and buys a friggin phone. He complains he needs shoes and that he has no money for ciggs or to take a bus to find a JOB and he gets money and he blows it!!! He did the last time he got a little money also.

Yes it is his money, it's his life he can do what he wants and if he doesnt pay his fines n ends up back in jail it's on him. But it's just hard when he is supposed to be "proving" him self to..himself mainly and he isnt doing anything to do so.
I try so hard not to come like im his mom or w/e believe me thats the last things i want. but he is just so damn thick headed and never seems to get it.

We just CAN'T communicate.. i try VERY hard to be in his shoes and i feel for him i really really do but it seems he cant do that.. and all he ever has to say is "you need to get over it" Im SO sick of hearing those words he doesnt realize i am scard from some of the things he has done and it takes a long time to get over somethings. I dont no if he will ever see this. He just cant deal with the damage he has caused.. and be here for me when i need the support..but yet i was always there for him and gave him my all.. and he can't do the same...

Also lately..we have been breaking up everyother day it seems..or at least every weekend.. how fking highschool is that?
When something doesnt go his way or if we are arguing he will just say things like "i think our relationship is over" Did i EVER say shit like that when you pulled all your crazy stunts. He did it yest. with the whole phone thing and him missing. and quite frankly im just like OK then.. cuz im not gunna feed into that bull shit.

Maybe i should just face the facts that this isnt going to work..not right now anyway, Maybe we do need to go our seperate ways and see what happens after that. I cant stand by and watch him go down the same path he went down all the other times. I can stand and watch him continue to be irreasponsible. I can't be broken up with every friggin week cuz he doesnt no how to deal with life. I cant do it. i dont need that stress.

I need some insight, I think i know what to do and that is to just not be with him right now. I dont think im in the right state of mind for a boyfriend right now anyway, im too unhappy with my self and i think if i work on me i can have a clear mind.

i dunno help me O wise ones pleeeease

i thought it was time for an update

2007-11-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure why i havent been writting so much.. i guess b/c nothing exciting has really happend same ol' shit.

But to update..
I've been goin to the gym and spending time with my friends.
He's been going to meetings...from what i hear..... (there i go again doubting him, will it ever
stop?)
He still hasn't found a job.. i mean c'mon he's been out now for almost a month ...
he has done some work with friends n shit but enough he needs to get a job like everyone else
i wish i knew what his problem was.. he's not lazy and he's hardworking..when he works.
i hope he's not falling again

Our relationship has changed so much from the way it was in the beginning.
I feel like we are drifting apart, like im unhappy most of the time
and this has nothing to do with the drugs like it did before
I feel like i come second to..alot
i know his recovery comes first but like he will offer to help people out with w.e it is they need help with on a day when we are supposed to spend together.
I think its great that he wants to help people but it would be nice if i could have his un-divided attention for once...like i used to

I feel like im not getting the things i need from him
The things i used to look for in a boyfriend
from sexual things to the little things boyfriends do
things i USED to get from him
but not anymore
I'm left feeling unsatisfied most of the time

We have been fighting so much its insane
and the sick thing is that we only see each other like twice a week usually on the weekend
wouldn't you think after not seeing one another for a several days you'd be excited to them...
well i don't get that from him...
and he's been finding someway each time we are finally together to be a dick and fuck it up
which usually results in me leaving.
I'm not putting up with his shit
and im not gunna sit there and allow him to be a dick to me

i just don't no what his problem is.
he needs to get over himself and stop thinking that everyone thinks he ows them something...
he needs to start showing he is grateful for all things he has been given.
and you no what he does owe me something.. he owes me the respect i deserve and to be ther for me how i was for him.

ughhh!!! i dont no its soooo aggravating.. i dont no what to do
i dont have it in me to keep trying to make this work esp if it doesnt seem he is trying
i often feel like i dont even no him when he acts certain ways..
i dont no if the reasons i have are reasons to leave him
or if thats what i want

im so confused and hurt at the same time b/c ive invested SO much into this relationship
I've learned things from him ive gotten closer to my family from him he has shown me alot im a part of his family...it was all so perfect everything i wanted and now it seems its not there anymore..and like i said i dont no if i want it there..

I'm also having alot of issues with myself..
im not happy with myself
there used to be things i liked about my self
and now it seems i cant find one damn things.
and i feel like that is holding me back from alot
my self esteem or lack there of is holding me back from doing what I truly want
does that sound ridiculous? i dont know
but it is...
I feel like.. if i was content with who i am.. then i wouldn't hold onto certain things..
id be able to live more for myself then other people.
Its so bad to let that get in the way but it is
and im taking steps in the right direction
im going to the gym..i think once i start to see come progress things will just start getting better and better....

i dont no i just wonder if this is just a phase
or if its just gunna keep down hill from here
i mean i no he lives with his moms.. so somethngs are limited and stuff like that
and he has no car yada yada yada
but is this shit ever gunna change....
i dont no if i want to wait and find out..

AHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

2007-10-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

He asked to barrow my car!

NO
Did i mention...NO?

The guys may want to stay away from this one ;o)

2007-10-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm now on a misson to find this man!!!

anyone wanna help?!

Must be nice

2007-10-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people are so willing to help F
and in says i hate them for it....well not hate but...
Some guy who is in NA apparently bought him a pre-paid phone today
and this same guy also has $200.00 for F to help him get into an oxford house.

Like whats the deal..it fucking annoys me for me some reason
Shouldn't i be happy he has people to help him
and also happy for the fact that its not me..

well for some reason it makes me..kinda mad..
Maybe its almost jealousy... im not sure
He fucks up..goes away for a lil while
Comes back and theres someone giving him things already
It's like geeez if i start doing drugs and going to jail are people gunna be buying me cells phones and diner and shit..

I know thats a totally stupid thing to say
and i don't really feel that way
idk it's just weird..
i wish people would give him chance to get these things on his house instead of handing it to him

Might as well throw money at him

Like when we were engaged my dad gave him (us) like $900.00 for a truck for F
I was PISSED
I wish my dad had talked to me about if before offering that kinda money up
I was mad b/c i guess i knew he was using on and off
and i didnt want my dad to make that mistake
but he did anyway
and the truck is gone and yada yada yada

I just believe that giving him everything is not showing him anything except
"Hey i can just keep getting into trouble b/c i know there will be someone to give me shit when im out of jail"
He needs to live without those things until he can earn them on his own.

idk i just had to vent a little but im done
for now

PARAMORE: Pressure

2007-10-15T13:22:00.001-07:00

2007-10-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

I havent written in a while
and when i have it's either been a song or lyrics.
I just have so much on my mind right now and getting it out in song form seems like the only way i can express my self right now...

Ok well i stared at the screen for a while and...nothing
I'll try again another day

Flyleaf - there for you

2007-10-15T06:32:00.001-07:00

Please forgive me

His get out of jail song....but it never seems to last

2007-10-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

Calm down... calm down... Baby just calm down...
She use to tell me to... calm down...
Moms use to tell me to... calm down...
Baby just calm down...
She use to tell me to... calm down...
(She would pray that I would) Baby just calm down... Calm down...

