What do i do that is SO wrong..

So The weekend was good, I can usually tell right off the bat wether he is straight or not. Sat and Sun i know he was. It was great the best 2 days in a long time. I love him so much when he is...himself... It's sad though to see the difference in him, to see that monster he becomes, i hate it. Then monday came b/c of the great weekend we had i was so looking forward to seeing him when i got outta work n the gym. He is staying in a motel and on welfare..sucks alot.. never thought id be in that situation with someone. But it is his only choice and he dug that grave him self. Anyway if i want to stay there with him i have to pay $20.00 to stay for one night. Well i wont pay that.. cuz its rediculous for me to pay to sleep next to him when he lived with me for FREE and fucked that up. So after shelling out hundreds of dollars for him only to find out he was using with it and/or stealing from me i am not going to pay to sleep somewhere when i have my own bed and its free! ok im getting off topic... sooo he was at his sisters and the second i got there n saw him i knew something was up.. i just wanted to turn around, get in my car and go home. BUT i tend to be alil sensative and maybe overdramatic about it so i went with it afterall MAYBE he wasnt high MAYBE he was just in a good mood and an excuse i've used for him b4 "he wouldnt go to his sisters house and see his 6 nieces and nephew while being high would he??" Well we went out side to smoke and i saw a watch on his wrist (keep in mind.. he is on WELFARE he hasn't been saving anymoney doesnt have a steady job he is broke..) OH and he most recently owes me 35$ that i lent him about...2-3 weeks ago...thats not even the 1/2 of wut he owes me.. but he needed a bike chain and lock so i lent him the $ for it and a pack of cigs.) SO I ask him.."where did u get that watch from?" his response.."I bought it" i ask how much..."$30.00"..... THIRTY DOLLARS!!.... So..let me get this straight.. knowing you've owed me this $35 for a while now you go out and buy urself a watch.. .NICE. He tells me he needed it so he could tell the time.. First of all he has a cell phone grantit doesnt have any minutes on it but guess what? it tells time!! oh and did i forget to mention he had a watch...that i NEVER saw.. and he says he sold it for the $20 i saw sum kid hand him last week. And what about the digital camera you "bought" from sumone for $30 (after i lent him the $$$) or the $100 you put down on a t-mobile phone..where is the phone?..oh your getting the money back ..right?... It's just all so sketchy and no moron would believe him... So then we talk about the watch thing.. he yells about it telling me he wanted to buy sumthing nice for himself and that he wanted it..SAME EXACT thing he told me bout the camera.. and other shit he has bought in the past. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to something expecially when your down n out.. but you dont need to spend ALL your money on it... and I think the responsible thing to do would be to pay alil towards all your depts and THEN with any left over money buy ur self a new shirt..pair of sunglasses.. w/e something inexpensive but good enough to make you feel that you earned it. It's not even about the money its the point of showing me.. showing yourself that you ARE responsilbe and can save and manage your money..I dont care if he gave me 5$ a week.. at least thats showing me he is trying. by him going out and spending all the money he got buying a watch or whatever it is and not giving me a penny makes me feel like complete crap and a complete idiot for believing he's gunna make an attempt. It's just broken promises with him lately. he will tell me i promise you'll have your money tomarrow and tomarrow comes and look who has a new watch on his wrist.. i just dont get it.. i guess the real only solution is STOP LENDING HIM MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYY. i know i have to this time and i always say i will . and the 35$ wasnt cash i bought the things for him so i no hes not buying drugs with it... i WONT give him cash.But no more.. i cant afford it and its not fair. Am i a fool? i feel like one. well needless to say i didnt stay over at the hotel last night i was too upset pissed off and he was just being a total dick about it so i went home... i took a shower and i was watching tv gettin ready for bed.. phone rings. Its him he askes me to go to the hospital cuz he cut his finger and is going by ambulance...So as much as i was hating him right then.. i get dressed get in my car and head over there.. (its not exactly around the corner either about 25 mins) On my way there his mom calls me n tells me to make sure i tell the nurses that he is in recovery and cant take any narcotics... I wish i didnt have to do this stuff..but i no he wont do it... so i leave him in the ER and im talking to the guy right by the door of course so he see's me talking to him "what were u telling him not to give me any pills?!?" of course a lied...Which i hate.. but i had to. So he tries telling me he doesnt want me to go in the room with him..well i didnt just drive all the way here for you cuz u HAD to have me here for you to tell me to sit in the waiting room the whole time.. I knew why he didnt want me there..cuz he knew i would open my mouth if the doc tried to give him something. So i went with him.. AFTER he had a tempertantrum of course.. he loooooves to embarass me. anyway i had to sit in the hall way i hate needles and blood so i hear the doc say he is giving him a perscription for a pain killer and an antibiotic.. did he tell the doctor he cant have them nooooooooooooo. so we got in an argument about that..this is like #5 just in the hosp. the doctor ended up NOT giving him the perscription cuz the nurse must of sed sumthing. so as we where leaving the hosp he says "oh i need the # for the hand doctor" well i heard the doc loud and clear say and point to where it was on the paperwork he had in his hand. so wen he went back in to "ask for the #" i followed him and of course he got all mad that i went with him... I'm not dumb i no he was going back to see about the pain pills.. I know all his little games by now. Why did you want me there SO bad.. just to not want me there...and treat me like crap..I dont get it.. am i missing sumthing... Ok now maybe i shouldnt have been up his ass about the pills and just let him handle it.. but if i hadnt he would have gotten them and i would have felt pretty damn guilty if he Od'd on them.... Obvioulsy he is not ready to stay clean.. cuz if he was he would had told the doctor he cant have them. instead he sat quietly said nothing and then screamed at me when i confronted him.. i just dont no wut to do anymore.. i try to help.. but it doesnt help .. im just looking out for him.. i dont want him to die... i love him.. i care about him.. i want him to get better.. i know i cant fix him and i no he has to make the choice of not using.. but in situations like last night.. im sry but i cant sit there and be quiet anymore... i let him do that to me once.. and he got pain killers.. and started using again.. im not letting him do that to me again. am i overreacting?.. cuz thats how he makes me feel.. why do i get emotionally and mentally beat up for loving and caring about him.. i cant take it anymore. it hurts so much i cant even cry... normally i'd be balling my eyes out right now just writing about it.. but im just so drained i dont even have it in me....

A lil' bit about me to start

I'm knew to the whole blog thing never bothered cuz i figured it would be a waist of time.. no one would read it.. but who cares i need to get this crap off my mind somehow.

I've been with my b/f (25) (who was once my fiancee) for about a year and 4 months. I say ..was once my fiancee... b/c as much as i wish he could be he just can't right now b/c he is still using. Yea.. he is a heroin addict.... Clams to be clean but i beg to differ. This has been an ongoing issue for pretty much our entire relashionship. I knew this about him shortly after meeting him. We tried to stay friends but fell in love (awwww). I obvioisly did not no wut i was getting my self into. I've been through hell and back with him, He has stolen from me and recently my family. He has lied to me so much and so many times that i can't even believe him when he says he is going to the bathroom...no joke... To this day i am not sure why i choose to be with him..even talk to him still. I do love him with ALL my heart. I never felt so close and connected to someone. But this habbit of his is comming between us and slowly destroying not only our relationship but him and me. I'm so scared that one day im just going to find him dead or get a call that he is gone. I have many questions to ask.. i just dont no who to ask so maybe by writing a little eachday someone will be able to answer my questions.