Look, I was such a lost soul, just wanted to be down with something
Look at your son now mommy I amounted to something
You couldn't figure out, what I had messed with the streets for
Cause you saw my genius without a SAT score
I took drugs and laced it with things
But you a addict yourself,
For you I was people, places and things
Angeldust use to have me in the hallways twurked
I tried to hide it, but Visine didn't always work
I needed someone to blame in my mind
I thought if you and dad never used dope I would a came out fine
And so I hit you hard when you threw in advice
Like what I want to talk to you about you ruined my life
You the reason why I ended up a con and I knew it
The reason I filled my body with embomin fluid, mommy
You the reason that my life's gone illegal
The reason I'm kinda different, don't think like normal people, not calm

baby just calm down... You gotta hold your head up cause we gone make it
She use to tell me to... calm down...
Moms use to tell me to... calm down... (You got to understand what I was going through)
Baby just calm down... Everything's gonna be alright
She use to tell me to... calm down...

Listen... ain't shit like seeing your moms crying on the floor
Knowing you the reason why she ain't alright no more
But so young, I was like whatever
You use to chase me through the house with the knife like get your life together
Fucking drugs, how could I ever amp on you
And what made me think that I could lay my hands on you
I'm not surprised that you mad at me
Much as you hated my father, your youngest son is just like his daddy
Mommy I live life rude, how could you not understand it
On the same note I'm just like you
I got moms sensitivity, my fathers balls
His humor, his g, and my heart is yours
Fuck school, cause I had my major
Come to grips that it ain't so much the drugs, it's the addict behavior
(no)Was it the dic charge, the cut that came with it
Wasn't really the smoking, but the rush that came with it

I felt so alone, I had a crew, but so what
Then when Angela stabbed me guess who showed up
And when people said I‘d always be ill and twisted
And when the therapist had told us that the pills would fix it
Was sick of being sick, I was finally hurt
With all the praying that you did ma, it finally worked
God gave you a son back, I won't offend you again
Won't let the disease turn me against you again
Use to be high as ever, (but I) Joey Jr. got his life together
As a result, now we tighter than ever
So blessed, so grateful to be seeing tomorrow (see the whole world)
That's why I can't take a drink, not if even a swallow
I can't picture me twisted, like what I'm a do now
Haters I can't stop yet, my mothers to proud
Secure now, don't need to be down with nothing
Look at your son now mommy, I amounted to something
I'm so calm

Calm down... Calm down...
You gotta hold your head up cause we gone make it y'all
They said I wouldn't reach 21 y'all... I'm still standing
Calm down... Thanks ma...
I couldn't do it without you
Calm down... Calm down... You are appreciated
It's a slow process
One day at a time though... to get beautiful

I DONT KNOW!!

2007-10-05T09:45:00.001-07:00

So it's Friday and i feel like this is my last "free" couple of days. I have to pick up F on tuesday and im worried that from then on my life will be hectic n crazy like b4. I'm stressin it bad.

I already know things are..HAVE TO BE different when he comes out and the only reason i know i will be able to stick to my words this time is b/c of this blog and all you wonderfull people who have helped me. This time i have a backbone..a support group to back me up.

I just don't want to deal with him and all his crap i can't and i won't put up with it but im still gunna have to deal with it.

Like he has no car, no phone, no this no that and i know thats not my problem and im not gunna make it my problem.

HE has to deal with it..
im not giving him money so he can call me from a pay phone
im not buying him ciggaretts
im not waking up an hour early to drive across 3 towns to pick him up n bring him to work
im not rushing to his call when i get out of work or at all
im not paying to stay at a hotel with him

these are all things i used to do and i cant and i wont do it anymore he has to learn that im not doing things for him and that if he wants to talk to me or hangout with me or w/e he is going to have to put forth the effort get an F'in job or two, get money and support himself.

I just have this feeling that when i tell him how its going to be he is gunna freak out.. turn the story around and make me feel guilty.. i CANT let that happen but i dont no if im strong enough... I can say one thing though..knowing that i have this blog to come home to i know it is going to help ALOT.

I'm just fearing things...like...

him expecting me to go to him wherever he is when i get out of work and his reaction when i tell him I'm not or something..

i dont know i cant even get my thoughts out straight to make sense..

i just dont want to deal with the response i get from him when he finds out it's not going to be the same as it has been all the other times..

like i used to go to him everyday after work hang out..drive around waist gas go home late go to work n do it all over again..and thats jsut one more thing..gas..its not cheap and since he has been gone i havent been spending nearly as much money on it as i was b4. I know if he has a job he would give me money but that never seems to happen..it never gets that far..

idk i just need to stop worrying about things and let them happen.. I'm going to tell him what i want and what IM going to do THIS time and if he doesnt like it then oh well.. cuz i am not living my life the way i did b4...pretty much living outta my car, never going home..giving my dad the cold shoulder.. im not doing it again..

ugghhhh all i can say is I DON'T KNOW

i dont know how it is going to be when he gets out
i dont know how he will react to the change
i dont how I will react to it either...
i dont no how to feel right now..
i just dont know
so its better to not think about it so much and just let it happen

Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come

2007-10-05T09:38:00.001-07:00

This song is GREAT!!

Thnx tjw for the help ;o)

2007-09-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

while i sit here and cry ..the tears come out and they bring out all the pain and remind me of everything

god i have the worst feeling in my stomch right now
its like my body wants me to just cry and my mind so filled with things..overflowing wont let it

l have no one to call and cry to..to talk to..no one to hold me n tell me its ok...i havent in so long n wen he has he was fuking high or w.e he was n it didnt mean a thng it wasnt the same

i just think about all the nights we'd be in bed and id just want him to wrap his arms around me and hold me all night and he was already passed out sleeping
id be laying there..crying
cuz i knew what he had done
and i was always so alone..even with him right next to me

i cried my self to sleep most nights
sometimes loud enough were youd think the person next to you would hear
but no the high he was on was too strong and had him in another world
i would go from sad to angry
cuz he wouldnt wake up and comfort me
and if he did he would just get mad and ask me why im crying again
or just leave the room

god forbid i would ruin his high
cuz i was upset

there were so many times he would just leave me
leave the house b/c i was crying or upset cuz i knew he was high
and he didnt want to be confronted with that
so he would just leave
leave me standing there crying my eyes out

sometimes he would come back in a few minutes and just lay on the bed like nothing was wrong
he is a monster when he is high he has no emotions no cares

i keep thinking about wut he has said to me.. mean things.. all b/c i was saying it like it is..saying i didnt wanna b around him or didnt want him to use my car and all of a sudden i turned into a bitch.. a dirty whore..w/e u can think of b/c I wanted to protect my self, my things

im still not over that and i havent done anything to deserve that
i dont call names..but im sry if anyone deserves to be called a name its not me

there are so many things that have happend that i think of..and i still want answers to
i still want to no the fuking truth
and i want my things back..
things he took from me from my house and sold
but most of all i want my sanity back
i want this to be over
i want to stop worrying
i want a normal life

I feel

2007-09-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

Im going through such a rough time right now, so many different things running through my mind. It's like my brain is one big traffic jam backed up with so much distruction nothing is moving along.

I feel so alone, most of the time. I mean yea, i know i can relate to the people who write their own blogs but its not the same when you cant even really talk to your friends about it and when you have to hide things from your family.

I'm afraid of so many things.

My heart has been through hell over the past year and a 1/2. I've never had SO many ups and downs in such a small amount of time, It really messes with you emotionally.

I feel like a great big ball of emotions.

I feel like screaming What about me!!!??!

I feel like im always doing things for everyone and helping eveyone. When is it my turn?
I feel so left out alot, like it's always somone elses problems or dilemas or w/e. Not mine.....

A co-worker and i were talking the other day about relationships and stuff he had gone threw with his girl and just how im so young but so ready to settle down and how i have an "old soul".
When he asked about my current relationship, its like i cant even answer the questions.
A. b/c he doesnt know anything about F and im not about to spill my guts.
B. b/c with all the stuff ive been threw with F i cant give an answer like i should be able to.

Like he asked me ..if thats what i want with him..to settle down and marry him and all that.
I couldnt even say ..yes! And so he said how when he is asked that question he wants to be able to just say yes and not have to think about it like i did. He makes a wonderfull point. There was a time when i would say YES!!!!! but now i cant. That hurts.

I dont know it just hurts when people who dont really know ask me stuff and i cant even give them an honest answer b/c of all the "shit" that has gone on with F, Shit i cant even give my self an answer.

I also think about how its been so long since he was..NOT using. That i forget what it was like. I almost forget how he REALLY is.

All of this is making me SO sensitive to things. Things people say or do. I take it all the absolute wrong way.

I feel like im demanding attention inside...i dont no..
im not the type of person to need to be in the spot light..actually i hate it
i guess im just tierd of giving all ive got and getting nothing in return.

I day dream

When am i gunna have someone to cook me dinner, take me out to dinner.
Have money to do things with me, and not me being the only one with money and a job and a car and a house.

Im so tierd of it...tierd of taking care.. i need to be taken care of.

disease

2007-09-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'll take the blame

So you don't have to feel ashamed.

I'll hide your pain

So deep that you won't feel a thing.

as I hold you

I'm drowning too.

I'll hide my tears

To help you through.

But inside I'm screaming for some healing,

Never felt so empty and I'm telling you it's slowly killing me

Pleading for some meaning

I need to know there's something more to living than this horrible disease.

I'll block it out,

The screams that fill my mind with doubt.

Pleas quiet down,

I need you to be calm, not shout.

Calm wash it down,

to help you take it easy,

To keep your heart from freezingJust for now.

Screaming for some healing,

Never felt so empty and I'm telling you it's slowly killing me.

Pleading for some meaning,

I need to know there's something more to living than this horrible disease

pardon me

2007-09-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

A decade ago, I never thought I would be. At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me
But I guess that it goes with the territory.
Anonymous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take And exploding seems like a definite possibility To me

So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me.
I'll never be the same.

Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D
And thinking so much differently.
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame Pardon me, pardon me.
I'll never be the same.

isnt this just the strangest looking thing,,,

2007-09-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

mmmm rain

2007-09-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

what a wonderfull rainy day it is. I cant wait to go home light some candles clean up my room and just relax, maybe take a lil nap, bubble bath, maybe make a phone call ;o).

idk what it is about a rainy day, i just love them, the sound the rain makes when it hits the window. There even better with a lil thunder and lightening and someone to cuddle with!

feelin good..feelin real good

2007-09-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

ive been doing good with the exercise things. I think my problem is that i dont see progress in 2 days and thats what makes me want to give up im so impatient! i have to realize that it takes more then 2 days to see progress! So i cant wait until next Monday that will be one week of working out everyday and eating healthier i no i will see some progress then and i know that will make me want to continue.

other then that everything is the same old crap nothing new to talk about F comes home in like 2 1/2 weeks i cant wait! for more then one reason! ;o)

well i have looooots to do at work today so i will post more when i have something interesting to talk about!

Doesnt it hurt

2007-09-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

When you stick that needle in your arm, don't you feel the pain?
Is it worth it, to hurt your self only to look like a fool
What do you gain?Spoons, syringes, razor blades, mirrors..
Things to you that are nothing but a tool

Why would someone want to intentionally cause himself pain
I know it hurts you, It has to
What could you possibly gain?
I could ask you until my face was blue
You are too numb to even answer

You are not the only one who's feels this pain
The lies you tell, the things you steal
You have nothing to gain!
The life you live, it isn't real

Doesn't it hurt...

Can you keep on living causing pain?
Every where you go it follows
What do you have to gain?
Is your heart really that hollow

Your life is dark and decrepit filled with nothing but pain
You walk down a road to nowhere
What could you possibly have to gain?
Your face is nothing but a blank stare

You are not the only one who feels this pain
If you continue on this path, there will be nothing left
You have nothing to gain!
Soon your family will put you to rest

Doesn't it hurt....

He makes me hate things

2007-09-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

people, places and things. I hate going to certain places or driving by certain stores and seeing certain faces. I hate remembering times we've had together, things that should be happy memories but for me they are not. My happy memories are fuzzy, so hard to find sometimes.

I'm one to save things that mean something to me, like movie tickets or cards or flowers. It really hit me the other day. I was cleaning my room and i did something i usually would never do I threw out tickets from a comedy show we had went to. We went to see bob sagget live, the show was weird and it was pretty twisted to see a man who for all my years growing up was known as the dad of Full House, talk about fking animals and making fun of fat people. Even though the show sucked if he wasn't in opiate heaven nodding off and scratching the whole time i probably would of had a 1/2 decent time, It could have been a nice night out. But now to me that is just another bad memory a place i hate now and id prob cringe if i drove by it. I don't even want to remember things. There are very few things we've done with out him being high that i can remember, It's sad cause I'm a pretty sentimental person. I just cant face some things though, i threw those tickets out with out second guessing the thought or even looking at them. I threw other things out that i wouldn't normally throw out, i just don't want to remember somethings.

Even going in some stores bothers me. I just think of the times we were there and he was embarassing me b/c he was acting like an adict.

He had been going to a christian church. Now im not a very religious person and im catholic. Being the wonderfull girlfriend that i am i told him i would go to the christian church with him. It took alot for me to go i really didnt want to but i did it for him, i did it to support him and hey...maybe i would like it. So we went one sunday and surprise can you guess who was passed out? head on shoulder every time i looked over at him. I kept knudging him to wake up and he said that that is just how he listens ( i was born at night but it wasnt last night) well i was getting mader and mader by the minute finaly i just said i wanted to leave and i got up and walked out. Here i was in a place that was very unfamiliar and very strange for me, i felt very uncomfortable but i was still willing to wait it out and see what happens and he had the nerve to go there like that! I was livid to say the least. Talk about going back there when he gets out has come up from him lately and its going to be very hard for me to go again after the fist episode.

It hurts alot to think about these things, it really bothers me and i havent mentioned this to him yet. I will tell him when he gets out, i need to, he needs to no.

This cant be normal

2007-09-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

My back hurts. If i sit up straight it hurts even more then when i slouch. I think i need to go to a chiropractor..Ive never been I'm scared their gunna hurt me. It's not even just one part is the whole thing. This is getting out of control though its killing me to the point sometimes where i just don't no whether to sit, stand, lay, or just cry from aggravation.

I realized..

2007-09-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing is ever enough for me i always want more...

i have to go to the gym.

2007-09-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

So i havent been to the gym since that one week i did good.
i have around a month untill F comes home and if i wait any longer i wont be able to make good progress b4 he gets back. My goal is to work out and eat right until he gets home and see what i can do within that time. ( i will continue when he's out but its just a lil goal) i think its a good goal and a month is a decent amount of time.

why am i trying to talk my self into going!!! why not just go!?!!
grrrr i still dont no what my prob is.. ive already waisted 3 weeks. he has been gone 3 weeks and i didnt do anything!

i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.
i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.
i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym. i have to go to the gym.

oh, my poor jail bird

2007-09-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

So Being as inpatient as the next person in jail F has been bugging me about calling all these diff people and places to find out his release date. Now i can only imagine how boring it is in there and all you do all day is think so im sure he just wants to know so he can kinda count down. Ive called these people, so has his mom. We havent gotten an exact date but its gunna be somewhere around the 4th of Oct. So i told him just start counting down to Oct.1 and know that it will only be days after that or maybe even before. Well thats not enough and this morning he asked me to call this one lady in the parol dept. I'm at work... i hate making those calls at work its not proffesional and i dont need people hearing me talk about those things here. I asked his mom to call, all she does all day is sit on her ass, so i thought id ask her even though she has called b4 also. Well. her response was " Tell him to stop and to relax, I'm not calling, i already called and they told me the 4th bla blah blah" So of course being the overdramatic that i can be it felt like she was yelling this at me and therefor i felt like a fool for even asking the bitch.. tho she does have a point we have called several times and its time to just let it go. I called this lady at the jail anyway and she couldnt talk to me ..confidentiality blah blah blah shit and she wasnt the nicest. So now i kinda feel crappy for even making the calls i knew what was going to happen and i shouldnt have called, once again i allowed him to control me. Well when i talk to him again im telling him thats it! no more phone calls.

Before that convo we were talking about how his moms bday is comming up and i mentioned that one of my friends bday is also comming at the end of the month. I told him how she invited me to go on some party bus with other people into NY for the night.. bar hoping and sillyness i guess. Well b4 i told F about it i told her i couldnt go, for a few reasons. I cant afford a present AND the 50$ to go on this thing ,plus food plus drinks yada yada.. oh yea i forgot "i dont drink anymore" ( thats something i gave up b/c of F i tend to forget sumtimes) also its on a mon night and i have work the next day so i sed i cant make it.. When i mentioned it to F this AM he said "your not going" b4 i even got to tell him i already told her i wasnt going. He was serious though, he didnt want me to go and he prob would have been mader then mad if i went. I can understand where he is comming from i woudlnt really want him goin on sum party bus into NY with out me either... yea im a control freak just like him lol So yea he is the main reason why im not going.. plus i dont drink...or im not supposed to and i really really dont have the money to spend so i guess it is a combo of a few things. Then i mentioned that i told her id take her out to eat just me n her either b4 or after her bday and his reaction was "After! so i can come!" In my head im thinking didnt you hear Just ME and HER. I havent hung out with her in so long and she is the best of the bests, I wouldnt care if he came another time, he would get along with her b/f so it would b cool. Not this time though..we need some girl time anyway.

I have never done anything to make him not trust me, not even the smallest thing. He should be happy that i dont go out on friday or sat nights with me friends (while he is in jail) and me going out to eat with a good friend for her bday should not EVEN be an issue.

Ive put up with so much shit from him and i waited around for him for so long i deserve this! I understand he is lonely in there and jealous that i can go out and he cant (he told me ) But he needs to see that HE put him self there no one else. Maybe THIS time he is in there for silly reasons like missing a parol meetting or w/e and its not sumthing more serious like giving a dirty urine but still if he wasnt doing the wrong thing at some point he wouldnt be there.

It's just stressfull. I wish he would just say ..go have a good time. Thats all i dont ask for much .
The whole going out thing is hard. I dont want to make him jealous or to make him worry about who im with and what im doing. So If i did go out with a friend ( by go out i mean go shopping or out to eat, not out out) i would opt not to tell him. Id rather not tell him then have to listen to him complain about it or to get a million phone calls during my outage.

I'm going out to eat with her for her bday he is not going to stop me. I cant put my life on hold comletly while he is gone and he is just going to have to understand that, besides im not doing anything wrong! its completly innocent!

Candels make me cry

2007-09-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

So I've come to realize that i can only hold in my tears for so long before they come pouring out. Sometimes it takes physical pain for me to let go and cry. I had a pretty good day today, i had just gotten outta the shower and i was about to paint my toe nails when i bumped into my TV which had a huge 5 wick candle on it, down it went and it landed right on my back. Despite the fact that it hurt like hell i just sat on my bed and cried. I cried like a little baby for a good ten minutes, and it wasn't even because of the physical pain. I didn't and still don't really not why i was crying, but i couldn't stop and i just felt sad after. On my way to F's moms house i was just kinda in a daze..a sad..daze. I snapped out of it now but, it made me realize i hold in my emotions sometimes. Not always but sometimes and i guess i just needed a good cry. It just made me think of all kinds of things. On my ride here i just looked at all the "happy" people, the people in the restaurant and the couple riding their bikes and i just wished that was us and thought to my self that i want that, i just want a normal life.

It's the weekend!

2007-09-01T10:58:00.001-07:00

It's saturday and im at work again, ever since i let the bitch go ive been working 6 days a week. Monday is labor day and of course we're not closed we never are so im opening from 10am-10pm im supposed to work 10-4. Well i get payed 8 hours wether im here or not paid holidays rock! AND i get paid for any hours im phyisically here. So with that said and in a time of needing money i think im gunna work the whole 12 hours! I might as well there are only 3 "holidays" i get paid for the 8 hours plus what i work (except xmas thanksgiving and new yrs but we r closed so they dont count) so its 4th of july , memorial day and labor day so i might as well us em for all their money. Nice fat paycheck here i come!!

Tomarrow is sunday, thats usually what comes after saturday. Time to go back to jail, not literally of course. I get to see my sexy mans sexy face ;o) and sexy body ;o) and i cant touch ;o(

Thats the worst part i leave there all hot n botherd. Damn and im goin with his mom its ok i can contain myself. I can't wait until he gets out im gunna run and jump and not get down. Sex is not by any means the most important thing in a relationship F and i both agree about this, infact we never talk about it when he is away. but god i cant help not to think about when and where the next time will be! and how it will be.. i tend to worry that maybe it will be uncomfortable since its been like a month and when he gets out it will be over 2 months. It's usually not..it's as if we never stopped.. ok sory to whoever is reading this ive just been feeling a little...lets say..lonely lately lol

So i made eggplant parm last night omg it was soooooo good. Like so good that i cant stop thinking about it..im such a fat ass.. but it was really good and pretty i should have taken a pic. i love to cook and i dont that much anymore cuz im lazy i guess.. and b4 F went away i was alwayss with him n never home so i never could. But i owe it to my dad so im doing alot of cooking for him while im around, cuz im nice like that!

ok i have to get back to work less than 3 hours till i go home waaaahooo!!! and im staying at his moms house tonight in his old bed ;o) im excited!

boo hoo

2007-08-31T11:16:00.001-07:00

Not very many of you comment on my posts ;o(
i need feedback people!!

My nerves are shot

2007-08-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

i have nothing else to say

ahhhhhhhhh!

2007-08-29T06:56:00.001-07:00

I dont know what is wrong with me and its affecting my everyday life. I'm getting headaches alot like everyday, ive been so tierd lately i have absolutely NO motivation none what-so-ever. I'm miserable in my own skin. i'm almost at the point of hating my self, everyone tells me things and i cant seem to see them. "You're a great person" "You're beautiful" "You're not fat!" NO I'm Not No I'm Not YES I AM!!!

I seem to believe that the only thing that will cure me right now is going to the gym and loosing weight. I'm stuck on that but for some reason i dont make it to the gym. I wake up feeling shitty about my self, nothing fits ,i look fatter then usual ,im ugly, look at that pimple!, i hate my hair, blah blah blah i beat my self up every single morning and by the time work is over im tierd and ughhh just dont wanna go to the gym.There is nothing i like about my self right now... nothing. I cant even like my tattoo b/c i think my arm is fat!

Every little thing pisses me off or aggravates me to the point of wanting to slap someone or something. I dont no why im getting so annoyed by dumbass things.. like this morning for example. I'm already in a bad mood b/c of the above listed reasons. Now I'm hot...im running late for work, i get in my car, i blast the AC cuz im so hot and aggravated, I need cool air. Then i NEED a cigg. So i light up as i pull out the driveway. ( i dont smoke alot mainly one in the AM one when i get off work and thats it if i stay home if i go out i smoke more. but im not a heavy smoker. ) so anyway now i have my cigg cuz i needed it so bad and maybe that will make me feel better but its doesnt its just one more thing to annoy me, the smoke is blowing in my eyes, it smells, it makes my throat hurt. your prob thinking so stop smoking, i dont want to, not yet. anyway it's just one stupid little tiny thing after another this alllllll b4 i even make it to work. Even at work customers are annoying me by the dumn questions they ask or by just needing something. I'm noticing im nasty to people who dont even do anything to me. If im driving and someone wants to cross the street i curse at them..im my head of course i havent gone THAT crazy yet. I dont no why im so irritable and this fucking piercing headache is not helping, of course i dont have anything to take for it either so i will suffer. I'm not a mean and nasty person, im really not but just lately i have no tolerance or patients for anything. Every day is like this for me, i dont want to do anything, im lazy, unmotivated and just tierd. I do get a sudden burst of energy once n a while but other then that nothing. I don't no what to do about all this. i dont no if i should go to the doc maybe for blood work or some shit to see if there is a reason why im so tierd and have headaches or are the headaches b.c of smoking, or am i so tired cuz im fat and i need to loose weight. i just need to no what it is so i can fix my self! I'm pretty sure though that if i just go to the gym and eat healthier soon enough i will feel better, but i dont no. and again i cant get motivated to get there. I have just listed all the reasons to go it is a stress reliever too and time alone to just listen to music and zone out. Why do i have such a problem getting there though. F is away prob until the beginning of October so this is the perfect time to work on my self and loose all the weight i can b4 he gets out. I have a goal.. and thats it and b4 you no it like every other goal i set i procrastinate and a month will go by he will be out and i will not have done a damn thing. Thats another prob i have i always think negatively always, i cant help it and i dont no any other way.

maybe i need a vacation. Well i cant take one b/c im broke, i'm short employee wise, and he would have a cow if i went somewhere.

I dont no what this is...what am i going through..it prob seems like nothing but its not its something, maybe its stress? depression? i need help i am humbling my self and saying i need help whether it be a doctor a counselor the gym w/e it is i need IT.

Maybe there is hope

2007-08-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

So my relationship with F is pretty much a secret..to everyone.. it has to be my family is to hurt from what he did if they knew i was still with him they would not be too happy i cant risk loosing them so i keep it a secret for now.. it sux and im not a liar and im lying to them and i hate it..
anyway i called F's mom from my house line..and she know's the deal with the secret crap. so i called her she didnt answer a few mins later the phone rang and my dad answered.. i knew it was her calling back.. he deleted the caller ID when he was done . i guess he didnt want me to no she called. She called to talk to me but he answered so they talked.. and im glad. and everything absolutely does happen for a reason and im so glad he answered and got to talk to her.they havent spoken in a few months since all this shit happened.. (F stole money from my dad and got kicked outta my house) so im glad they talked im sure my dad felt better and she told me how the convo went and it sounds like maybe there is hope that someday F will be excepted back in my family with a little hard work and paying back. it made me feel happy.

F you Mr Prison guards!

2007-08-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

So i saw F yest. I love seeing him but i hate the circumstances. i had to wait in line for an hour and a 1/2 just so i could make it in the first visit. thank god it wasn't too hot. So they finally let us in and its my turn to show my ID and like an idiot i brought my purse which had my ciggs in it so i had to go put em in my car.. by the time i got back up there enough people had gotten in front of me so that i missed the first group so i had to sit there with screaming babies and dirty smelly people for like 45 minutes until it was my turn.

Of course the second i saw his face all my frustrations went away. The visits are 30 minutes. but its 30 minutes of yelling "What, i can't hear you?!" and crouching over so your back hurts when its over. i think its more stressful than anything.

So he signed his things over to me so i can pick em up. I asked one of the guards where i pick up property and he said around back. ..ok that doesn't tell me much so i ask someone else..."around back" Fuck it i'll find it my self so i drive around back... and theres all these gates and i don't no where the F im supposed to go so i go back to the front of the building this time i went in a diff entrance of course there was a speaker so i had to push a button and wait for someone to respond they tell me to talk threw the phone that is bak there. i remembered seeing a phone so i went back again and the guy said i could go through.. i stood there and thought to my self.. ok where... where do i go now.. so he waves me over now im at a gate.. no handle or anything.. he buzzez me in and i cant figure out how to open to stupid thing well i finally realized how and i opened it. now im in the middle of more gates so he buzzez another one (the sound is like a scary zapping noise..i didnt like it) Now im a big lot with gates and barbed wire all around i hear that noise again an assume its coming from the door on my right so i pushed it open. now im finally inside the jail in a little room with like 4 doors leading all diff places so now im really confused there is no one around and i dont no where to go now...i hear the buzing noise and try the first door on my left..bingo!!! now its just a long dark hallway.. i felt like i was in a F'ing dungeon or a prisoner my self... so i walked down the hallway and turned into the first room with an open door it was the room for paying bails or picking someone up.. im the only person in there so i go to the window and of course the guys back is to me and hes on the comp... im knocking on the glass yelling hello... at this point im aggravated and i just want to get the F outta there. he finally turns around and i tell him what im there for and he informs me that i can only pick it up mon-fri. I left slamming doors behind me.. if the first damn person i talked to about this had told me i couldn't get it on a Sunday i wouldn't of have to go through all that shit . I HATE jails i hate everything about going there. I dont even want to go back to visit him.. but i have to i need to see him and its only like 4 more times. ill just have to make sure i dont bring my ciggs with me next time.

It's good to vent.

Tag

2007-08-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by Inmates Wife : 8 random things about me.

1. I also despise of feet.. i don't mind babies feet but i hate hate hate feet otherwise!
2. I'm a germ freak i prob wash my hands 900 times a day
3. i like to cook
4. i always make a wish when i look at the clock and its 11:11
5. i looooove horses but I'm kinda scared of them at the same time (prob due to the fact that I've been thrown off a couple times)
6. i love scary movies
7. i always look at peoples eyes they fascinate me
8. i have a faerie collection

EJ. Married to an Addict and The Junkies wife Tag Your IT !

2007-08-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

whew... its there im just impatient i guess it had a brain fart or sumthing and took a while to show up....o well so ignore the post below

it could be worse

2007-08-25T06:16:00.000-07:00

so its been a few days since ive written i guess i just have nothing to write about or maybe too much i don't no where to start. F being away kinda makes me put that whole ordeal on the back burner and my life w/o him is pretty fuking lame.

I wish i would get motivated and start painting i bought some stuff when the rag shop was going out of business but i have yet to use it. im so lazy or maybe i just dont no what to paint. i envy those people who can just sit down, paint brush in hand and paint.. i have to think about what i want to paint. nothing really comes easy to me maybe i just need to clear my mind and maybe things will have an easier way finding there way out. but how do you do that?

Im proud of my self that ive been goin to the gym every day this week well i didnt go yest. n it felt weird i was just so tired im going to go today thought i have to i feel.....bad.... i need to go i want this to work i want to be happy in my own skin. i think my problem is that i get frustrated and i want it now now now i dont wanna wait. but i have to everything takes time and thats what i always tell F why is it that i can never take my own advice. its so easy to give.

I wish there was something i could do to make money...other then my full time job of course. im actually working 6 days a week now cuz im short employees until i hire some people. but something on the side.... my father ripped up the kitchen tile and saved ALOT of em for me cuz i was painting on them and it was going great my neighbor was gunna pay me like 20 $ for one.. if i just got a bunch of em done and maybe took em to the flea market who knows..its just finding the time to get em done.. i just hate struggling with bills n shit i never have until i met F..seriously i was always fine i always had my savings account full with a nice amount and that got wiped out.... god it sux so much having money saved and doing a good job saving it and then its gone. It's gone from me always spending it on him one way or another to "help" him..on the phone calls when he was away.. lending him money for "fines" i had like 1,200 $ that money came from money i got for my b-day and my tax refund... gone... he took money outta my bank account..and its just all gone.. and its not fair that now IM the one struggling to pay my bills..ughhhh why did i have to get into this it's the past i need to let it go.. the thing is that i no when he gets straight and gets on his feet ill see that money again... its just a matter of TIME...its just these kinds things that r still in the back of my mind and they come to me at times like today when im thinking about what he asked me last night "can you put 15$ in my commissary" (sp) he wants it so he can buy stamps n envelopes..now i dont no if they give you that stuff or what.. so i dont no if i should do it or not...I wish the shit just grew on trees!!!!!! i think to my self.. are you serious.. he is really asking me for money!!! even in jaill!!!! and part of me feels bad and wants to give it to him but part of me wants to say no... not even explain my self cuz he knows about my money situation. i dont no.. i need some advice

cant think of a title

2007-08-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

So i just got done writing down 4 songs for F he wants me to mail him the lyrics He told me to d/l the song "undeniable" by mat kearney( he's kinda sexy too!) b/c it reminds him of me he told me to d/l it the morning he went to jail b4 he even knew he was going so i did and i love it and i love alllll his other songs everyone should d/l them esp trainwreck. the lyrics im gunns send him are to "poor boy" "wait" "nothing lef to lose" "wont back down" i always did this for him when he was away the other times. im too tierd now to write him a letter that was alot of writing. So i think he's gunna b in there for about a month im not mad.. it will be good i think i hope he can have a CONTACT visit this weekend..that would be nicey nice. Sooooo i went to the gym today AND yesterday go me! planning on tomorrow also. I have $60 to my name until next week how shitty is that. I have an emergency credit card so im not sweatin it TO bad. any who its time for bed im tierd and my feet hurt good night online diary ;o)

update

2007-08-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

I ended up spending the night at a friends last night i left b4 i got to write.

So its monday and yesterday like i said i went to see F... God he looks so %$^^$!#@!# hotttttt in that green jump suit mmmm i dont no what it is but when ever i have gone to see him in jail or in any kind of program i just want to jump through the glass and ..you no.. idk maybe b/c i havent seen him.. or touched him in a while. I guess he just looks good.. he is clean.. he is happy that he is gunna max out for parole and when he comes out he will be free of that. I guess he is in there cuz they got sick of his shit.. sick of him missing appointment and shit.. idk is that a reason to put a person in jail?.... but everything happens for a reason. The only thing im worried about is i dont no where he will go when he gets out cuz i guess me and his mom will clean out the motel room maybe one day this week and then that will be gone b/c social services pays for it so idk if they will do it again for him.. im not gunna stress over it though he will be fine he always is and its not my problem. This is good in a way cuz i can get some time to my self and know he is safe (i hope... he's in one of the worst jails) now i should really re-join the gym n actually get my ass there.. i really should take advantage of him being away for a bit.. i could loose a few pounds b4 he comes out. ..hey hey...

i should really do somthing i am at work after all

until next time

p.s. did i mention i looooooove rain

Locked up

2007-08-16T10:33:00.001-07:00

This A.M. i get a phone call from the dept of corrections and it was F telling me they are putting him in jail ( he is on parole) All he said was he didnt no why...and that it wasnt cuz of a dirty urine this time. and his parol officer got on the phone to confirm that..... he maxes out on the 12th of oct. so his parole offic. said he will stay there for a month or so and then be done with parole.. but i still wanna no why the fuk they are lockin him up AGAIN obviously he violated one way or another but i wanna no!

I cant believe this tho...jail...again.... . Whatever though.. nothing i can do about it.. ihave no idea when i will talk to him again.. he cant call me work collect.. or my cell or his moms house.. and deff cant call my house..i guess ill just have to find out when i can go there to see him..

i just cant believe it.. i can though...

Maids are sexy

2007-08-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

So it's 10:52 pm ..im up...bright eyed and bushy tailed..i cant believe it im such an old lady i go to bed so early usually.. im happy though i accomplished some things today that have been on my mind lately. first i cleaned my car.. to say it was disgusting would be an understatement.. i cleaned it and i cleaned it and i cleaned it some more.. inside AND out..by the time i was done with the inside it was dark but that didn't stop me..can you believe i washed my car in the drk..with the bugs..ughh i hate bugs i made my dad come outside to turn the hose on n off for me.. its behind a bush n i was scared there would be a big black spider.. i despise of them...im such a pu&&y. SO after that i took a shower and i Finally cleaned my room... its so nice to be sitting on my bed typing away in my favorite blog (my only blog) and to look around and actually be able to see my floor.. and my bed... ive been sleeping on the couch and on occasion coming up to my room and sleeping on top of w/e was on my bed. im so lazy.. i just cant get motivated for shit lately. im glad i did today though those things needed to be done big time.

Tomorrow i have to wake up a lil earlier ..i have an 8:00 apt. to get an estimate for my car.. yea......... i was rear-ended last week, i think it just needs a new bumper cover.. the kid is paying for it.. and i just got that damn bumper in may when someone else rear-ended me.. i swear im not a bad driver!! it wasnt even my fault and F was driving the first time.

oh yea F... so he gets out tomorrow.. he went from the hosp to this short stay rehab place.. he frequents this place often well about 4 times in the past...year.. less than a year.... so all his tests came up fine.. they said the reason his white blood cell count was so high was due to his stiches (he cut his hand the other week) or his lip ring(he just got that done last weekend,,he took it out) so idk it doesn't make sense cuz they got us al worried saying it was at a leukemia level... and then they just release him...doctors suck with communication!. So i'm goin to pick him up 2marrow wheni get outta work and from what he told me.. it looks like were goin to his moms for dinner... i havent talked to her yet. it's so weird..im excited to see him....why? he took pills and lied to me less than a week ago.... this emotional roller coaster better come to and end soon or im guna jump off.

so i was just looking for a picture of a maid to include with the post...and almost 60% of the pic's were dirty... tis tis tis..like really dirty...full on action shots... geeez i guess maids are associated with sex....i opted for a feather duster..

nighty night

home is where the heart is

2007-08-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say... i love comming here.. it feels like home

I cant think of anything write at the present moment.. hopefully tomarrow. i need to give an up date on what happend with F anyway

untill then

I hope he will be ok

2007-08-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the second i talked to F on the phone i new somthing was up, even more so when i saw him. To make a long story short he used yest.. he took 3 painkillers. we went on hours of arguing over the fact that i knew he was high and him barely holding his head up and his eyes open telling me.... im not high!! He had his first appt for counseling yest at 7.. we were on our way there when we got into a lil fender bender.. he was freaking out about how he wasnt going to make it there on time.. so he found sum random guy in the parking lot to bring him there.. it was just right up the street. While waiting for the cops to arrive ..about 20 minutes later he comes strolling back.. and tells me they kicked him out b.c he was late.. I thought to my self... yea ok.. u must think im PRETTY dumb..huh...So we wrapped up the accident crap and i told him i wanted to get a test..hey... if ur not high u have nothing to worry about..right? well he refused.. so he decided he needed to go to the hosp... he was very depressed yada yada yada.. so i took him there..around 11:30 i get a call from him..and his mom.. apparently.. his white blood cell count his very high.there is an infection in his body... so they are doing a bunch of tests on him to see what the prob is... So now im scared.. what could it be? if he hadn't taken those pills.. and gone to hosp.. we would never no something is seriously wrong with him.. not saying..im glad he took em... but..everything happens for a reasons.. Im glad he got there.. b4 hopefully its not too late and they can fix w/e the prob is...

This kid needs help though.. he is so unstable.. always saying he'd b better off dead...he doesn't no how to live.. or survive on his own.. i believe he suffers from severe depression... he's gotta kick this habit and get some psychological help for real.. enough is enough

Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh my!!

2007-08-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend i went up to my aunt and uncles with my cousin. There was a fair going on so we went for a bit on sat.. i'm not gunna lie i had fun.. gatta love funnel cake and carnival rides. We went on the bumper cars felt sooo good to smash into all the poor defenseless people. I had plenty of built up anger inside of me that needed to come..they shoulda been warned b4 hand. If only it really were only 25 cents.... after the fair we went to this restaurant literally in the woods.. in the middle of no where. It was awesome though cuz the whole back of the restaurant was glass windows.. they put corn outside so deer will come. Well this time there were no deer..can you guess why????? cuz there was a bear!!!!!! it was soooo cool... right in front of our window too.

Sunday me n my cousin went horseback riding, my aunt chickened out she had never been on a horse b4. it was prob better cuz the trail was very rocky and pretty much either up or down hill right at the edge of cliffs.. she prob woulda $#%^ herself.

So that was my weekend.. it was nice.. got a lil break from you no who and thats about it...dont feel like typing anymore...gunna make a CD

until next time

Ok so maybe i overreacted

2007-08-02T12:08:00.001-07:00

i always overreact... i have a problem with that.. im sooo f'in sensitive to things this littlest things hurt my feelings.. its SO easy for me to go from being happy to sad .... So he called me back about an hour later ..happy.. like nothing happend.. im still sour about the whole hanging up thing n wut he said.. but to him it was nothing.. why was it such a biiiiiig deal to me.. y can i just be like eww and go on with my life.. why must i dwell on the small things.... i get my self all upset.. i do this alot.. i think soooooo far outside of the box that im driving my self nuts.. I'm sure.. when he said "can you put up the 20$ so u can bring me to work" he didnt mean it the way i took it... i took it as.. i dont want to see you.. i dont like you... i just need a ride to work..i want to use you... why do i think this way.... at least i notice it and notice there is a problem.. god im gunna end up having 15 blogs a day by the looks of it..

I wound up NOT going to the gym yest... im'a bad girl i know.. i did have the worst headache tho. i think it was a migrain i couldnt stand anykind of noise or the sun... anyway that was the main reason i didnt go.. and here we are its 3:16 less than 2 hours of work to go and ill be faced with the gym. idk why certaint things r so hard for me.. i am SO codependent its not funny.. i need to learn how to be independant.. i care WAY too much about what ppl think or will say.. and that is something that is not very easy for me to admitt... it all boils down to my huuuuuge lack in selfconfidence... which comes from the way i feel about my self. im not happy with my self and i know what can fix it.. mainly going to the gym.. working out.. loosing weight. and eventually feeling better about my self and being able to no give a damn about anyone and wut they say.. that shouldnt be a reason tho... my friend had a similat prob... but it was her boobs... she is very pretty thin.. the hole 9.. well 8....she was a little lacking in the bra dept. and this kept her from wearing certain things and going certain places.. so she went n got her self a lil boobjob.. now she wears certain shirts like its her business and go wherever she wants.. its similar cuz tho i cant fix my prob with plastic surgery (well i can but im not EVEN gunna go there) they are alike in the way that she fixed her insecurities and now is happier.. may sound silly but certain things really bother ppl to a certain point where serious measures need to be taken.. anyway i know i can do this cuz i have done it b4..i lost a bunch of weight felt great looked great got hit on by every guy and his brother... then i met F and got depressed and shit went down hill..so now im back at square one... i can do this!! i will do this!!!

so this blog went from talking about how im a crazy drama queen to how i need to suck it up n get one the damn tredmill.... thats just how speratic my mind is lately..

p.s how perfect is that pic.... they just had to be moking Dairy Queen lol

until next time...

His way or the highway

2007-08-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

GRRRR i hate him!!! i hate him sometimes... He makes a good day bad in just 4 mintues. He calls me and im so excited to hear his voice. He wants me to stay at hotel with him tongith which would mean me paying $20.( if your staying there and the state is paying for it you have to pay 20$ as a visiter to stay there..which i undestand..). but the way he asks me is "Can you put up the $20 so you can bring me to work tomarrow?" geeee thanks that really makes me feel good... why dont you just say .. i dont want to spend time with you hunny i just want a ride to work.. well i said no.. i dont have the money for that... and sertainly not when he asks me like that.. so now i feel like shit.. but i cant let that ruin my whole day its only 1:41. It just sux... and the he hung up on me! and i hate that so much.. and i cant even call him back cuz he is worken at sum guys house n he snuck the phone for a sec. grrrrr he makes me so mad.. when ever he doesnt get his way he is such a #$#%$# baby!! its not fair...;o(

Gym

2007-08-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

Well my friend and i joined a gym on monday. We only worked out for like 20 minutes cuz she felt dizzy. I drove so I had to drive her to her car. Yest i was planning on going all day and then 5:00 came i was tierd..stressed..and just didnt feel like going to the gym. So i didn't she wasnt going anyway. So here we are.. its wednesday I am fighting with my friend i joined the gym with over guess who..... the addict... she calls me dumb and says im a liar just b/c i have things to do that dont involve her. so i should really still go alone...i just dont have the motivation. i dont no y... going to the gym loosing weight and feeling better about my self will help this situation SO much. Im not gunna go to the gym that i paid $55 for just b/c she is being a child...??? am i serious... I just wish i could get more motivated.. i spend too much time worrying about him about what he's doing and where he is.. if he is ok... i know i need to do me.. but its hard ecpesially when i never do.. its always everyone else.. i give n give n give.. n what do i get back.. nothing... it makes me so sad to have these arguments with my friend... it really hurts when she calls me dumb and stupid.. i no were she is comming from tho... cuz she knows whut he has done n how he as and continues to hurt me.. i dont no anymore.. i dont no wut to do..

What do i do that is SO wrong..

2007-07-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

So The weekend was good, I can usually tell right off the bat wether he is straight or not. Sat and Sun i know he was. It was great the best 2 days in a long time. I love him so much when he is...himself... It's sad though to see the difference in him, to see that monster he becomes, i hate it. Then monday came b/c of the great weekend we had i was so looking forward to seeing him when i got outta work n the gym. He is staying in a motel and on welfare..sucks alot.. never thought id be in that situation with someone. But it is his only choice and he dug that grave him self. Anyway if i want to stay there with him i have to pay $20.00 to stay for one night. Well i wont pay that.. cuz its rediculous for me to pay to sleep next to him when he lived with me for FREE and fucked that up. So after shelling out hundreds of dollars for him only to find out he was using with it and/or stealing from me i am not going to pay to sleep somewhere when i have my own bed and its free! ok im getting off topic... sooo he was at his sisters and the second i got there n saw him i knew something was up.. i just wanted to turn around, get in my car and go home. BUT i tend to be alil sensative and maybe overdramatic about it so i went with it afterall MAYBE he wasnt high MAYBE he was just in a good mood and an excuse i've used for him b4 "he wouldnt go to his sisters house and see his 6 nieces and nephew while being high would he??" Well we went out side to smoke and i saw a watch on his wrist (keep in mind.. he is on WELFARE he hasn't been saving anymoney doesnt have a steady job he is broke..) OH and he most recently owes me 35$ that i lent him about...2-3 weeks ago...thats not even the 1/2 of wut he owes me.. but he needed a bike chain and lock so i lent him the $ for it and a pack of cigs.) SO I ask him.."where did u get that watch from?" his response.."I bought it" i ask how much..."$30.00"..... THIRTY DOLLARS!!.... So..let me get this straight.. knowing you've owed me this $35 for a while now you go out and buy urself a watch.. .NICE. He tells me he needed it so he could tell the time.. First of all he has a cell phone grantit doesnt have any minutes on it but guess what? it tells time!! oh and did i forget to mention he had a watch...that i NEVER saw.. and he says he sold it for the $20 i saw sum kid hand him last week. And what about the digital camera you "bought" from sumone for $30 (after i lent him the $$$) or the $100 you put down on a t-mobile phone..where is the phone?..oh your getting the money back ..right?... It's just all so sketchy and no moron would believe him... So then we talk about the watch thing.. he yells about it telling me he wanted to buy sumthing nice for himself and that he wanted it..SAME EXACT thing he told me bout the camera.. and other shit he has bought in the past. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to something expecially when your down n out.. but you dont need to spend ALL your money on it... and I think the responsible thing to do would be to pay alil towards all your depts and THEN with any left over money buy ur self a new shirt..pair of sunglasses.. w/e something inexpensive but good enough to make you feel that you earned it. It's not even about the money its the point of showing me.. showing yourself that you ARE responsilbe and can save and manage your money..I dont care if he gave me 5$ a week.. at least thats showing me he is trying. by him going out and spending all the money he got buying a watch or whatever it is and not giving me a penny makes me feel like complete crap and a complete idiot for believing he's gunna make an attempt. It's just broken promises with him lately. he will tell me i promise you'll have your money tomarrow and tomarrow comes and look who has a new watch on his wrist.. i just dont get it.. i guess the real only solution is STOP LENDING HIM MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYY. i know i have to this time and i always say i will . and the 35$ wasnt cash i bought the things for him so i no hes not buying drugs with it... i WONT give him cash.But no more.. i cant afford it and its not fair. Am i a fool? i feel like one. well needless to say i didnt stay over at the hotel last night i was too upset pissed off and he was just being a total dick about it so i went home... i took a shower and i was watching tv gettin ready for bed.. phone rings. Its him he askes me to go to the hospital cuz he cut his finger and is going by ambulance...So as much as i was hating him right then.. i get dressed get in my car and head over there.. (its not exactly around the corner either about 25 mins) On my way there his mom calls me n tells me to make sure i tell the nurses that he is in recovery and cant take any narcotics... I wish i didnt have to do this stuff..but i no he wont do it... so i leave him in the ER and im talking to the guy right by the door of course so he see's me talking to him "what were u telling him not to give me any pills?!?" of course a lied...Which i hate.. but i had to. So he tries telling me he doesnt want me to go in the room with him..well i didnt just drive all the way here for you cuz u HAD to have me here for you to tell me to sit in the waiting room the whole time.. I knew why he didnt want me there..cuz he knew i would open my mouth if the doc tried to give him something. So i went with him.. AFTER he had a tempertantrum of course.. he loooooves to embarass me. anyway i had to sit in the hall way i hate needles and blood so i hear the doc say he is giving him a perscription for a pain killer and an antibiotic.. did he tell the doctor he cant have them nooooooooooooo. so we got in an argument about that..this is like #5 just in the hosp. the doctor ended up NOT giving him the perscription cuz the nurse must of sed sumthing. so as we where leaving the hosp he says "oh i need the # for the hand doctor" well i heard the doc loud and clear say and point to where it was on the paperwork he had in his hand. so wen he went back in to "ask for the #" i followed him and of course he got all mad that i went with him... I'm not dumb i no he was going back to see about the pain pills.. I know all his little games by now. Why did you want me there SO bad.. just to not want me there...and treat me like crap..I dont get it.. am i missing sumthing... Ok now maybe i shouldnt have been up his ass about the pills and just let him handle it.. but if i hadnt he would have gotten them and i would have felt pretty damn guilty if he Od'd on them.... Obvioulsy he is not ready to stay clean.. cuz if he was he would had told the doctor he cant have them. instead he sat quietly said nothing and then screamed at me when i confronted him.. i just dont no wut to do anymore.. i try to help.. but it doesnt help .. im just looking out for him.. i dont want him to die... i love him.. i care about him.. i want him to get better.. i know i cant fix him and i no he has to make the choice of not using.. but in situations like last night.. im sry but i cant sit there and be quiet anymore... i let him do that to me once.. and he got pain killers.. and started using again.. im not letting him do that to me again. am i overreacting?.. cuz thats how he makes me feel.. why do i get emotionally and mentally beat up for loving and caring about him.. i cant take it anymore. it hurts so much i cant even cry... normally i'd be balling my eyes out right now just writing about it.. but im just so drained i dont even have it in me....

A lil' bit about me to start

2007-07-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

I'm knew to the whole blog thing never bothered cuz i figured it would be a waist of time.. no one would read it.. but who cares i need to get this crap off my mind somehow.

I've been with my b/f (25) (who was once my fiancee) for about a year and 4 months. I say ..was once my fiancee... b/c as much as i wish he could be he just can't right now b/c he is still using. Yea.. he is a heroin addict.... Clams to be clean but i beg to differ. This has been an ongoing issue for pretty much our entire relashionship. I knew this about him shortly after meeting him. We tried to stay friends but fell in love (awwww). I obvioisly did not no wut i was getting my self into. I've been through hell and back with him, He has stolen from me and recently my family. He has lied to me so much and so many times that i can't even believe him when he says he is going to the bathroom...no joke... To this day i am not sure why i choose to be with him..even talk to him still. I do love him with ALL my heart. I never felt so close and connected to someone. But this habbit of his is comming between us and slowly destroying not only our relationship but him and me. I'm so scared that one day im just going to find him dead or get a call that he is gone. I have many questions to ask.. i just dont no who to ask so maybe by writing a little eachday someone will be able to answer my questions.